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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I dont appreciate him

187 replies

AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:30

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
treetops99 · 11/07/2015 12:35

He's such an ungrateful . He chose to have 3 so close together. If he wanted a tidy house & dinner on the table he should have kept it in his pants!*

Yes, because it's all his fault they have three kids. She had no say in it whatsoever, did she?

God, what's with all the man-bashing?!

Still waiting for the OP to tell us what the husband does for a living. He's self-employed. No doubt working extremely long hours as a result, so she can be a SAHM.

NickiFury · 11/07/2015 12:37

She's gone out, with her three very young children presumably so you may need to wait for an answer.

ASettlerOfCatan · 11/07/2015 12:43

You need to BOTH appreciate each other. Here's some things you can do:
Say I love you randomly.
Ask about each others days.
Listen to each other.
Thank each other (just a quick hmmm food looks great thanks love, what would I do without you)

Little things will go a long way to making you both feel loved and appreciated.

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 12:44

Does he ever look after all three at the same time. Maybe he needs a 24 hour taster

ASettlerOfCatan · 11/07/2015 12:47

Seems you are both doing a good amount to me. He works, does breakfast so you can lie in a touch, does dinner when he can, helps with bedtime and does some chores (lawn mowing, finances) You are dealing with 3 under 4. Use those small tips for now and soon the eldest ones will be hitting nursery and you will find an easier household routine with less chaos.

ASettlerOfCatan · 11/07/2015 12:48

Get him to take all except the newborn out one weekend. It willgive him more appreciation!

ovenchips · 11/07/2015 12:49

Hi OP. The number and especially ages of your children make a huge difference to your scenario.

You really are in the trenches at the mo and I would expect your DH to appreciate that it's a gruelling time (both for you and himself).

This phase doesn't last forever.

Goldenbear · 11/07/2015 12:51

Treetopps99, You do realise that often having a SAHP in a family is a 'planned' response rather than some kind of prize?

derxa · 11/07/2015 12:54

but right now the major effort has to be towards "everyone fed, no-one dead"
This is so true. Both the OP and DH have it tough at the moment. The DH has now gone from hero to zero on this thread. It actually makes me feel a bit sad to think that the situation described could lead to divorce. Life is hard but maybe the OP/DH should reflect on the good things in their lives.
3 lovely children
Enough money coming in to enable OP to stay at home and look after the children
An exciting new building project in the house
A stable partnership
A man who helps a lot with the children/a woman who looks after her children as a priority
This is a phase and they need to tough it out, be kind and thank their lucky stars.

Goldenbear · 11/07/2015 13:00

Being a SAHP is not 'easier' than most work if you're doing it 'correctly' IMO. I had a demanding job pre DC but it suited my personality - I work well under pressure and my attention to detail was needed in the job I carried out. As a SAHP my attention to detail is frankly a bit of a burden. Going to work, focusing on a job, coming home having 'eveything' done for me is actually quite appealing but is momentarily not an option.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 11/07/2015 13:07

I think it is fair enough that you aren't going much housework at the moment, as you are tired with a young baby. But, from your OP, I think your DH does a LOT & you don't seem to appreciate that.

I am at home with three preschoolers and also have one older DC at school. I do all the house admin and bill paying and all the cooking, food shopping, meal planning etc. I do this because my husband is self-employed and is busy running his own business.

Althought I'm busy with the little ones during the day, I do get more time during the day to do an online shop or pay bills online, take paperwork to post office etc. The younger ones have a nap and my 4 year old has 'quiet time' in the afternoon. That is my chance to have a quick tidy up and make something that we can heat up at dinner time.

I also prepare dinner every day during the week so that my DH has something to eat when he comes home after being at work all day. It isn't unusually anything impressive (& there have been times when I've called DH & ask him to pick up a takeaway on the way home) but he appreciates that I usually have something ready for him, even if it's only beans on toast.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 11/07/2015 13:15

I just read your post about cooking - forget anything that involves stages and peeling at the moment! Unless you or DH are going to stick it in a slow cooker the night before. Then you can just reheat it with some microwave rice (lazy and easy) the next day.

I have started making a big chilli with sachets of chilli spice (yes, I know it is easy to add your own spices but I like the convenience of just putting the sachet in with the mince). I make double amounts so that we get a few meals out of it, it takes about 5 mins to do (then leave to simmer for 20 mins) and all the DC actually eat it Smile

Norest · 11/07/2015 13:16

You both sound knackered and no wonder with all that going on.

