Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

182 replies

animefan89 · 16/07/2015 00:17

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 16/07/2015 07:04

You sound like a real delight!

ilovesooty · 16/07/2015 07:11

I'm older than the OP's mother and I can't think of anything I'd like less than a fucking spa day.

FenellaFellorick · 16/07/2015 07:16

does she want to have a relationship? Is she unhappy with her life or her appearance?

There's not actually anything wrong with grey hair or not dressing like something out of a fashion magazine

Is she happy? Is she living the life she wants to live? If yes, leave her be.

If no, and if she is talking to you about it and if she is asking your advice - give it. Advice is exactly that. It's not a command. Just an opinion. Just don't give it unasked for to someone who seems perfectly happy with their lot. Only to someone who asks for it.

If she seems unhappy but isn't talking to you, ask her if she's ok. But don't speculate and decide why she's seeming low and then say something crass like mum you seem a bit low. You need to stop dressing like a frump, cover up that grey and go find yourself a man.

Floisme · 16/07/2015 07:27

Op I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because I think some posts are being unecessarily prickly about the 'later years' comment. I'm 58 and of course these are the later years, get real people

What I can't tell from your post is whether your mum has ever been interested in her appearance or whether this is a new thing? If she's always been like this then I agree with everyone saying you should leave her alone.

However if she used to take more interest then it's possible that she's lost her sense of style a bit (it can happen during/after menopause). She may not know what suits her any more, in which case she may really welcome your offering to take her shopping (she could see a personal shopper in a store for advice) or looking at magazines together.

But please don't tell her she needs a man in her life and stop judging her for having grey hair!

fourtothedozen · 16/07/2015 07:29

Trip trap.....

Nargles · 16/07/2015 07:35

II don't have a cold empty space in the bed next to me because I like to lie diagonally across it in a star shape

Mrsjayy · 16/07/2015 07:42

Maybe your mum doesnt want another relationship perhaps she wants a quiet life with her grey hair and cat maybe she was in a marraige where he insisted she looked pristine and now she is more relaxed and content with life have you asked her if she is happy or not ? IF she isnt unhappy or depressed then thats just the way she is now.i am near your mums age i dress for comfort and considering letting my grey come through it isnt a huge deal try and not worry im sure your mum will be fine with her spinster life

Hidsup · 16/07/2015 07:45

I'm going to view your post as well meant but a bit naive. Everyone's ambitions and ideas of life are different OP. Do you know if your mum wants a partner or is it your ambition for her?

If she does then maybe she needs to find a man who likes her as she is.

Ignoring the whole drama over whether you should be defined by looks or a man ...The only thing that crossed my mind is whether she is possibly depressed. If you feel her appearance has change I.e. She used to dress differently then that is worth considering.

If my children said anything to me along the lines of "you've let yourself go" however subtly I'd be devastated so just don't go there. You can shop together and make suggestions. I like shopping with my children as they do make me change my habits. However I usually reject everything they offer as we are 30yrs apart in age so their idea and mine is wildly different.

You might be amused to hear what she thinks of your outfits.

EmmaWoodlouse · 16/07/2015 08:01

Do you believe that all 52-year-olds should be compelled to dye any grey hair? I'm 49 and if I had grey or white hair, I wouldn't want to disguise it. What's wrong with it? Do you think men should dye grey hair too? Or wear wigs to cover up bald patches?

Don't think of it as her having let herself go, think of it as her having found her own style that she's comfortable with, which doesn't happen to be to your taste. You probably wouldn't like it if she constantly interfered with your clothes and hair choices, so please, don't do it to her.

Also, you haven't indicated that your mum actually wants another relationship, so don't assume she does. She sounds to me like someone who is enjoying being able to do exactly what she wants for the first time, without having to make compromises with anybody. Maybe one day she will fall in love with someone who makes her want to change in some ways, maybe she'll fall in love with someone who (unlike you, it seems) will appreciate her exactly as she is. But there's no harm in waiting for that to happen naturally rather than going out and actively looking for romance.

drudgetrudy · 16/07/2015 08:23

Wow-just turn this round for a minute and imagine a mother on here asking if she should have a word with her daughter about her appearance as she will never attract a man.
Leave her alone and concentrate on being a nice daughter to her.
If you think she is getting depressed encourage her to widen her interests but if she's happy as she is its up to her.

