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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

182 replies

animefan89 · 16/07/2015 00:17

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

OP posts:
AlisonBlunderland · 16/07/2015 17:08

I'd hate a fucking spa day.
Unless it was a spa day that actually included fucking. That would be grest

revealall · 16/07/2015 17:19

Tinkly can we not have a clue as to the activity (please!).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/07/2015 17:49

Reveal Well not wanting to totally out myself, but think something like an Art group, where you chat away and get to know each other a bit as people, (and go down the pub afterwards).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/07/2015 17:51

Oh what the heck, it's my writing group. Really good fun with (slightly geeky) people of all ages.

Gabilan · 16/07/2015 18:01

OP just out of interest, how does you mother achieve a cold, empty space on one side of the bed whilst owning cats? It's just that in my experience, keeping the furry fuckers out of the bedroom is something of a challenge. Of course, you can just shut the door but many of them will just yowl until they're let in, or head for the nearest valuable thing that looks fragile and smack it onto the floor. Even supposedly feral cats like mine will start pacing outside the door at the time they think breakfast should be served, usually around 4am.

And I find, as I approach my twilight zone years, that that is unfortunately the same time that my bladder gives up and the urge to pee wakes me. I then stumble out onto the landing, meaning a high chance of wearing one of said cats as a slipper. This does not go down well. If I avoid treading on the cat, it will inevitably creep into the bedroom and since my night vision isn't what it used to be I don't notice until after I've crawled back to bed and made it back to sleep. Then bingo, 5am and the cat's evil little face appears over the edge of the bed, like a chad with whiskers, chirruping about food.

It's not so bad in the summer, but in the winter the cats know that my bed is where I their favourite hot water bottle sleeps. If your mum has discovered a really good way of keeping them out, I'd like to know what it is.

EmmaWoodlouse · 16/07/2015 18:11

you either go with it and let yourself become grey, or if you decide to die your hair you have to keep on top of it

But presumably when you first make the decision to "go with it", you have to grow it out until the grey part is long enough to have cut into a style you like? One of my teachers at school was blonde with a pure white parting for a few months, then when she had about 3cm of white she got a very nice short crop, all white. Maybe this mum is planning to do the same.

motherinferior · 16/07/2015 18:43

Oh god, actually the idea of a cold empty space to move into when the night sweats do their thing... utter bliss. OP, I may die of envy of your mum.

I wear jeans a lot but rather low necklines giving a flash of coloured lacy bra.

MummySparkle · 16/07/2015 18:55

I'm by no means suggesting anybody should dress in jeans that doesnt want to. If you feel comfortable in a mini skirt and heels I say go for it Grin I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I live in jeans, and I imagine I will do forever more - I love jeans!

The point I was trying to make is that by changing the style of jeans that you wear can make a big difference to your over-all look. A casual t-shirt with badly-fitting jeans looks like you haven't really bothered, but the same tshirt with a pair of jeans that suit your body shape, I think, gives you a better appearance. I guess I was making the assumption that the OP's mum was wearing ill-fitting jeans.

Original poster
animefan89 · 16/07/2015 19:04

I am surprised at some of the responses my post received. Some of them were rather hostile I must say! I would like to address some of the questions that people have directed at me. I have a very close relationship with my mum. No, I am not trying to offload her. I am not sure if she is depressed, but I am sure that something isn't right with her. When you have known someone so well for so long, you can tell when something is troubling them even if they haven't explicitly stated it. Surely lots of Mums and DDs have that kind of relationship?

She used to care a lot more about how she looks. She is currently slap bang in the middle of menopause so I am wondering if that could have anything to do with it? The shopping and salon trip sounds like a nice idea. I will not be telling my mum she looks frumpy. Also I am 25 and yes I have a DP and a job. Not sure why that has any relevance, but someone asked about it.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 16/07/2015 19:21

'yes I have a DP and a job. Not sure why that has any relevance, but someone asked about it.'

That was me, I wondered if you had enough distractions in your life and was going to suggest a pet.
Now, if you had a child, that would be lovely. Or two. My parents adore their grandchildren. It's given them a whole new lease of life and a reason not to get sedentary and frumpy. Or lonely.

