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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
turdfairynomore · 16/07/2015 19:32

This happened to me when my friend didn't have me or my DD when she had always said we would be her bridesmaids. The reason-her new DH didn't think we were religious enough! Ah well! My mum never ever gives compliments and when she saw the pics she said I'd have been lovelier than both bridesmaids! We made an effort with the friendship for a while-both of us being too proud to say that it was fizzling out over a bridesmaid's dress! But it didn't work and we've lost touch.

OhTinky · 16/07/2015 19:33

Might she ask you at dinner to be a bridesmaid?

Original poster
BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 19:46

Think if I go to dinner I'll grin and bear it. She might bring it up but might not be a private enough moment. If she doesn't, I think I'm just going to have to get over it I think. I really don't want to be the person who tries to make someone else's wedding about them. I will reconsider how much time I spend with her though - won't be able to do otherwise!

OP posts:
Monroe · 16/07/2015 20:06

Sorry OP, I would be really hurt by this too.

Also I would be worried that the conversation at dinner will be dominated by bridesmaid talk, particularly if they have only recently been asked and this is the first time the 4 of them have come together since.

Sorry, probably really not what you want to hear Sad

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/07/2015 20:22

Good luck for your 2ww. Hopefully you are pregnant but your feelings have nothing to do with pregnancy of course you're going to be hurt pregnant or not.
I had friends well so called like this.
God mother to each other's kids. They'd go on days out ect. I would never be asked. Now surprisingly enough they are ex friends.

NeverGoOutOfStyle · 16/07/2015 20:31

I would feel so hurt by this too, it would feel kinda of like being iced out. I'd ask why, but maybe after the dinner.

FlatWhiteToGo · 16/07/2015 20:36

Aww you poor thing. I've been in similar positions 3 times now with friends I had chosen to be my bridesmaids. It's so unbelievably painful and really knocks your confidence. I also think it inevitably affects your friendship(s) as well.

The only thing I wonder is whether she didn't want to ask you as you hadn't asked her. Did you ever chat with her at the time about not choosing her and the others in the group?

I hope you feel a bit better soon x

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 16/07/2015 20:38

I've been in a similar position too, and it was probably one of the most hurtful things that anyone has ever done to me. It took a good few years to get over it: we are still friends, but I don't think we will ever be quite so close again.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 16/07/2015 21:05

I would not go to he dinner - if is the first time they have been together since she asked them it will be the main topic of conversation. That would be really difficult.

whois · 16/07/2015 21:11

I'd be a little hurt too OP.

Do go to the dinner tho, and I agree with TruJay - if she is happy with her decision and thinks she has behaved well then there will be no awkwardness.

LapsedTwentysomething · 16/07/2015 21:16

I wouldn't be going to the dinner either at this point, when the insult is so fresh, and I would explain that it was because I felt upset and awkward.

Stoneysilence · 16/07/2015 21:18

Do you absolutely know she hasn't just already asked them because she's seen them, and hasn't seen you, and is going to ask you on Saturday at the meal? In any case, you should go, and be breezy and interested and just aim to be a fabulous guest.

All weddings need a 'congregation' (whether church or civil)...guests who do the responding in the bit of the ceremony where they promise to support the couple in their commitment to each other, etc etc. It's vital (or at least it was to me) to have good friends in that 'audience' group as well as the bridesmaids galloping up the aisle with me.

I've also found that same factor a consoling thought when not chosen to be bm by my own, oldest bestest friends (not bitter, not bitter at all)...

I agree being pregnant and/or moving and be a bridesmaid isn't impossible - and anyway if those are her reasons, she should have spoken to you like, "I'd love you to be a bm but am worried you might not have time for it with ttc and house move, how do you feel?" Not hard.

sonjadog · 16/07/2015 21:21

I would also be hurt. There must be a reason for it though. Something that makes sense to her even if it doesn't for you. Could it be the pregnancy or the move? Would she have the impression that you wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid?

bigbumtheory · 16/07/2015 21:21

Don't ask her. In that context I would be hurt too. If only one or two of the others had been chosen, it's not such a big deal but all the others...it does say you aren't as close. To be honest, I'd reconsider in the same situation and probably not be so helpful or put myself out during the wedding if she expected it.

lessonsintightropes · 16/07/2015 21:27

It sounds painful but I do think it would be a mistake to raise it. It's one of those situations where either she's aware of the pain she is causing but may have a reason you do not know about (in which case you will make it worse for her) or she may be unaware and if you do raise it you will cause her pain too. I think you may have to grin and bear it. I would go for the dinner though - give her the opportunity to talk to you about it. Pre-wedding women can get a bit weird and in their own heads sometimes. Sorry you are hurting.

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 16/07/2015 21:28

Do the others know you haven't been asked? If so what was their reaction?

Stoneysilence · 16/07/2015 21:39

Redorwhite has an excellent point. If you're all equally close the others must have noted your 'absence'. What do they have to say on the matter? Is there one of them you could call for a chat about it ahead of Saturday?

ems1910 · 16/07/2015 21:47

I would have to ask the others, maybe not the bride but definitely the others. I would ask if they knew of anything I had done to upset her and hope one of them would ask her for me. I am a coward

Angria · 16/07/2015 21:47

YANBU, I would be very hurt.

I don't see how this meal can be anything but awkward, surely they will all be talking about it?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/07/2015 22:02

Yanbu at all, I would be hurt, I woukd be tempted to ask her in a lighthearted way if the subject is brought up in the meal and they all start talking about it.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 16/07/2015 22:09

Ouch! I can understand why you feel hurt. I would go to the dinner and see how everyone is when the topic comes up. I doubt I would be able to ask outright but I think I would probably have to withdraw a little from the friendship.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/07/2015 22:13

I would feel differently about that friendship, and would distance myself. It's not nice, and a snub tbh. How she expects you to feel at the Meal, when they will all be talking about being BM. I am surprised seeing as you are all good friends for so long, she did not call you to talk to you about it. Sounds as though she does not care. It may well be because you are TTC and she does not want a pregnant bridesmaid, but it would be something she shoukd gave talked to you about.

LapsedTwentysomething · 16/07/2015 22:15

It seems a shame to be forced into withdrawing from a group friendship because one person has been at best insensitive. It makes it too easy for her if you simply say nothing and pretend you're fine with it. She needs to justify her thinking. She may well find that it drives a wedge between herself and the rest of the group in the future.

Diryan · 16/07/2015 22:20

She must've known you'd be hurt by this, very thoughtless of her to announce it on FB without saying something to you first.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/07/2015 22:21

If you say something she will say you didn't ask her. I would say she decided at that time you wouldn't be her bridesmaid. She was probably hurt at your wedding. It's hard but by saying something you will end up getting more hurt

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