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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

182 replies

animefan89 · 16/07/2015 00:17

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

OP posts:
Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 16/07/2015 01:31

Although mummy your post is actually funnier. Grin

madwomanbackintheattic · 16/07/2015 02:17

I am 44. I grew my grey out last year. Grin I am no more interested in a salon than I am in taking up taxidermy.

I am assuming that your extremely shallow op was a joke, because if I was your mother I would be counselling you to get some self esteem and realise that your life does not revolve around getting andkeeping a man and looking purty until you drop dead.

Goodness...

I am married, as it happens. But as others have said, I'm not entirely sure I'd bother to gussy up and try and catch another one online dating if I carelessly lost this one. And certainly not anyone who judged on me whether or not I had perfectly ordinary grey hair for my age... And actually, I'd be disappointed if any of kids did either.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/07/2015 02:32

MummySparkle are you Becky Bloomwood?

Jaysus, leave the poor woman alone.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/07/2015 02:41

Confessions Of A Shallow Daughter

Chapter One

The Risk Of Becoming a Lonely Old Spinster

My mum is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold but it's been years since she had been to a salon. Her roots are actually grey!...

textfan · 16/07/2015 03:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spermysextowel · 16/07/2015 03:33

So how old are you?

Out2pasture · 16/07/2015 03:58

i'm another one proud of my grey hair (I've earned every one of them) and look forward to embracing being silver...hoping for a nice shiny silver.
i'm another who has given up work clothing for more comfortable relaxed items. my weight fluctuates and buying clothes can be pricey, and building a nice small wardrobe can be a challenge.
sounds to me like you need to spend time with your mom and find out what she wants, you might be off track with the desire to doll up and find a man....or maybe she tells you that because she thinks that is what you want to hear...I don't know but sounds like some nice casual conversations might be fun.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2015 04:23

school hols innit

saffronwblue · 16/07/2015 04:24

Gosh this all sounds as if you are worried that if you do not pimp her up sufficiently she will not snare a man and you will have to look after her. For interest, OP what do you think is the basis of a loving long term relationship?

If she is not happy, then she may need some support. If she is happy then good luck to her.

geekymommy · 16/07/2015 04:38

I'm 40. I have decided that my marriage to DH is the last romantic relationship I will seek out in my life. I hated dating. Some people do. The idea of never having to date again feels liberating to me. It's like if you figured out how to never have to do one of your most hated household chores or work tasks again.

Do you know for a fact that she is interested in dating? If she's not, at best she'll laugh behind your back at your advice on how to date better. At worst, she'll be offended. Don't assume she must be interested in dating.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 16/07/2015 05:21

IF the NN is a clue, OP is mid-twenties.

musicalendorphins2 · 16/07/2015 05:38

OP your mom may not be interested in getting a partner. I am older than her, and if I am ever single/widowed, I will have no interest in getting a romantic partner. However, if you feel your mom may not realize she looks frumpy, and may like to look better, go out with her to get your hair done together, or go shopping together.

She may have decided keeping greys at bay is too much of a bother and is letting it grow out.

BestIsWest · 16/07/2015 05:55

Dear God, I am 52. Entering the later years of my life Hmm.

She may be quite happy as she is. I'm considering letting my roots grow out and quite happy to dress to suit my age.

Having a man in your life is not the be all and end all you know. I really would not be interested in a man I had to 'compete' for on online dating sites. I'm old enough to be comfortable in with my appearance and Your mum probably is too.

However, you obviously care about your mum. Have you actually tried talking to her instead of assuming this is what she wants?

BestIsWest · 16/07/2015 05:59

ah, you haven't. How much time do you spend with her?

HagOtheNorth · 16/07/2015 06:02

You know, I'm older than your mum and live with a cosplay/anime fan.
I occasionally have moments of wishing she'd grow the fuck up, especialy around expo times. But I love her, and she's free to make her own choices.
However bizzare I sometimes find them.
Has your mother ever expressed interest in online dating, or even having another long-term partner, wanting to visit a salon on a regular basis?
Or are you making those decisions for her?

Icelandicsuperyoghurt · 16/07/2015 06:06

Unless your Mum has said she is looking for a new relationship, or is unhappy/depressed, then I'd not worry.