It sounds like you both feel unappreciated. Could you have a discussion about what would make you both feel more appreciated? What would you like?

I think having a perfect house, dinner on the table and a smile and half an hour to spare to hear all about his day is unrealistic. But making a cuppa when he gets in, giving him a hug and taking a few minutes to hear about what is going on for him could be a compromise. So long as he is also willing to put in some effort to make gestures like this which show he appreciates you.

It's about both of you trying to carve out small pockets of time and gestures etc to show you both care. It does sound like you already do this with the things you menntion like buying a gift or organising a BBQ etc...does he realise you do this, and appreciate that or take it for granted?

It sounds like you both put in a lot of effort with work stuff, whether it is childcare, housework or financial stuff. So really this comes down to trying to find ways to recognise that in each other.

As much as he says you don't appreciate him, I wonder how much he appreciates you?

treetops99 · 11/07/2015 13:20

Goldenbear - Oh yes, of course. I was responding to the (frankly ridiculous) comment that the husband should be grateful because her staying at home with the kids is what allows him to work. That's just... utter nonsense. It goes both ways. He's undoubtedly working extremely hard - the OP says he's self employed, so he's not just turning up every day for minimum hours and pocketing a wage - so that she can stay at home with the kids too.

Goldenbear · 11/07/2015 13:39

Well, unless you know the OP's DH personally, maybe he should be 'grateful' to her for providing the main childcare. How do you know he wanted to do that 'job'- childcare, in particular for a newborn that needs regularly feeding? My DH didn't want to be a SAHD to babies and was very keen for our DC to be breastfed because of the health benefits. He was pleased that I wanted to be a SAHM and was 'grateful' as it's the scenario he wanted - luckily for him I felt the same!

Goldenbear · 11/07/2015 13:46

When these threads arise on MN these days, there is always great pity for men that are in paid employment and none for SAHM who is usually considered 'lazy'. There is a huge assumption that everyone is married to Mr Equal Opps and that there was naturally a desire for the Dad to nurse (in his own way) the baby from day one and be a SAHD. I only know one Dad who might have wanted that 'equal' consideration for the role most have preferred not to!

treetops99 · 11/07/2015 14:01

Yes, but this thread has automatically been twisted into "He wants his dinner on the table every night!" when the OP said nothing of the sort. Especially from that ridiculous poster who said if he hadn't wanted three young kids he should have kept it in his pants. There's no evidence that he didn't want the kids at all, he's obviously working extremely hard to provide for them and to do his share of the work on top of his full time business (and then some).

She said he wanted a bit more appreciation for what he did, when she said she didn't feel the need to thank him, and I agree. Because he does a lot. If this scenario was the other way around and the husband wasn't thanking the wife for doing any of the childcare there'd be uproar and cries of LTB. So many double standards here and as a woman it particularly pisses me off!

slithytove · 11/07/2015 14:12

Ok, whether your normal role is a sahm, right now, you are on the equivalent of maternity leave, which changes things. Plus you are breastfeeding which is an intensive role which can't be shared.

Firstly, have you got any help near you? Family or friends, who might do a bit of cooking, cleaning, or take the older kids out?

Is the eldest in nursery? If not, when will they get their free hours? Could you afford to put the eldest 2 in nursery even for one session a week? This would let you have some time with just the baby, to catch up on sleep, etc.

I would say that routine is key here, and you are such early days, it's hard to see one right now, but it won't take long. Personally, I would suggest you both get up at the same time if the youngest is awake. Sharing breakfast together can be a good way to bond as a family, which is important with a new addition! Then a quick tidy up together, DH watches kids while you get dressed, and you begin your individual days.

I would then force an activity every single day. Summer is starting which means local leisure centres and children's centres will put on activities. It's hard but I found that getting out and letting the toddler(s) burn off energy. Allows you to have a cup of tea and snuggle baby, plus maybe they will nap in buggy or car seat. Also stops house getting messy.

Home, have lunch. Trap kids in high chairs or booster seats while you make food, and if baby won't lie down and watch, then maybe a sling would help? Get them used to staying in their seats while you eat and clean up. After lunch, settle older kids down for nap or telly time, so they get used to this time of day being quieter. Baby will before you know it be napping more regularly too.