FarFromAnyRoad · 16/07/2015 08:29

fourtothedozen - is it only us that can see that?

SycamoreMum · 16/07/2015 08:31

Wow ppl on this thread a little mean. OP obviously loves her mum and just wants to make sure shes ok; yes she could have used another way to explain the situation but we're all big girls here and can read in between the lines. Jesus.

scarlets · 16/07/2015 08:32

The lack of friends bothers me, this could be a problem. I don't think it is healthy to rely on your children, socially.

The grey hair, singledom, and unfashionable clothes don't matter!

She needs to get out and about. Volunteer, join things, reconnect with old friends.

whois · 16/07/2015 08:51

YABU and incredibly presumptuous. Grey roots showing? How very dare she!

It's quite widely accepted social convention that you either go with it and let yourself become grey, or if you decide to die your hair you have to keep on top of it because different coloured roots is not a good look.

I think OP is speaking from a place of love. Book a salmon visit for you both to do together and maybe have a little clothes shop together? Sounds like your mum has just lost confidence a little and needs a boost to get back on track.

And 52 isn't old. So all the more reason to celebrate yourself and dress well with a good hair cut.

whois · 16/07/2015 08:53

I'm older than the OP's mother and I can't think of anything I'd like less than a fucking spa day.

Not even if it was with your daughter? Nice chat, but of nice food, but if a relax?

whois · 16/07/2015 08:53

Bit of. Not but of.

BIWI · 16/07/2015 08:56

Oooh - I'm 55 - I'd love a salmon visit! Is that in Scotland somewhere?

cashewnutty · 16/07/2015 08:57

I am 52 and i AM NOT entering the later years of my life. In fact i am entering a new chapter with the children grown up and having time to think of myself at last. I feel renewed and reinvigorated.

OP - maybe your mum is content how she is. Maybe she doesn't want or need a man in her life.

I agree that you should try and arrange a day out for both of you. Tell her you want her to help you choose new clothes for yourself then subtly get her to try things on.

Another thought - does your mum have enough money? Perhaps she is short of cash and just can't afford to buy new clothes or get her hair done?

butterfly133 · 16/07/2015 09:03

Whois, yes it is a widely accepted social convention, that doesn't mean OP mum should follow it or that her daughter should find it so amazing she doesn't follow it that she feels the need to post here, linking it up to a bunch of other assumptions, probably based on widely accepted social conventions about how a woma should have a man.

lol at the person who made the comment about salons and taxidermy.

WeirdCatLady · 16/07/2015 09:09

OP, you talk a lot about what YOU want and what YOU think....have you actually asked your Mom what SHE wants and thinks???

suzannecanthecan · 16/07/2015 09:09

this is a wind up and no mistake, it was obvious from the initial post

Roussette · 16/07/2015 09:11

Some posters have been horrible on this thread, I wouldn't be surprised if the OP didn't come back, I wouldn't

I am older than your DM. I think your post comes from love even if it is a bit clumsily put. I agree that you should gently try and spend time with your Mum and very gently go shopping with her suggesting some purchases, have a spa day, show her how to spoil herself and not give up. It all depends on whether she has always been a bit like this as far as her appearance or whether she has let herself go a bit. If the latter, she might be a bit unhappy and need some help from you.

If she has always not bothered much with her appearance, you really shouldn't try and change her, she just might be happy as she is.

Speaking as someone experienced in being older (that's me!), you do have to work at it a bit more the older you get - exercise, getting your roots done (I don't want grey hair), working out what suits you clothes wise (not looking mutton dressed as lamb) and it does take far more time and effort than it used to. It sounds like your DM has perhaps lost her mojo and might welcome some help from you, OP. On the other hand, she might not! My DC's aren't backward in telling me when I look a tit

FarFromAnyRoad · 16/07/2015 09:11

Exactly so suzanne. There was a bit of an outbreak last night over all the topics. Hot sultry night, start of the school hols - MN is the obvious destination isn't it?

LadyPlumpington · 16/07/2015 09:14

If it is trip-trappery, sadly it is very believable trip-trappery (from my experience with my own mother anyway - she properly decided that she was too old for life when she turned 50).

FWIW, I believe the op means well.

suzannecanthecan · 16/07/2015 09:14

really folks ought not to take the bait so easily!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread