I dont appreciate him

[AppreciationSquad]

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

I'll try and make an effort to show that I appreciate him more then- I'll get up every morning and let him have the extra hour. (on weekends we both get up)
My children are 3, 18mo and 7 weeks.
I think I might be feeling a bit entitled as I feel I've had a hard time being pretty much pregnant and bf for the last few years. I may have taken too literally the "Parenting is a full time job" thing.
I think I would find it easier to go to work as I only have myself and job to worry about and a able to do things (like have a poo) when I like. I might be slightly resentful of him for having that level of 'freedom'

For crying out loud! He's being a whiny, moany doughnut. You've a toddler and a new born cluster feeding as well as your other child and he's bleating about not getting enough attention? My opinion is reversed. You're doing GREAT even just getting out the freaking house!

Drip, drip, drip.

Take it from someone who was in your privileged position once (although I did work part-time) - appreciate what he does around the house and with the children. I didn't and now bitterly regret it because I am now a lone parent. I now have to do everything that I did before and what he did as well as going to work. If I had my time again I would've spent a couple of days a week staying in and catching up on house stuff rather than going out each day.

Or are you feeling a bit bad because you were so unpleasant Treetops? Usually the case in those that moan about drip feeding IMO

our children, I said our children

I accept iabu and will take steps to change. As I said I may be feeling resentful to dp a bit as he is able to dictate his own life outside the home- he has also been able to have a social life the last 3 years as Ive been pregnant and bf (our choice, I know)

I don't feel I take it out on him but maybe he does too much on top of what he's already doing.
The problem is that to enable me to do something like cook a meal for us (one which includes stages and peeling rather than bunging in oven/ pan) he would need to look after the children/ hold the baby. I just don't know how other parents do it all- maybe I need to just let them get on with it sometimes, sort the house and deal with the aftermath of whatever they've done when my back is turned- I just don't know HOW else to manage it- advice please, suggestions?

Yabu...and sahm is not s 'job' it's s lifestyle choice. I'd be peed off coming home from work to a bomb site.

You should have said the ages of your children at the beginning of the thread. Your dh thinks you go out on jollies? Does he ever look after them all at once on his own to see how hard you work? I bet he's never done it.

Bloody hell- you have a 7-week-old breast-fed newborn and two toddlers, your house is a building site, and your husband is complaining about not coming home to a show-home with dinner on the table ?

Fuck that.

Life is difficult for both of you. He works hard, you work hard. Parenting a baby and toddlers is a full-time job in itself. He might have grounds to complain if you were a SAHP to school-age children and had all day to cook and clean, but a newborn baby needs you. Your other children aren't old enough to safely amuse themselves for hours on end while you dust lampshades.

Both you and your husband are exhausted- between you, you need to be a team.

You'd have had a very different response from the start if you'd stared the age of your DC in the OP.

He's a knob to think you can get much done with those ages of DC.

Well yes, 7 weeks old changes things a bit - you're bound to be tied up with the baby. Congratulations by the way! Aside from how tired you must be, that must be lovely.

I'd keep the former "be nice and say thank you" tips just to try and help with your relationship, but perhaps spelling out more than ever how sodding exhausted you must be, and how life has changed from the old days. How it's going to be a long time till you'll be able to keep things clean. How that's just life and it's unreasonable to ask for more without help.

Also, I hate to say this but please be careful not to go martyr-like. Again, easily done and it feels good at first - but it won't help you in the long run. If you need that extra hour in bed, and it sounds like you do, don't give it up in a huff and feel more sorry for yourself - spell it out to him that this is just life for a while.

If he's consistently ignoring how knackered you are, I'm not sure how else to push it through to him. Others might. Maybe some kind of role-reversal for a bit? Ask him (not in a spiteful way) to take sole charge of them for a day. Well, maybe when your baby's ready anyway!

Congrats again though, these are such early days and I hope you're getting some enjoyment/bonding time together

You are NOT being unreasonable given the ages of your children and you should not be changing anything.

You say that when he gets in, you're "in the middle of your working day" - yes, but so is he because he does dinner/bedtime too. He probably just wants a hug and a "welcome home". Perhaps a cup of tea would be nice too. Because he must just feel he's clocked onto his 2nd job!

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to look after your marriage, not just your children.

Conniedecending- yes, that'll be why professional childcare staff in nurseries spend their days doing deep-cleans, cooking from scratch, and making themselves look attractive for pick-up time, and then looking after children for free in their spare time. Oh no wait, they don't - they spend their time DOING THEIR JOB of caring for babies and children, playing with them educating them, feeding them, cleaning them, doing nappy changes, taking them outside , leaving dedicated staff members to cook or clean without needing to care for the children at the same time.

No way would I leave a 3yo and 18mo with a 7 wo in order to do housework. And definitely not to prep and cook a proper meal which needs attention. I'd give him the kids and do dinner myself though - but if you're bf the baby at that time then it makes sense for him to do dinner. How often does he show you appreciation for looking after the children?

