Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

182 replies

animefan89 · 16/07/2015 00:17

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

OP posts:
MaggieJoyBlunt · 16/07/2015 00:21

How would you phrase it or go about it?

BlameItOnTheBogey · 16/07/2015 00:22

Wow this sounds really mean. Does she want to find a partner? YOu know that not having a partner doesn't condemn you to a being a 'lonely old spinster' with a 'cold bed' right?

Maybe she wants someone who cares more about who she is than what she looks like… It does happen.

travertine · 16/07/2015 00:22

Is she happy how she is tho? Does she want to find someone else?

ShipShapeAhoy · 16/07/2015 00:23

Firstly, do you know she is actively seeking a relatopnship?
Secondly, yabu.

AdeleDazeem · 16/07/2015 00:24

She's 52? Is that a typo because the rest of your post makes the lady sound more like 82!

SingingSands · 16/07/2015 00:25

Are you trying to offload her?!

wowfudge · 16/07/2015 00:27

52 isn't old. And it shouldn't be about her potential success rate on online dating.

Do you know how she is feeling about herself? She may not care or she could be depressed.

Before you do say anything, have you thought about organising some sort of treat for her - possibly with you? If it makes a difference and she gets some compliments it might help her to feel better about herself.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/07/2015 00:27

I'm going to assume you mean well, but keep your nose out. If your DM actually wants the shallow kind of man who would judge a woman in her 50's as unworthy of his attention because she's turning grey, she's quite old enough to make the required changes. If, otoh, she can't be arsed spending her time and money primping and preening for some arrogant fuckwit, she's also quite old enough to make that choice.

I speak as a badly-dressed, greying 53yo! Grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/07/2015 00:27

Well I think you would have to approach the matter sensitively.. Why not suggest a day out together shopping and getting her hair done. I mean don't get wrong someone more clever may come along and offer better advice.
Is she looking to attract a partner. Or are you worried about her being on her own. There is a vast difference

MaggieJoyBlunt · 16/07/2015 00:27

Just please please don't say to her any of the things that you said in your OP Smile

Do you think she's actually depressed?

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 16/07/2015 00:28

You clearly DO judge her on how she looks. Does she want to do anything about these 'faults' that you perceive in her? If not, I'd back off if I was you.

ilovesooty · 16/07/2015 00:29

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life

Is this serious? If you were my daughter and uttered that sentiment to me I don't know whether I'd laugh or tell you where to go.

And as for "the later stages of her life" - she's hardly in geriatric territory.

Perhaps she doesn't think snaring a man is the be all and end all?

80sMum · 16/07/2015 00:30

"as she enters the later years of her life"

OP, she's is only 52! A mere youngster! She's got another 35 years or so before your description might be applicable!

lunalelle · 16/07/2015 00:32

Some people are more concerned about being lovely friendly people with hearts of gold rather than fussing about fashion or clothes and make-up.

I would certainly rather someone liked me for me. I am clean and tidy, but I don't care about fashion and I don't cut my hair. It is her choice, and you don't need a man to be happy.

SycamoreMum · 16/07/2015 00:32

Why don't you go to a salon with her? Or on a shopping trip? Then you can ask her if shes looking for male company...gently gently and all that.

Ledare · 16/07/2015 00:39

I love my DH, but a cold empty space on the other side of the bed sounds marvelous imo.

Younique · 16/07/2015 00:39

YABU. What does she want?

derxa · 16/07/2015 00:43

I have nothing to except that I'm 4 yrs older than your Mum and you're making me feel older than Methuslah.

totallybewildered · 16/07/2015 00:43

YABU - why should she be looking for a man? What bizarre assumption. She might be happy and relieved to be single, and have every intention of remaining so.

butterfly133 · 16/07/2015 00:49

YABU and incredibly presumptuous. Grey roots showing? How very dare she!

You say she's " let herself go". How I hate that expression. She's entitled to not be interested in appearances.

And lol at your romantic idea of growing old together. My parents are late 70s with health problems. They spend most of their time trying to look after the other one. This isn't a love that grew from anyone smartening up their appearance believe me! but also worth noting that there are many stresses and strains in partnership. She might not want to do that all again.

ILovedYouYesterday · 16/07/2015 01:08

Does she want a man?

I'm 45 and, if DH and I ever split, I am 99.9% sure I could not be bothered with another one!!

I think I'd be quite happy with my bed to myself Grin In fact there was a thread on here just this last week about the merits of living alone and, I must admit, it sounded lovely!

If your mum does want to get herself out there (and asks your advice) you would not be unreasonable to offer to go shopping with her, suggest nice hairstyles that would suit her etc but only if she herself wants to make a change. Otherwise it's entirely her choice and she may prefer to try and meet a bloke who loves her for who she is rather than an image she would have to try and keep up with.

MummySparkle · 16/07/2015 01:12

I would say yanbu. It sounds like she's a bit stuck in a rut. Why don't you plan a girls shopping day for you and her and maybe pick out some things you think she'd look good in. I wouldn't go full on hair and make up, but maybe you could help her to update her wardrobe a bit? Nothing crazy, but maybe find some things on the edge of her comfort zone. A well-fitted pair of jeans can completely transform an outfit from 'frumpy' to stylish. But nothing too out there. If she's used to comfy jeans, a tshirt and a cardi then going all out on a fitted pencil skirt and blouse combo is just going to make her feel uncomfortable. But I don't think helping her choose some nice jeans and a few tops is too bad. My 50something mum wears lots of mantaray tops and sometimes I wish I'd spotted them first

butterfly133 · 16/07/2015 01:19

Feel compelled to link this thread. Not everyone worries about the grey hair thing!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty/2423639-For-those-of-us-going-grey

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 16/07/2015 01:29

As a 50 year old woman I just spat out my wine!

Are you really that young?

Would love to read a post from your mum.

'I love my dd but she feels I should be defined by having a man in my life! Where did I go wrong? Am having lots of fun just shagging and one night stands but obviously can't tell her as she sees me in the latter stages of my life. If only she knew bless her.'

AnulTheMagnificent · 16/07/2015 01:29

There is more to life than having a man. I wish I had stayed single. I am older than your Mum, I gave up makeup when I stopped working, as my clothes wore out or became too small I replaced them with more comfortable ones.

I would rather be with a man that accepted me as I am than what I have now.

I do my own hair, when I feel like it, for me, not for anyone else.

I am probably more lonely than if I had stayed single, I was happy on my own. My cats are important to me, more than dressing up and going out.

Take her shopping, go to the hairdresser together and see what she has to say, she might not feel the need to dress up any more.Listen to what she has to say.She may be depressed, she may be happy, she may be in a rut and just need a nudge, but listen.