I dont appreciate him

[AppreciationSquad]

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

Not respond, reap!

He must also be mindful that you looking after the children enables him to work

I couldn't disagree more. Him working enables her to be a SAHM and honestly, it sounds like he's doing most of the work anyway! Seriously OP, what do you do all day? And that's not a question I'd just throw about lightly. You say you make the kids' lunch/tea and take them on "social outings". Sounds very much like he's doing all the hard work to me. No wonder he's feeling unappreciated.

The reason he gets up with the children in the morning is that I am often up at night with the kids.

Maybe I should do more...
I just feel as if looking after the children takes up all my time, being referee, sorting their stuff/ bedroom etc.
I disagree that taking them places is a 'jolly' its a bloody nightmare and I only do it because otherwise we'd be sitting at home, the house getting worse and them being bored.
Maybe I just don't understand 'how' I should show appreciation.
Maybe I am a bit entitled and think that I already do enough (I certainly don't feel like I've been swanning around on 'jollies' at the end of the day) I might just need to realise that I've got it relatively easy and thank him?

Whilst you agree with Heck, you must also be mindful of the fact that him working is what enables you to be at home, although I do appreciate that the cost of childcare often exceeds a second income when there are two or more children involved (that was why I had to stop working). It does cut both ways, though isn't totally cut and dried.

• I do agree with... Not you agree with.

But you get up because, he is working the next day?

Why can't you take it turns at getting up? Maybe letting him stay in bed occasionally would help.

Dh and I both work from home. If either one has to travel for work and out all day the other one would always make sure dinner is done etc.

We also don't say 'well I got up more last night, so you must get up early' . We understand that we can both be knackered and take it as it comes. If dh is knackered i would get up. I certainly wouldn't expect him to never get a lay in.

Thanking him would be a start and yes frankly, it does sound like you have it easy. Easier than a lot, at any rate.

I just noticed in your OP that you said he's self employed? What does he do? I bet he has a really long day too, if he's running his own business. How old are the kids?

I agree with him tbh it sounds like hes bearing the brunt of supporting you all and it doesnt sound like you really do that much if the house is a tip. A few trips to the park, albeit boring, hardly compares with dealing with the stress you can get at work when you're up against it with deadlines etc

he provides for us and works hard I have carried, birthed and looked after our children

This is very strange, carrying and giving birth to the children doesn't actually count as a get out clause for pulling your weight in their upbringing!

I'm going to be a bit more frank now. As a single mother who has always worked full time during term time, there is no comparison. The weeks at home as a SAHP have always been a HOLIDAY, compared to working all day then running home to a family life in the evening.

AS to getting up at night, that is part of being a parent, and doesn't excuse you from getting up in the morning!

To be completely blunt, he is funding you being on permanent holiday.

If you find your day stressful and pressurised, do something about it, you are not at anyone elses beck and call, and can do exactly what suits you.

How old are the kids?

Here's an idea - why not teach the children to tidy up after themselves, or help with the housework? I agree that housework is boring, but do a little every day and it doesn't get overwhelming. I think you do need to shop him appreciation (and that works both ways) and why not make him a cup of tea when he comes home? You do sound very entitled.

It sounds like he is doing a lot.

But if you are not getting a full nights sleep, he might need to accept that you aren't going to be running around like crazy getting stuff done all day...

It does sound like your expectations re tidiness and cleanliness might be mismatched too, which would be a problem no matter how busy (or not) you both are. You might both need to compromise and agree a reasonable level of day to day mess/cleanliness.

One other thing that often causes issues is the dinner bed bath routine. He comes home at a busy spell in the day, and he just needs to realise that. When the working partner just accepts that they are coming home to a busy 90 mins for both of you, things are usually easier. If he thinks that busy spell could have been avoided by you doing more during the day, or that he should get a chance to rest after work, he is mistaken and undue resentment will build. It's just part and parcel of having children, for both of you.

I'm trying to remain neutral so I'm sorry if I seem defensive.
If I have a spare minute I'll do what I can e.g. load dishwasher, hoover round, put laundry away.
Maybe I spend too much time with the children and put them first too much. Do others shut their children in a room with a stairgate whilst they do housework? Im worried I cant see/ hear them if im hovering etc
Im bf our youngest too and he cluster feeds on demand- he takes up a lot of my time so I feel I cant have a routine or timetable as such as it's dictated by ds. Its hard to put him down which is why I go for walks etc

Your children sound as though they're quite young then. It's fine to put them in a playpen/highchair/buggy whilst you hoover/tidy, it won't damage them.

