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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I dont appreciate him

187 replies

AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 10:30

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 11/07/2015 12:04

Hearts, I think there was a tiny bit of (unintentional) drip feeding. No way would I have said to a mum of a 7 week old to try and keep a special bit of the house clean, or make cups of tea, as you might be able to with two four year olds. Instead I'd have said have as many cuddles as possible and try to get through these early days as best as possible!

I do however stand by open forms of communication as it can make a big difference, including things that start off tokenistic. My childhood was pretty abusive and I never heard my parents saying "thanks" or loving things.

My DH's family do it all the time, so at first it was a bit of hard work for me, and now it's natural and makes me feel extra grateful and loved. That's all I really meant!

ifgrandmahadawilly · 11/07/2015 12:04

TBH, it sounds as if he does do an awful lot. Fairplay working full time and helping with the house work but you say he is solely responsible for all admin, gardening and finances, he makes the children breakfast and sometimes dinner and helps with bedtime?! Shock

Plus you say that you don't do much housework.

That is a lot to expect from someone. Sorry to be blunt but it does have me wondering what exactly YOU do all day?

wafflyversatile · 11/07/2015 12:05

she's looking after a 7 week old and two toddlers.

Original poster
AppreciationSquad · 11/07/2015 12:08

Im not trying to drip feed, I assumed that people would know they were toddlers- if they were school age id have from 9-3 to do housework!!

got to go out now, will reply later

OP posts:
Smooshface · 11/07/2015 12:08

Hope you can see the pic. This is pretty much how it goes for me. I'm currently tidying the house while the family are out, as I find it difficult to do when they are here, mainly because the moment I start tidying they either want something or want to play with what I'm trying to tidy!

I would consider hiring a cleaner if you can afford it and he needs a tidy house. I don't know how you can build more into your day if you don't already do that. I'm not sure we can justify it, so house is always a mess :( I need to pull my finger out, but I find childcare and managing emotions just exhausting.

I dont appreciate him
derxa · 11/07/2015 12:08

if he feels unappreciated would it kill you to make the man you love a cup of tea when he gets home?
This is a family joke in our house e.g. 'If you loved me you'd make me a cup of tea' There's nothing that soothes my DH more. That and a debrief on the stresses of the day. I am old and well past the young children stage so maybe I've forgotten how stressful it was.
Daily life is often made up of repetitive boring tasks. I think there is mismatch between this and family life as portrayed on TV adverts/Hello magazine articles on slebs. I think we buy into this ideal subconsciously.
FGS Make the man a cup of tea and put him first for ten minutes and he will do the same for you.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 11/07/2015 12:09

This is the sort of thread that makes me wonder....do men actually WANT children? Or did they just go along with the wife?

Littleorangecat · 11/07/2015 12:09

I've been both a SAHM and working full time. I think your husband is doing quite a bit at home which is helpful to the household in addition to his job.
It is stressful being self employed, like you say he is responsible for bringing all the income in which is a burden. Personally I'm far more tired working full time due to pressure, deadlines, clients demands, commuting and non stop concentration compared to being at home all day. I do appreciate being a SAHM isn't exactly a piece of cake but comparing both situations I think YABU.
Would it be too hard just to have a quick 10 mins tidy & boil the kettle before he comes in??

Smooshface · 11/07/2015 12:10

Oh god, a 7 week old! I did nothing when my toddler was that little, even with eldest at school. I was breastfeeding so I was stuck on the couch all day, I do not know how anyone has small children with a baby. Kudos to you, nuts to him (a little bit). This time will pass, it will get easier, just concentrate on "all fed, nobody dead". Get a slow cooker for dinners that you can prepare during the day, and get a cleaner or someone to hold baby while you do a bit of cleaning during the day if that is important.

treetops99 · 11/07/2015 12:10

Nicki, you must lead a terriby sheltered life to consider "having a different opinion" the same as "being unpleasant". Do you not understand the difference?

This is a huge drip feed. It started off with the OP asking if she was being unreasonable to spend all her time with her children and taking them out for social jollies because she doesn't "enjoy" housework while her husband goes out to work, gets the kids up, and makes dinner for her when he gets home. Then when the responses rolled in saying she was being massively unreasonable and entitled, she changed her story to three tiny children, cluster feeding, being exhausted and not having time. I'm not buying it, sorry.

Topseyt · 11/07/2015 12:11

OK, now that you have finally stated the ages of your children, as you were asked earlier in the thread, it does shed a somewhat different light on things.

He is still doing a fair bit, to be fair to him. For now, whilst you are caring for such a young baby, he needs to keep doing that.

