Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 16/07/2015 22:24

I would feel upset too. I know how you feel as I was in this situation. My BF chose a girl she had only known a few years as her bridesmaid. Unfortunately I had to pick up the pieces when the engagement got called off a couple of weeks before the wedding - and her bridesmaid Was no where to be seen when it all hit the fan!! She told me years later she made the wrong choice of bridesmaid as I was more help/support to her during that awful time. There was nothing nice about this whole situation - but it made me glad that I didn't make her poor decision affect our friendship.
Good luck with your 2ww.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/07/2015 22:30

I don't see how op could not comment, when they will be talking about it, it will probably be the dominant subject in the group, op shoukd not expect to bit her lip. The group is an old friendship group, in tgat situation I most certainly would pass comment.

woodleydoodle · 16/07/2015 22:56

I'd feel way too hurt to go to the meal.

justmyview · 16/07/2015 23:11

I wonder if A is planning to ask you face to face at dinner on Saturday?

If she does not, yes, sadly, it may affect how you feel about the friendship, but don't cut your nose to spite your face. It would be a shame to lose the friendship entirely

I definitely wouldn't ask A why she did not ask you. Whatever the reason, it's unlikely to make you feel better.

Most of us have probably had times that we would have liked to be a bridesmaid if we'd been asked. I'm interested to see so many people on this thread admitting how much it upset them.

Hexadecimal1 · 16/07/2015 23:19

I would ask her. If you're good enough friends to be potentially asked to be a bridesmaid, you're good enough friends to ask her why you're not, iyswim.

I am all for not making weddings about you, but this woman has been thoughtless and spiteful. The friendship is already ruined, you may as well actually find out why.

DowntownFunk · 16/07/2015 23:20

Are you much better looking than the rest of them?

I've heard of that being a reason before.

justmyview · 16/07/2015 23:21

But if the most likely / truthful response is "yes, to be honest I do feel closer to them than you", how is that helpful? Is the goal to make A squirm with embarrassment & see the error of her ways? More likely it makes A feel awkward and OP feels even worse

FlatWhiteToGo · 16/07/2015 23:24

Downtown - that made me laugh. I think this is definitely the motive Grin!

Epilepsyhelp · 16/07/2015 23:26

Ouch, what on earth was she thinking?

I would keep quiet but reevaluate the friendship and not see her outside of group situations

wafflyversatile · 16/07/2015 23:28

I'd be hurt too even though I have little interest in being anyone's bridesmaid except my sister's which I've done already. If she'd not asked D either it would make a bit more sense but still be a bit hurtful.

In the spirit of not attributing malicious intent to people I would hope it's because she thinks she's being considerate because of the move and ttc. However it would have been nice if she'd explained her reasoning.

SingingSamosa · 16/07/2015 23:29

Maybe she's going to ask you to be her maid of honour? I can't see how someone would invite a close group of friends for dinner, having asked 3 of the 4 friends to be her bridesmaids and not the other. It just seems utterly heartless!

scarlets · 16/07/2015 23:29

Go to the dinner. Wedding talk will happen, and you can take it from there.

Lj8893 · 16/07/2015 23:33

I couldn't not ask her, I would drive myself mad wondering why I wasent asked!

Sternin · 16/07/2015 23:35

Did you say that you found out via a Facebook post? ...is it at all possible she forgot to tag you in it?

If you haven't been chosen, YANBU to be upset, but hopefully SingingSamosa is right and you'll be matron of honour instead!

ShelaghTurner · 16/07/2015 23:39

I'd have to ask. And I'd also bow out of the dinner. I couldn't spend time with her whilst not knowing what was behind it and, as PP has said, the friendship would be ruined for me now anyway so I'd have nothing to lose by asking.

Mashtag · 16/07/2015 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CainInThePunting · 16/07/2015 23:48

NEVER underestimate the Bridezilla.

I've nothing to base the assumption that she is one on but YANBU and yes, I would be hurt too.

I think you are clearly handling yourself well over it but I would want to know her reasoning too.

Good luck at the meal.

Canyouforgiveher · 16/07/2015 23:51

I'd go to the dinner and I'm afraid I'd say something passive aggressive like "I wasn't sure if I should come tonight as I can't talk about bridesmaids dresses ha ha ha".

I normally wouldn't care much about being a bridesmaid but this seems so pointed that it is really hurtful.

The only think I can think is she knew you were trying to conceive - but even still, she should ask you and tell you that she won't mind if you want to say no.

Or maybe it is a mistake and she will ask you still?

OhEmGeee · 17/07/2015 00:13

Maybe she's one of these bridezilla types who can't possibly have a pregnant bridesmaid in the photos?

I do know of someone who specifically told her bridesmaids not to get pregnant. Confused

Very hurtful, especially the fb tagging.

sadwidow28 · 17/07/2015 00:22

YANBU - but please try to say something before the wedding rather than feel excluded from the wedding party.

I regret to this day that I didn't ask my BF (who is now my SIL) why I wasn't asked to be her bridesmaid. I met her at college and introduced her to my DB. We all got on really well. I couldn't believe it when she asked my younger DS, her DS and 2 of her cousins to be bridesmaids.

30 years on it is still a complete puzzle to me and it damaged our friendship.

ThisIsClemFandango · 17/07/2015 00:30

Could it be possibly because you didn't have her as a bridesmaid at your wedding (even though you didn't have any of them as bridesmaids)? I know it sounds petty but some people have strange logic about that sort of thing.

YANBU at all though to be hurt, I would be aswell. It's a snub whether she meant it to be or not, and I think you are handling it well even though you're upset. I think she should have had you all, or none of you as its likely it would always be awkward and rude to leave one out for no apparent reason, given you've all been friends for so long.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 17/07/2015 00:31

She did have the right to choose whoever she wants, but YANBU to be very upset. I would be too.

I know it's not the same, but one of my best friends chose new friends to be her daughter's godmothers. And it did feel like a very public rejection at the christenings, where I was her oldest friend at both ceremonies. (She doesn't see the first friend any more and rarely sees the second.)

I only had my sister as bridesmaid because I couldn't choose between my five closest friends and couldn't afford six bridesmaid dresses.

fastdaytears · 17/07/2015 06:43

I think it might be to do with you not having her. I know D didn't either but was there more of a story there? Or maybe they had a different conversation about it at the time?

I'm not sure I'd go to the dinner. I'd probably end up getting upset. You could even say something PA but not too PA (ok quite PA) like "I won't be there on xxx which is a shame but will give you a chance to plan as the bridal party" or similar and see if that promts an explanation, which might make you feel a bit better.

I do feel your pain! I was a BM 3 times under the age of 10 and never as an adult. I like to think it's because I'd look distractingly hot in a dress but more likely am rubbish and keeping in regular contact with friends. I love them when I see them but we're no on the phone ever night.

MuttonCadet · 17/07/2015 06:48

I'm another one who is hoping that she just hasn't got around to inviting you yet.

Spartans · 17/07/2015 06:50

Yanbu but if you ask prepare for it to be awkward. How will you handle it if she does say 'I just don't think we are that close' ?

I was to be bridesmaid when the bride knew I was ttc. I found out I was pg a week after she asked. When I told her and her dp, there was a shit storm. Apparantly it was expected I would stop ttc as I had been asked to be a bridesmaid. She, still, doesn't get that I was of when she got engaged or that assuming people will stop ttc is unreasonable. I offered to step down to avoid further issues.

Had this not have been a family member, tbh I wouldbhave told her to fuck off. I just left it, but it's damaged the relationship