I'm 54, divorced and happily single. I have a best friend who happens to be male, we are affectionate and have sex but I DO NOT want a 'proper' relationship with him or anyone else. I've been married for 23 years and was miserable for much of it, but didn't have the confidence or courage to leave. Now I feel liberated, free and adore being able to do what I want when I want. Or not, as the case may be.

If your Mum is happy, then don't worry about her appearance. Unless she is neglecting herself because she is depressed, which is different.

HagOtheNorth · 16/07/2015 06:09

I'm assuming the poster is around 26, due to the year in her name.

pearpotter · 16/07/2015 06:10

I don't think I could be arsed picking up after a man again if I ever found myself single.

HagOtheNorth · 16/07/2015 06:14

If I found myself single, I'd revel in the space!
I don't dye my hair either, because my relationship isn't based on physical appearance. Nor is my happiness, past and future, centred around the LOve Of A Good Man. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have it, but it's not the reason for my continued existence.
Have you got a partner OP? Children? A challenging job? Something to distract you from interfering in your mother's life?

SanityClause · 16/07/2015 06:23

Have to agree with others, OP. I am in my mid 40s and if anything happened to DH, I would be perfectly happy to live alone. (Well, with my 3 DC at the moment.)

If your DM does decide she wants to find a new partner, I would imagine she could sort it out for herself.

Of course, if she asks your advice, you could tell her what you think the problems are. But until she does, keep out of it.

notquitegrownup2 · 16/07/2015 06:27

OP I think that you have been judged a little harshly for your concern for your mum, perhaps because you have focused on her appearance. However, sometimes outward appearances can be a signal to how someone is feeling, and your mum may be struggling to be herself, having to adjust to becoming single at 48. (My mum similarly seemed to give up on herself at that age. Are you up north? She clearly thought she was too old to do anything new, and it wasn't until Grandchildren came along that she found her mojo again.)

Your mum may not need a man, but it is good to have other people in your life. Perhaps the two of you going on a spa day, for her birthday treat, may be an idea, or a clothes shopping trip as you suggest. But try gently to see if she fancies getting out a bit more too - a book group can be a very gentle way of meeting people and making new friends. Or she may fancy some exercise - an exercise class or walking group: we have a local walking group/rambling group who walk somewhere, take in a pub for Sunday lunch, then walk back again.

Does she work? If not maybe she would start volunteering somewhere - the local league of friends at a hospital is always looking for someone to make tea/sell sandwiches . . .

HTH

FarFromAnyRoad · 16/07/2015 06:35

My DM is 52 ..............I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life - Shocking lack of comprehension about what actually constitutes the 'later years of life'

She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me - of everything you've posted THAT is the saddest thing. Poor woman.

...hasn't been to a salon for a long time - so put your hand in your pocket and treat her

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort - you use the word 'think' as if that's actually what you've done here. Helpful hint - you haven't actually thought at all.

.....risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life - as opposed to what? A warm sweaty space with some big useless piece of sweaty meat that she doesn't want there?

I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would - where have you said she's doing online dating? Oh, that's right. You haven't. Would that be because she isn't?

I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should - No. You should take your empty shallow worthless ill-thought out opinions, roll them into a cone, grease them liberally and stick them up someone's arse. Preferably yours.

I've already invested too much in this but that's what happens when the dog wakes everyone up with a fresh flea infestation (can't see myself keeping a man like that either!).
Oh - has anyone bothered to welcome you to Mumsnet? How rude.

HoldenCaulfield80 · 16/07/2015 06:47

Ha! Because men only like women who don't have roots and are impeccably presented, right? Did feminism and the 20th century not happen to you then?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 16/07/2015 06:53

Shit, I'm 56, "later years"? Cheers op.
Maybe she has decided to allow herself not to be defined by a man or society. If so, good for her. Your mum sounds lovely. Tell her to join Mn.

LadyPlumpington · 16/07/2015 07:01

Op my mum went a little as you describe when she turned 50 - it was as if she decided 'Now I am old' overnight. She told her sister that you can't make new friends when you're over 50; since my aunt met and married her 3rd husband aged 53 she is somewhat Hmm about that remark.

If you think that your mum is unhappy then maybe book her a pampering session or something and go on about how fab she looks - maybe that will boost her confidence. She may be quite happy as she is though.....