For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

[animefan89]

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

Excellent spin on Pride and Prejudice OP, with Mr Bennett - daughters financially secure - having run off to study abroad - and Lydia Bennett (divorced and on the dating scene) bemoaning her mother's discovery of the joys off solitude!

and What could be more joyous than

empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life

Restful sleep forevermore
What a divine treat ? :)

I'm 35 and haven't been to a salon for a year even though I have a man to stay pretty for. I'm clearly doomed to be eaten by cats when I enter my old age in 15 years.

Three of my sisters are in their 50s, all are fully grey, wear no make up and are salon averse yet are inundated with men asking them out despite two being married and the other happily long term single.

Funny how the assumption (from you op) is that men won't look twice... if you are grey!
So, you've also managed to paint men as small minded as your silly, ignorant post.

Maybe she has decided to allow herself not to be defined by a man or society. If so, good for her. Your mum sounds lovely. Tell her to join MN

^ This ^ With bells on.

God know what you'd think of me at 48 with my comfy Hotter sandals on, not giving a shiny shit what anyone else thinks

indeed spa days are just a horrible idea, now an art gallery and science museum, yes please.

I just think its a shame that the assumption is single women should be looking for a man.

I know it's not the mumsnet assumption but I think it's there in wider society.

lost. for. words.

I think whether this thread is genuine or bait (and from the OPs silence since the first post I'll take a guess) it's a nice reminder that we really still need feminism!

I think I'd rather have a smear test than a spa day

I'm with the others OP - leave her be, I'm a very happy single 50 year old and don't need or want a man in my life - and that empty space on the other side of the bed? is filled by ME

ok.... firstly, I'll say it - I'm 40. overweight. scruffy. Haven't set foot in a salon since I was about 10. Never wear makeup. Don't do hair removal.

I've also inthe last 6 years ended a marriage, got engaged, had 2 kids, broken that engagement (my choice), had a new relationsip, had another child and got married in May to a man who loves ME, not just what I could look like if I was bothered to worry about how I look.

so you're wrong about her potential for finding a partner IF she wanted one.

Secondly, my grandfather died when I was 4. My grandmother died when I was 38. In those 34 years, she had no urge to find a partner. She did have a "gentleman who is my friend" but stopped that when he "had ideas" and asked her to marry him. Her response of "Why on EARTH would I want to do that. I've buried one husband and don't want another one!" should tell you what I think of your suggestion that your mum is lonely.

notquitegrownup2

My mum similarly seemed to give up on herself at that age. Are you up north?

You're going to have to elaborate. Why is being up North relevant?

It's the drizzle - it makes us lose interest in our hair Oop North

hahaha love it :)

Lady P - I'm 39. I think the poster is real and as you can see, I'm not impressed!

I don't think my age or the age of the mother are relevant. I take the view that if an adult is chugging along just fine, if they haven't asked for help, if they haven't behaved in a way that might indicate a cry for help - leave them alone.

I did also think this post reeked of a certain type of person though and they do exist - the type who think it's an awful thing not to do stuff about your appearance and also who think being single is a catastrophe. I've been "warned" that it's easy for my DP to walk away as we're not married. Guess what? That's why I don't want to get married. He actually does want to!

If the OP came back and said "Mum wants to meet someone" it would be a bit different, but I imagine that info would have been in the original post.

If the OP came back and said "Mum wants to meet someone" it would be a bit different, but I imagine that info would have been in the original post.

Yes, I agree.

I do wonder where op got the attitude of 'You must look nice and find a man' in the first place though, because if it was from her mum (and that's quite possibly, although depressing as fuck) then it does imply that her mum's personality has changed dramatically in this regard and that she may be struggling a bit.

As a bit of context, I'm 33 and had a VERY image-conscious mother. I am determinedly scruffy. When my mother stopped caring about what she wore I got really worried though, because for her to dress like me meant that she must be bloody suicidal.......

I honestly think this is a joke thread as school holidays are here but either way it's made me laugh out loud.

Psssst op if it's legitimate then you really really need to work on your own life dear as you sound as shallow and wet as a car park puddle.

LadyP, you asked the age of us doubters. I'm going to be 50 this year and (oh the horror) I am single and (oh the double horror) also think that a spa day would be my idea of hell. I'm the scruffy daughter of a pretty middle of the road mother. Like you say, it would be interesting to know where the "you must get a man" thing comes from in the daughter's mindset. (I will confess that although I like the single life, a shag every now and then would be nice, and there is no doubt that it is much harder to get one at my current age than it was back in my 20s and 30s - though I suspect this is more a matter of available options than attractiveness: there's just a much smaller pool of men to choose from, most of the good 'uns being married n'all by this age).

OP is either stuck somewhere in the 1950s (women must have a man and be neatly turned out in order to get one) or on the wind up. I actually hope she's on the wind up (a suspicion enhanced by the fact that she hasn't bothered to come back).

One of the many advantages of being over 50 is that you finally get to a point where you do what the fuck you want because you know that nobody cares.

No kids at home, job / career where you want it to be, a bit more money in your pocket - dye your hair or don't, stay fashionable or not, get fit, get a hobby, whatever you want. The one thing you don't want is taking in hand by a 26 year old with no frigging idea .

relatively newbie here - what is the connection with school holidays and crazy posts?

I also think it's real because there is definitely an attitude around - as with the "social conventions" on greying hair - that appearance is terribly important. A lot of people really do think that, so the apparent shallowness of it doesn't make me any less inclined to think it is real.

I've just re-read my post from last night. No I'm not Becky Bloomfield, and it wasn't intended to be funny either.

However I had meant to put somewhere in there that if OP's mum wanted to change then that would be my suggestion. I really should stop posting late at night when I'm half asleep!!

I'm a similar age to the OP, and my mum had given up a bit on her appearance a few years ago and I could tell she wasn't happy. So we went shopping together, bought some nice jeans and she's a lot happier about how she looks now. She's been married to my DSDad for years so it wasn't about her finding a man, just about her self confidence.

Maybe she just doesn't want or need a man?

Because a lot of school kids suddenly have a lot of free time and can spend that online making use of their active imaginations butterfly

I imagine if the OP is real cough cough their mother is saddened by their apparent conviction that a happy life and personal fulfilment is impossible without a man.

OP sounds like for the first time in her life your mother has no one to look after or please but her cats and could well be relaxing and enjoying her freedom.