I am in exactly the same situation as you, sahm and dh self employed. He works massively long hours and the one thing I wouldn't do is have him cook when he gets in. Can you not bung some stuff in a slow cooker at lunchtime? I know from 4pm - bedtime in my house is non stop with dinners, baths, stories, bedtime.

I found the "carried and gave birth" remark odd too.

Of course you did. Of course it was painful and brutal, but it is no get-out-of-jail-free card.I'm afraid the relentless drudgery of looking after children really begins once they are born. Throughout the baby and toddler years both parents are really in the thick of it.

I am still slightly on your DP's side at the moment.

How old is your youngest? Because if he/she is only a few weeks or months then that explains a lot.

Yeah, I find the "I carried and gave birth to his children" remark rather offensive. They're her children too, and he's working his nuts off so that she can stay at home, yet still having to do the lion's share of the work by the sound of it.

I don't think you're being entitled. I think you sound exhausted ... And maybe a bit depressed too.

And I'm sorry, I didn't mean "defensive" in a nasty way, I literally mean I think you're feeling under attack and behaving that way, and it's understandable but it shapes the way you respond and can make it into more of a quarrel. Looking at why can sometimes help.

It really shouldn't be a competition as to who is the most busy, because you'll both feel bitter, no matter who would actually be "right" in front of a judge and jury.

Ways to show appreciation:

• If you can, start say overtly "thank you". "Thanks for making that, lovely". "Thanks for doing that, I'm exhausted". Try and mean it, over and over again. Be affectionate. Notice each other more. Only do this when you mean it, but make it a habit and it might help you both feel better. If you're passive aggressive about it (and you'll know if you're constantly saying it through gritted teeth while thinking the opposite) it'll be worse.

• Start small on cleaning ("I'll work at keeping the hallway clear at least, the rest is a battleground from the kids")

• Try and think of him as a teammate, not a would-be "Lord and master". I'd bet he didn't mean it like that. At work you'd always be nice to co workers even if you didn't totally feel like it. There's an element of this here too.

• In turn, if you want to be thanked, tell him. Be really honest about your needs. Say you bought those DVDs and that for you at that time under exhaustion it was a huge effort. Tell him you hate the bloody park and will strangle yourself if you have to feed the ducks one more time, and that to you that's your version of a long boring meeting. Tell him how difficult your day is. Tell him you don't know what to do to be "more appreciative" and that it hurts to feel he doesn't recognise your efforts too. Make it clear how difficult you're finding things if you have a tendency to bottle it all up.

Accept that sometimes everyone can be an arse, but if it's all the time or he's ever abusive that's different.

Your kids will echo this behaviour in the long run so it's worth tackling it now.

again. I hope it gets easier and you feel better soon.

I also think you have it pretty cushty.

If you're still at the stage of cluster feeding then yes at this stage he is going to need to pick up most of the slack, housework and admin wise. It really all depends how old the baby is as to who is being unreasonable here imo.

If your baby is under 6 months, I'd say life's just at that difficult stage and he needs to suck it up. If over 6 months, you perhaps need to review how things are getting done.

Gosh if you've got a BF baby cluster feeding, then you can't be expected to get much done during the day!

Exactly, AndDeepBreath

Ignore the pps who are having a go, OP. They aren't trying to be helpful (this is AIBU, after all). You do sound exhausted, so you are bound to feel/sound resentful and defensive.

You just need to find that little thing that you can change, like a quick "thank you". If your DH is in the same boat as you he will quickly reciprocate.

But I do still think that you will need to talk it through at some point. When you do, be prepared, both of you will probably get a bit shouty. That is normal when you feel you are being criticised, you just have to take a deep breath... again if your DH is in the place as you are, he will realise and reciprocate.

And before I get drowned out with the "why should OP be the one to do all of that?" the answer is, because she is the one posting here. If it were her DH I'd be telling him to do the same... take the first step and start making changes.

Seriously as well ... PND can affect things horribly. Not saying you have that, but you sound really down, and that can be normal (especially with a tiny exhausting baby and toddler) or can be something more physical too which would make things like cleaning and relationships harder.

And actually, well done on "birthing and carrying the children". It doesn't give you a get-out-of-jail free card as it's all go from thereon, but it's a huge physical effort and you might still be recovering from that too. Be proud of yourself for that

I also think you maybe need to think about how difficult it can be to be the one with sole financial responsibilty for the family. Especially when self employed. Not saying your life is easy, but knowing all financial responsibilty for your family is on you can be draining.