He also needs to stop harping on about an untidy house. It is just life, at the moment.

Both of you are bound to be exhausted. You need to appreciate that he does actually work hard for all of you, and he needs to stop accusing you of going on jollies all the time.

Easy to say from the outside looking in, and many of us have been there to some degree or another.

I recall being insanely jealous of my DH each time he returned to work after his permitted fortnight of paternity leave. I would have given anything to have swapped lives with him at that relentless newborn stage and could easily spend a day in floods of tears.

You both need some discussion and to appreciate each other though. That much still stands.

LazyLouLou · 11/07/2015 12:15

Hearts because OPs DH does parent stuff when he is home. The context of the cup of tea remark wasn't 'get thee to the kitchen, wench'.

He doesn't appear to he a 1950s throwback. They seem to be overwhelmed and struggling to appreciate each other, at the moment.

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 12:16

Omg I've just read that you have a 3 year old, an 18 month old and baby! You have your hands completely and utterly full!! I'm surprised he gets a lay in to be honest. You need it more.

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 12:17

I assumed you had a preschooler only

wafflyversatile · 11/07/2015 12:17

He doesn't get a lie in. He gets up during the week and they both get up at the weekend.

LazyLouLou · 11/07/2015 12:18

Which is why he gets the kids up for breakfast, maybe??

Heck5897 · 11/07/2015 12:18

What does your DH do? Is it a properly stressful job like working in A&E or teaching in an inner city school?

Teabagbeforemilk · 11/07/2015 12:20

You are drip feeding. You were asked several times how old the kids were.

No one said get up everyday, but maybe let him sleep in occasionally. Try and be considerate of each other.

MrsDe · 11/07/2015 12:20

I work full time, long hours and it's stressful. I'm currently the only earner and my DH is a stay at home dad. I admit I expect a lot from him in terms of cooking, cleaning, school runs, homework etc.

I do pull my weight in the evenings and weekends but as both kids are now in school he gets some down time during the day. I don't get that at all.

We make sure we are kind to each other and give each other some time off during the weeeknds, but it's tough. I feel hard done by, he feels hard done by, but we talk about it and try and work it out.

Just wanted to put another perspective on it. I feel a lot of pressure to be good at my job so I can bring the money in. In my profession that means long hours and a stressful environment. I get peeved if I come home to no dinner and a messy house! I don't necessarily tell him that though!

NickiFury · 11/07/2015 12:21

It's not a huge drip feed at all. As OP says she assumed posters would realise. I didn't but personally don't think it's a massive big deal because I can see that someone fogged up and consumed by caring for three under fours might let not realise she had to point that out so clearly. I guess it just all depends on how you think doesn't it?

ifgrandmahadawilly · 11/07/2015 12:21

Oh, sorry. I didn't read the entire thread before I posted and have now realised that you have a 7week old, an 18 month old and a 3 year old.

Ignore my previous post. Blush You are clearly both very busy atm.

AndDeepBreath · 11/07/2015 12:23

I agree Nicki - which is why I said "unintentional dripfeed", as in, details have come out over time. Actually am quite impressed OP is able to write coherently at all after months/years of probable no sleep! I'm pretty sleepy today and I've done sod all...

StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast · 11/07/2015 12:27

I might have agreed you were being a bit U right up until I read how old your children are! Cripes.

Yes you both need to show appreciation etc.; but right now the major effort has to be towards "everyone fed, no-one dead" - he needs to tough it out a while longer, and you need to remind him that it won't always be like this.

Would it help to make some plans together for what you can do to manage things once this immediate phase is over?

Chewbecca · 11/07/2015 12:28

If your 3 children were at school, he might have a point.

But the ages they are, he is being totally unreasonable.

It will get better as they get older. Tougher in some ways but you will have more time to get back on top of things.

Personally with those age children, I think it's great you are getting up and out and doing stuff, I'd be in my PJs most of the time I think.

Athenaviolet · 11/07/2015 12:31

3 under 4 inc a 7wk old!

You should have put that in your OP!!!

That's insanely hard!

Has he ever had sole charge of the 3 of them?

Seriously go out for 2 hours this weekend and see if he's got dinner ready for you!!

If the baby is only 7 weeks have you had sex again yet? Is this part of what he's unhappy with?

He's such an ungrateful . He chose to have 3 so close together. If he wanted a tidy house & dinner on the table he should have kept it in his pants!

Compare the scenarios if one of you dropped. Your life wouldn't really change that much. His would turn upside down. He'd have to quit work and actually learn how to parent.

He needs you much more than you need him right now. Remind him of that next time he comes out with this shit.

Men like that are why the divorce rate is so high.