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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I dont appreciate him

187 replies

AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:30

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
IAmAShitHotLawyer · 11/07/2015 10:34

What was the last nice thing you did for him to show your appreciation - and vice versa?

WorraLiberty · 11/07/2015 10:35

How old are the kids?

In what way does he think you're not showing appreciation? You haven't really told us that bit.

MuttonCadet · 11/07/2015 10:36

It's the same as love and respect, if you aren't showing it in words and deeds, how can you tell it's there?

LazyLouLou · 11/07/2015 10:39

Both of you. You are both stressed and tired and not working as a team. The building work is adding a layer of stress that has knocked both of you into survival mode.

I say that because neither of you seem to appreciate the other at the moment. You both need some appreciation to be shown, you both need to be smiled at and to be told you are loved.

Don't let it fester - though you may need to go through a bit of a testy discussion. You need to discuss how the building work is making you both stressed and that he does have a point re. showing appreciation for the efforts you are both making. I think you are wrong, by the way. Love and respect can often be invisible, but only when things are going well. When something unusual pops up you both deserve the other to reiterate that despite all of the stress, you are still loved and appreciated.

Good luck.

Original poster
AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:39

I bought a chocolate twist home from the bakery last night for us to share. We had a nice BBq on Father's day for him, which I shopped especially for.
A couple of days ago I went and bought him the next season of the series he's been watching.
I often drive when we go out so that he can have a drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:42

You guys are quick- slow typer here...

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 11/07/2015 10:44

Does he show you appreciation for your 24/7 job? And for taking care of the children so that he doesn't have to/doesn't have to pay someone else to?

Original poster
AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:47

I think he wants me to just remember all he does for us. He was reminding me last night of all the things he does, and saying I have no idea what its like as I can go to the park etc
This doesn't sit well with me -I feel as If he saying "You should be grateful to your master for being such a fantastic provider, you're lucky I do all this"

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 11/07/2015 10:47

It's hard work having children! Never enough time or money and always something needs doing. Try to work as a team. Have a chat tonight after the children are in bed about what you both think is a reasonable division of 'responsibilities' and work out what you're both happy with. You both need to be honest, give and take, try not to be defensive and remember you're in it together. Good luck!

AndDeepBreath · 11/07/2015 10:48

Appreciation, love and respect all need to be shown in their own way.

I can see how in a state of total exhaustion the last thing you want to do is light up with a bright smile when someone walks in a room and ask about their (tedious) day ... but that sort of little thing can add up to a lot of frustration and feelings of neglect in the long run. It's also a big change from the early days of a relationship when you sort of light up for each other, and it can feel sad if/when it's not there.

On the plus side I guess, you're talking about it? Can you both start overtly thanking each other more and asking for more support when you need it, or is that not quite how it would work? Also is there any scope for more support for you? (That dreaded MN "cleaner" who I couldn't personally afford but sounds fab!!)

Flowers to you both, you must be knackered. Also I hate cleaning too, you're not alone there!

totallybewildered · 11/07/2015 10:49

I am on his side slightly, although I agree you should both be showing a lot more appreciation for each other.

Topseyt · 11/07/2015 10:50

He gives the children breakfast, goes to work, then cooks dinner and helps with bedtime when he gets in.

That is waaaaaaay more than ever got done for me when I was an SAHM, you are lucky there. I did children's breakfast, school run, housework, laundry, shopping, dog walking and all family meals (because I dread to think what horrible crap we would have been eating otherwise).

It is a long day for your DP. Perhaps he does need to know you understand that. You perhaps both need to demonstrate more appreciation and respect for each other here.

treetops99 · 11/07/2015 10:51

Well, from the little info you've given - although no doubt there'll be a massive dripfeed on the way - I'm inclined to agree with him.

He gets up, sees to the children, gets them fed, goes off and does a full day's work, comes home to a house that's a "bomb", by your own admission, makes your dinner for you and deals with bedtime. You, on the other hand, appear to spend the day taking the kids on jollies and social outings and not doing much else because you "don't like housework". What else do you do, exactly? Genuine question.

