I dont appreciate him

[AppreciationSquad]

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

OP you were given such a tough time on this thread... Until you revealed the ages of your kids!
I think you and your dh are doing really, really well considering your circumstances and that at this stage its just a case of working together and getting on with things, to get the minimum done so basic meals, batch cooking and freezing when either of you get a chance. With regards to cleaning, doing whatever bits you can do during the day, while having the two older ones in the high chair with play doh for example or some toy and the youngest napping or if awake, in a basket/bouncer/swing/sling. Even if you dont enjoy cleaning (I never have!) just push yourself to do the minimum so as to avoid build ups of mess!

As the kids get a bit older, a routine of some sort will emerge, until then don't beat yourself or each other up about it, just remember to appreciate each other, because it is tough on you both.

Hope you're feeling better about it all and that other posters didn't knock you down too much

atenco but all men do? I am not saying some don't. However it's an odd comparison. Many countries do it differently.

The OPs husband is self employed. So the only pay leave he can take is unpaid. I am sure I he could afford to take 40 days off he would have.

OP I am glad you have a chat. It really does get eaiser. You just need to try and work together. Not always easy with young children. Neither of you are having an easy time. Just keep repeating 'it does get eaiser'.

Will you oldest get the 15 hours of childcare soon? That will help and it will take some pressure off. When the baby is a bit older and can go longer between feeds it will be much eaiser.

Glad to see the update App hope things keep getting better for you both. And once again, congrats!

Op I'm sure you're not looking for a medal BUT having a 7 week old, 18 month old and 3 year old is totally different to having just having a couple of two or three year old. When your youngest is two, the likelihood is you will have more respite due to older kids being at school, unbroken sleep, not having a baby glued to you,

Having pre-schoolers is really hard especially if you have a BF baby.

Realistically it is a 24 hours job for both parents. Unfortunately for these early years there is no "off duty" time you just both have to muck in and do what needs doing when it needs doing. Maybe lower expectations about tidiness. Do one weekly clean at the weekend and then just keep things ticking over during the week.

I totally agree that if at the end of the day everyone is fed, nobody's dead and the kids are finally in bed then you are a successful parent of young kids!!

It does seem like he is doing more than his fair share... To work a full time job, do the gardening and also have dinner ready on the table. You need to have the discussion of what you both expect xx

Honestly I think lots of the advice is good here, especially communicating. Acknowledging that you are thankful to each other goes a long way.

Tbh I disagree with pp who say that being at home is massively easier than being at work. I honestly find work easier. I have a very busy, stressful and sometimes emotionally draining job but it's still easier for me than being at home with my kids when they are playing up/wonr nap/won't eat/want to be held constantly/are beating each other up over some toy.

At work no one follows me to the loo and I can eat my lunch, albeit in 10 minutes, in total silence without having to cajole anyone else. Bliss.

Wow and you have a 7 week old! Definitely not BU

You're at the hardest bit right now

If you're up all night with the baby (and the 18 month old too?) don't offer to get up earlier - hang on to that bit of sleep you get while your DH gives the kids breakfast. I remember well that the sleep you get when you're not half expecting to be disturbed is the best bit of sleep you get all night.

Since you're both reading the thread - be gentle with each other. Being at home with little babies is so so hard. And how can you do much housework when most of the time your arms are full? A smile and a hug at the end of the day is solve though, as is trusting the other person when they tell you they're exhausted. For the DH though - don't underestimate how lucky you at to get a full night's sleep most nights.

And lol at swanning off to the park. I swan off to the hairdressers. The park is hard work!

I had 3 in 3.5 years. Don't remember much about the first year other than it being so hard. I remember phoning DH and begging him to come home from work and help me. Especially hard if more than one of them gets poorl;y at the same time. However, I never cooked twice in a day so what we had at teatime,DH heated up a plateful when he got home. He helped at nights if I was desperate or if the older 2 woke up. We just accepted that we would both be pretty exchausted that first year. My encouragement would be to try and keep some sort of a routine, including what time you get up in the morning, and you will find that providing you don't have any more, things will get easier by the month. It is really lovely longer term to have kids close together but the first few months are just pandemonium. As for housework....just the bare essentials when you get 5 minutes. I had a whole cupboard in the kitchen full of plastic pots/lids/cups etc and the kids would sit on the floor emptying and playing with all the stuff.Add a wooden spoon to use as a drumstick and they were happy whilst I cleared up/cooked etc.
Good luck. Sounds like you are both doing a great job but your husband needs to lower his expectations slightly. I went back to work just one day a week after a year and DH did the childcare that day. That was great as he realised that being at work was a walk in the park compared to being at home with 3 little ones(and we had one at school by then!)