Is it possible to contain kids stuff into one place?

Then I would suggest sharing what you can in the evenings. When I was breastfeeding, DH cooked dinner almost every night as I was feeding her all evening. We both just knew that was how it was and it wasn't permanent. Now she is 9 months I have my evenings back, I cook, and the house is tidier. It does get easier.

I would strongly suggest that on a weekend, you each get as big a lie in as you can. E.g. On Saturday, you sleep until 12, with DH doing evyerhting child related and just bringing baby to you for milk as and when. Then he gets the same on Sunday. One decent sleep a week makes such a difference. It's also good for DH to see that coping with 3 doesn't leave much time for cleaning and cooking.

Cleaner if you can afford it.
Online shopping (can do while breastfeeding in the evenings) weekly with top ups where needed but easy to do with kids in tow compared to a big shop.
Depending on how tough you are finding it, home start might be able to help - they can provide volunteers to come and play with kids to give you a break.
Don't be afraid to use the TV at this point. There is no shame in it.
Remember baby will start to understand night from day soon.
Is co sleeping an option?
Could you take over household admin from DH? Just because it's a job which can often be done on a computer and therefore you could do it in that 'wasted' time while cluster feeding.

If you can get any help in the week, even if they only play with and cuddle the kids, take the opportunity to sleep, or batch cook for the freezer etc. If people offer help, don't hesitate to ask them to hoover, or cook a meal, or babysit.

And post here. It's early days and 2 to 3 is a bigger change than 1-2. It sounds like you are both doing what you can, but maybe DH needs more understanding, and I think you need to be given more compassion!

Agree that it's worth reminding yourself how great you are doing, but also how great DH is doing, and to tell him so. You must love each other, so appeal to his understanding of how hard you are finding it. As most new mums do!

Keep posting, you have support here x

slithytove · 11/07/2015 14:14

Oh, and use the good weather! If you can chuck them outside all day, then do so, keep the mess out there!

Otherwise, try and contain the mess to one room. do you have decent storage in your living room to quickly chuck toys into out of sight?

slithytove · 11/07/2015 14:17

Also, I think it's totally unfair to say that op should be grateful to DH for enabling her to be a sahm.

She might be desperate to work.
Staying at home with 3 under 4s is a hard slog.
They might not be able to afford child care for 3 kids - in which case she is definitely enabling DH, not the other way around.
DH might want her to be at home!

And finally, regardless of work, right now she is on maternity leave. Not housework or cooking leave.

Sorry for the mammoth posts op, I hope you come back x

HermioneWeasley · 11/07/2015 14:31

With the ages of your kids, keeping them alive and fed, and the house cholera free is enough.

DW is a SAHM, I work full time. Some days she has the better deal, other days I do. But we appreciate and respect each other

VacantExpression · 11/07/2015 14:41

You are in a fog at the moment OP, like many on here my opinion has changed a lot as you have filled us in on the ages of your children!
We had major building work done when mine were tiny and it was hellish. DH and I made a point of just saying to each other "we will get through this" and aiming only for everyone fed, no one dead. Anything else was a bonus.
A few years on things are much calmer, they will get better. Just hang on in there and TALK to each other. Life is stressful for you both in different ways.

fourtothedozen · 11/07/2015 14:45

I think you are getting off lightly OP. Your OH seems to do a great deal when I was a SAHM I did all that you do plus do all the kids breakfasts and dinner, manage all the family finances and run a small business from home.

treetops99 · 11/07/2015 14:53

Also, I think it's totally unfair to say that op should be grateful to DH for enabling her to be a sahm.

I don't think anyone said that. I certainly didn't. I said the reason she's able to stay at home is because her husband is supporting her to do so by working, just as much as some other PP said that the only reason he's able to work is because she stays home (That's ridiculous. If he didn't work, how would she be able to be at home with the kids?)

She might be desperate to work.

Then maybe she shouldn't have had three kids.

Good god, some of you are painting the husband as some kind of evil git who's made her have a load of kids and now has her chained to the sink expecting his dinner on the table. She's said nothing of the sort! She said he would like a bit more appreciation. And I agree with him. She said in her OP herself that she didn't feel the need to show her appreciation for any of it. How selfish.

answersonapostcardplease · 11/07/2015 14:54

You have three really smal children, two are babies. Hes being a dick.

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