Floisme · 16/07/2015 19:32

Hi op I think you're getting a bit of a torrid time on here. But then I enjoy a spa day so maybe I'm a soft touch Grin

If your mum has always been interested in her appearance until recently then yes, there may be something going on. The menopause can change your body shape and it just be that she doesn't know what clothes suit her any more (that happened to me). Are you close enough to ask her?

butterfly133 · 16/07/2015 19:40

anime, glad you came back.

I know what you mean about picking up on stuff but wouldn't the right thing to do be to talk to her? Something may be bothering her that is not even on your radar. Even when you are very close, I am with my mum, it doesn't mean we can always figure out what's going on.

She may not want to bother with appearances any more and she may have no interest in a partner.

Friends who have been through the menopause tell me that even if they fancied a change of style, the chances of being a completely different shape at the end of it made them feel as if it was a waste of time and money, so they waited. One friend who was very slim ballooned in menopause and seems to have found this quite liberating. Always good not to make assumptions about this stuff.

So yes, if you think something is awry - have a chat with her.

Icelandicsuperyoghurt · 16/07/2015 20:43

It's great that you have a close enough relationship with your Mum to realise something isn't quite right and she's not 'herself'. I doubt my dd would even notice :(

The peri-menopause/menopause, can make some women feel like ten types of shit. And depression, exhaustion aren't uncommon. Maybe when the moment is right, you could say she doesn't seem herself and ask if she's ok? You sound very caring.

Btw, although I don't want another bloke in my life, I'd LOVE a spa day :)

BleachEverything · 16/07/2015 20:54

I knew you'd get ripped a new one.

HagOtheNorth · 16/07/2015 20:57

Look at the title again, that doesn't come across as caring or concerned.
Mum needs to spruce up her geriatric arse before she hits her twilight years or she'll never catch herself another man.
If you are worried about a relative, you talk to them, go out somewhere with them, find out what's on their minds and see how you can support them.
Perhaps her mum could develop a new interest not based on the approval of a male that offers companionship without the need to invite them to have sex and stay. OP give no indication that she's thought about what her mother wants at all. Or if she's prepared to support her through all the potential issues with flinging her back into the relationships/tinder/PlentyoFish mess.

Yes, the menopause makes you irritable on occasion too...

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2015 21:01

OP you lost me at "as she enters the later years of her life" I'm afraid.

derxa · 16/07/2015 21:02

Strange to say I was very attractive at 52. That's not significant. I am not your mum. We are all different and should not be defined by age. Does your mum want to be a sex kitten? Let her be.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2015 21:03

"I don't judge her on how she looks..."

Not much!

TheHumanSatsuma · 16/07/2015 21:06

PMSL GAbilan!

"as she enters the later years of her life"

REALLY!
this may come back to haunt you with any luck

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2015 21:14

I've just told my 52 year old BF about this. He laughed like a deranged maniac drain

Ineedtimeoff · 16/07/2015 21:20

I'd love a spa day, or a shopping trip, or a trip to the salon (paid by someone else), or even a cheeky wee glass bottle of fizz.

Could not be arsed finding a man and filling the space next to me in bed I've invested in a great vibrator

WeirdCatLady · 16/07/2015 21:20

OP, so you 'know something isn't right' with your Mom. Would that 'something' be her dd slagging her off online, commenting on how she isn't making herself nice and pretty for a man??

FFS. Hmm

oddfodd · 16/07/2015 21:22

Do you know she wants to have someone to fill that 'cold, empty space'? Or is she perfectly happy as she is?

I'm your mum's age. I don't do online dating because I don't want a relationship.

ps I fucking hate spas. And shopping

Nevercallmehun · 16/07/2015 22:07

I'm 41 and can honestly say if something happened to DH I absolutely cannot see myself being arsed having a man ever again. I would be quite happy on my own.

If I found out my daughter thought I should pretty myself up to find a man I'd think it laughable. Don't foist your own values and priorities onto someone else.

Allofaflumble · 16/07/2015 22:44

Maybe when you get to 52 you will understand the relief in not having to primp and preen so some man will see you as shag worthy.