Original poster
AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:53

I feel we show our appreciation in what we do- he provides for us and works hard I have carried, birthed and looked after our children. I feel I shouldn't have to do more to compensate for the 'fact' that he 'does more' or has a 'harder time'

OP posts:
NickiFury · 11/07/2015 10:53

When my ex H was stressed or pissed off he certainly made sure I knew about it. I would walk in and see his thunderous face and my heart would sink. I do think in a couple you have a responsibility to not dictate the atmosphere. I think it sounds like you both have valid points really but he is trying to talk to you about something that is bothering him and he doesn't sound like he's being over the top or demanding to me.

Teabagbeforemilk · 11/07/2015 10:54

I don't think either of you are wrong.

You are in the phase where it's hard work for everyone.when you are knackered and constantly busy it's easy to forget what other people do. It's also easy to forget to treat the other person appreciation. I think you are both very busy and both are finding it hard and need to appreciate each others efforts more

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 10:54

How old are your kids

QuiteLikely5 · 11/07/2015 10:56

Regardless of the rights and wrongs he is telling you he doesn't feel valued best to ask how you can make him valued.

In my house I occasionally say to dh when he gets in from work ' sit down, you're doing nothing tonight' and it goes down very well. It also means that if I'm having a bad day sometimes he comes home and tells me to put my feet up!

Families are hard work, don't take it out on each other.

I also don't think the house should be a mess every day. Half and half yes but every day no.

Coming home to a grump every day isn't good either.

I know this because my own dh has told me Grin

Good luck with it all.

Bakeoffcake · 11/07/2015 10:56

Gosh he does an awful lot IMO.

How old are the children?

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 10:56

He must also be mindful that you looking after the children enables him to work

LazyLouLou · 11/07/2015 10:58

I feel we show our appreciation in what we do but your post shows that this isn't enough for either of you.

You say here that he provides well and works hard... have you told him that, as in said the words out loud, said Thank You?

He is telling you he feels unappreciated... your unspoken response is that you do too!

TALK TO HIM!!! You are both acting in ways that are undermining your relationship. Recognise that and deal with it.

Again, good luck.

LazyLouLou · 11/07/2015 11:00

Sorry, that was a bit unnecessary. But please, so many pps here are seeing the same thing. You are both stressed and not communicating well.

Don't let the building work ruin your relationship. Don't let resentment fester.

spad · 11/07/2015 11:00

Can you go back to work so that he can be a sahp?

Being a sahp is relentless and going to the park is hardly exciting, although I can see why it looks like a luxury. It is part of your remit as a sahp to go to the park, not a fancy added extra.

It sounds like you both have a lot on.

If your DH is resentful of all he does then maybe it is time to do a role swap. Maybe you should look at getting some help with the cleaning?

It sounds to be like you are being quite fair but perhaps you could both make an effort to greet each other kindly at the end of a hard day? And, maybe you could do breakfast? Although I don't know what the set up is so perhaps it is fair that you don't.

Most importantly I reckon your DH should remember that he gets the cudos and job satisfaction of being self employed because you stay at home. He should definitely be very appreciative of that.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/07/2015 11:02

The thing about being a SAHM is that you are not under the constant deadline/time pressure stresses that happen at work. You can organise and plan your time yourself, you can choose to go to the park on a nice day, or curl up on the sofa for cuddles and a movie on a winter afternoon.
Obviously there are downsides, like not going to the loo by yourself, and dealing with toddlers in supermarkets, but it is less pressured than being at work.
It sounds like your DP does do a lot; if he feels unappreciated would it kill you to make the man you love a cup of tea when he gets home? If you could find your way to giving him 10 minutes of attention and respite it would change the tenor of your evenings.
I can understand that you are tired, it is tiring looking after small children, but if you take the first steps in compromising here, you will respond the benefits.

AndDeepBreath · 11/07/2015 11:02

In response to your later posts, you're coming across as slightly defensive, and I don't mean to sound accusatory there as I'd be the absolute same... It just makes me wonder if you're feeling slightly guilty or something for not being the main "provider"?

Maybe he is feeling a bit scared and overwhelmed that it's all on him in that respect? Even while he doesn't understand how truly tedious and difficult your days are? Or do you feel that he's using money to control you (a different issue)? Do you want to go back to work, or are you happy at home?

It does sound like you need to talk more for both of your sakes - and tell each other out loud how much you do appreciate each other. It is "lucky" in one way to have a stable and loving relationship, and sometimes we do take it all for granted. Needing reassurance is human.