I dont appreciate him

[AppreciationSquad]

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

The op dh isn't a selfish dick, nor is the OP.

What thy both are is exhausted. Both of them. Sounds like the dh is doing what he can whilst working. Op sounds like she is doing what she can. Although later posts sound different to the OP.

Why people think it's ok to call either of them is beyond me. She enables him to go to work, he enables her to have a roof over their head and food on the table. It's meant to be a partnership, not a civil war

TBH OP I think you have bitten off more than you can chew atm.

You have 3 very young kids- one almost a newborn, you have chosen this time to have building work done in your house, with some kitchen facilities out of use, and all the disruption that building work and a newborn causes.
I am sure you are doing what you can recovering from birth, OH possibly feels overwhelmed trying to bring in the bacon, business stress, feeling a huge financial responsibility for 5 people.

I think if all was idyllic given these circumstances you would be living in a fairy tale.
You have my sympathies, but only to some extent. You have chosen these circumstances.

I think mnhq's repsonse says it all. And for what it's worth, op checks out as not being a liar. Shame they had to check though. It might be Aibu, but that doesn't prevent posters from needing and receiving support.

Op, I hope you come back.

Well said slithy.

It's a bit annoying when threads are derailed by one goady person because it doesn't do any good - worst case scenario with any troll thread is that it's only the readers and participants who get something out of it - people who wouldn't necessarily ask the question themselves but identifying with it. Best case (in this scenario) is that a shattered mum gets some support and feedback. Either way, it's a win.

It also doesn't really matter what the financial setup is for the OP, or who wanted kids or whatever. Relationships are about communication, and we all need a reminder every so often not to take them for granted.

OP, I'd love to one day know what it's like to have a huge family - for now I can only daydream, but I can imagine it's bloody hard relentless work. Hope by the time you've returned to this thread you've had a nice day out and you feel better.

Treetops. OP isn't 'swanning' around to the park, she's entertaining the children and enabling the little ones to have excersise/fresh air/socialise/an important change of scenery at little cost and on broken sleep/constant breast feeding. I think it's amazing and admirable that she's actually made it out the front door in one piece. And if OP happens to grab food shopping for tea later, she's performing miracles! Cooking tea and cleaning can be next to impossible when there's a teary baby needing holding and two small children needing constant attention.

Have you actually any experience of caring for new babys and toddlers 24/7 treetops?

Afternoon all,

Just wanted to remind a certain poster everyone that troll hunting is in breach of our Talk Guidelines.

If anyone is concerned something doesn't add up, just report it to us so we can check things out behind the scenes.

OP, we hope you, your DH and your three very young DCs are having a good weekend.

Treetops does not have children or even experience of looking after 3 very young children 24/7.

"My husband keeps asking what I do all day. So today I didn't do it."

"How hard can it be to run a mop round a floor?"

But Garlick - sounds like that first pic IS what the OP's DH comes home to!

No Left- he comes home to 2 toddlers, not school age children, and a newborn baby who if he /she is in any way typical is permanently clamped to the breast.

treetops "she's able to stay at home and swan around to the park with her kids"

Well, you've clearly never looked after 3 small children under the age of 4, that's for certain.

Garlick The first picture looks like my house. I have 4 from 13 to 2 so 3 at school. The second picture is partly why.

Op you are amazing.

You both sound like nice caring people who are in the most difficult life stage you've faced.

If you greet each other with a grimace and a moan then proceed to compete over who had the hardest day then you'll be unhappy even if the competition is only in your head

Try the 5 languages of love test It sounds like you show love through gifts, eg buying a chocolate twist, buying the DVDs. Whereas he needs love shown through words, he needs to hear thank you.

Gifts and service are not my language. DH doing them is nice but I don't see it as an expression of love. I needs words and touch above all else. He could buy me thoughtful gifts every day and I'd still feel unloved if he didn't wrap his arms round me and say thank you and I love you.

Just read all the OP's posts and a lot of the others, I was totally flabbergasted by the difference in mental image that happened when she mentioned the ages of her children.