Not sure what I think but a few points.

Different people show love/appreciation in different ways. The obvious one being buying flowers. but for others it's words for others it's giving a massage. And different people want to feel loved/appreciated in different ways too.

Does he show appreciation for you? If he's so keen on showing appreciation.

The pressure of being self-employed breadwinner is stressful and tiring, as said. But that doesn't mean you don't have stresses. Keeping your children from needing A&E for starters.

It does sound like he does a decent amount around the house, but it's hard to tell how evenly responsibilities are split. Before kids were either or both of you very tidy or untidy? Different people have different tolerances on this front.

How many children do you have and how old?

People generally find it easier to see and feel their own contributions and not see others.

Ideally you should both have the same amount of leisure time.

Get a notepad and split into two columns for you and him and 24 hours, 3 pages for a typical weekday and typical Saturday and Sunday.

Each hour write down which each of you is doing.

                      him               you

midnight - 1am in bed in bed
1am-2am in bed BF baby
7am-8am seeing to kids in bed
8am -9am commuting childcare
9am-noon work childcare bit of housework
noon - 1pm lunch make lunch for kids
1pm -5pm work childcare
and so on

This should help you get a clearer picture of how evenly distributed chores are.

having read the whole thread before replying, i think i can see both sides of the story.

He is being an arse to be bitching about feeling unappreciated right now, but i imagine that while you're up with the kids in the night, the disturbances are probably affecting him as well, which on top of a full days work is making him grumpy!

Equally, i know from my own DH that after a full days work, he liked coming into a tidy house, because otherwise he really felt like i was leaving it all for him to do, and he didnt feel like he was getting so much as 10 minutes just to get in and relax before having to tidy up, do housework, cook dinner....etc

I think you need to have a chat, he needs a toe up his arse, you're BFing a 7wk old while toddler wrangling two other kids! You don't live in a show home and he needs to understand that.

However, on your side, is it possible for you to judge when he'll be home and just do a surface tidy? Get the two older ones to help, make a game of it or something.. you know, make sure the toys are put away, and clothes lying around are at least neatly folded somewhere, rather than being strewn around and that all the washing up is either waiting to be washed (if not washed) or in the dishwasher (if you have one)

I can do a quick 'dh is coming home' blitz in about 10-15 mins, depending on how messy we are to start with!

I think you are both going through teally difficult times. Small babies and toddlers are exhausting and the work is relentless.

Running a business is a massive responsibility. Having everyone relying on you is hard.

You think leaving the house to go to work is easier, in some ways it probably is, he thinks staying at home is easier, in some ways it probably is.

Bith of you need to acknowledge you are both going through a tough time and be gentle with and appreciative of each other.

Maybe start looking forwards to the times when things get easier that is when the baby is bigger, there are fewer nighttime wakings, the building work is finished. Then you can maybe offer more support to the business and he can get more time to soend with the kids. Or you could get a PT job and benefit from some time out of the home.

OH MY GOD.

Some of the responses on this thread!!!!! Mumsnet is so odd. Post this thread in any other topic and you would get completely different responses.

Tell your husband to fuck off back to the 1950's where he came from. Greeting him with cups of tea??? Did I read that correctly? And you still breastfeeding? And sleep deprived? And him moaning about the state of the house? FUCK THAT.

I'll say it again. Fuck that. He gets to escape every day and go and sit in a nice office and have grownup conversations and decide on his own terms when he does everything from peeing to eating lunch to stretching his legs.

For some people (especially me) staying home with the kids is WAY harder than going to work. WAY harder. He should be bringing you fucking cups of tea when he gets home.

Ignore all the posters saying you have it cushy or are not doing enough OP. I do not know where they all came from. Certainly alien to my way of thinking.

I was going to say YABU. My DP is a SAHD, I feel Ike I do a lot, but your DH does more.

However you have 3 very young children. You will both be working hard and in survival mode! Be kind to each other, show appreciation when you remember, that's it!

Forgot to address the cup of tea thing.

Your husband is perhaps sleep deprived and stressed and maybe went a little crazy. He can have tea in a year.

YANBU though. You are tired and the addition of having building work done seems to have started to bury you both.

Please don't martyr yourself into getting up early and doing the breakfast. That will only make you feel more resentful. That really won't help either of you cope.

Actually, you having typed that shows just how ground down you must be feeling.

I am repeating myself, yet again. But do sit down and discuss it with him: how long the building work will take, how much extra stress that adds for the kids, how you can both negotiate coping for the remaining time for the building work. Then do it all over again once the builders have gone and you have had chance to enjoy the changes.

Erm, Hearts you must have the wrong thread!

Yes, 3 such young children is a lot of work for both parents and you can't really get away from that until they get older. You're probably both sleep deprived and he doesn't really understand what your day is like.

Lazylou why?