The tradition in Mexico is for the mother of a newborn to be looked after for 40 days after the baby is born, the OP has not even reached that.

It does sound like you have a good husband OP but you must both be exhausted. Could you possibly afford to hire a cleaner at least for a few weeks?

OP is doing well. So is her DH.

Treetops is showing ignorance of the effect looking after three such.young children has.

I don't even have my own DC, answers, but I recognise what you say

atenco baby is 7 weeks which is over 40 days.

I am also sure in Mexico after the 40 days the dhs don't get up with the kids every morning and cook dinner as well as work. So why compare the 2?

I haven't managed to read all responses and wasn't trying to dripfeed. I didn't mention the newborn as I didn't want people to think I was doing the martyr thing. Having 3 under 3 was our choice and im not looking fir a medal. I assumed you would understand I'm at home with pre schoolers as I said I didn't get a spare minute.

Thankyou to those of you who gave practical advice. My dp is not a dick and will always do his bit at home. He is the main breadwinner and finds it stressful. I suppose you'll think I'm dripping again when I say he runs his own business so he is very busy. I just thought appreciation came as granted as respect, love. His work is quite mundane so I suppose I feel like I know what he'll say when I ask how his day was, I don't tell him about my day much either as its pretty much the same, sick, poo, tantrum etc

The upside to all of this is that I've sent him a link to this thread and we've spent the last 15 minutes taking it in turns to read some of the funnier responses aloud to one another which has helped us realise that both of us do our bit.

Love the cleaner suggestions!! I wish, they would have to spend an hour picking toys, clothes and other horrors from the floor before being able to reach it to hoover, ditto the sides and beds.

Love that some of you think I'm a troll, what a shit aibu to troll about. I'd have at least created something which warranted a ltb!

Just get through it. You're both knackered and have no one to nag at but each other. You must have been through this once already, as two under two is no joke either. If you hadn't have had a third, things would just be getting easier, but now it's just intensified. Have a short memory. Remember you're both in the same exhaustion drunk place. Children thrive, parents survive. You will get through this and it gets easier.
Just read your last post and it made me smile

Keep on keeping on App x

I'm laughing at the thought that getting your kids up, giving them breakfast, going to work, coming home and cooking dinner then putting them to bed is some kind of mega fear that he deserves a medal for.
Isn't that what working mums do every single day? Even the ones with partners tend to do most of the grunt work.

He's being massively unreasonable given the ages of the children. Next weekend can you fuck off all day and leave him to manage? Sadly you can't leave the baby so it won't be truly representative but might give him a flavour of how your day goes.

Good update, OP :) Hello, Mr App!

I think you both do a lot.

Its hard being self employed. But its also bloody hard work in the early days of having children. Babies can be very demanding, especially when bf. And my god older toddlers and preschools are demanding. My DM had our just turned 3 yr old for a whole weekend last month and it was bliss with just DD (a very easy 4month old, at the time) for DH and I to look after. We both felt much better and a heck of a lot less stressed and tired for just that one weekend of no preschooler at home.

With regards to practicalities of actually managing housework, looking after the children, bf and playing - I think that picture earlier summed it up, with the triangle that said pick two out of, happy kids, clean house and your sanity.

I get basic amounts of housework done but yes I have to leave the DC playing - and yes that is sometimes disastrous - usually when the 3yr old goes quiet, I know he's doing something he shouldn't. Bar very basic housework I just look after the DC and play - on the whole I prioritise them. So my house is no show home.

I think you both need to appreciate each other more. There's no point trying to argue who's got the harder life because the simple fact is your both tired, worn out and have very long days. Try and make sure you get at least a little bit of down time together in an evening before bed - it helps you both unwind and should help you feel a little less frazzled.

Also that languages of love thing linked to further up thread isn't just a silly gimmicky thing - its definitely worth looking at. I think you maybe both express and want love shown in slightly different ways and understanding that could probably help you both.

atenco baby is 7 weeks which is over 40 days

My maths is a bit off, ain't it, but the principle is the same. And as for men not helping their wives in Mexico, we have the same percentage of lovely men in Mexico as anywhere in the world.