I dont appreciate him

[AppreciationSquad]

Have nc for this- may be long...

My partner and I were having a discussion last night, I am a SAHM and he is self employed.

He feels as if he has lots more responsibility than I do, his job is much harder and my job is less challenging as there are no constraints e.g. deadlines.

He works, pays all the bills and manages anything financial or admin related. He also mows the lawns etc.
He gives the children breakfast every morning, often cooks a dinner and we do bedtime together.

I am responsible for the children. I look after them in the daytime and get up for them in the night if needed. I do all the clothes washing and general clutter clearing around the house. I do the food shopping and will cook dinner and lunch for the children. I take them on social visits and day trips.
I clean and tidy as and when I can.

He feels that I don't appreciate all he does, the hours he puts in and how hard the responsibility of having to keep everyone afloat is. He gets pissed off that he walks in and the house is a mess and I'm stressed. Basically he thinks I should do more, and try harder and greet him with smiles and cups of tea asking how his day was- I say fuck that! Im still in the middle of my working day, kids still up and yes, the house is a bomb.

Ill admit I don't enjoy housework and believe my children come first so I will leave housework to sort the kids- I do the bits I can. if it gets done, it gets done.

We are having building work on our house so many of our utilities do not work (due to be replaced) and access around our house is limited e.g. we have no back door which I feel makes our life harder.

He feels I should show my appreciation for him, I think it's akin to love and respect- you don't need to prove it, its just there.

Who IBU?

And you did all that 7 weeks post partum with 2 toddlers to care for did you four?

Way to make the op feel like shit. She has a newborn.

No, tree you can still have children and want to work. The baby is a newborn ffs! Presumably they both wanted them and that comes with sacrifice and compromise in both sides. And I've not said a bad thing about the husband, so get off your pedestal.

There is NOTHING to say that DH is enabling her to be a sahm. At all. Are you so dim you cant realise that as a family they might not be able to have two in work? That they might have chosen as a couple to let him follow his career dream at this time? It sounds like with 3 children she might HAVE to stay at home. And if DH wouldnt want that role, then she is most certainly enabling him. Stop running the op down.

Way to make the op feel like shit. She has a newborn.

Which she conveniently left out of her OP and dripfed. Suddenly, she had three very young kids. If that was the issue, wouldn't she have said so originally? In her OP, she said nothing about having a newborn. She said she preferred to spend her time with the kids and take them out because they got bored (how bored does a 7-week old baby get exactly?) and "didn't enjoy housework and if it gets done, it gets done". Now suddenly she's a struggling mother of three tiny children, one a newborn, whose husband is being a dick. No she isn't.

People like you really piss me off.

DH and I both chose to have our children. We knew once we did, the childcare costs would mean that one of us would have to leave work. We decided that he could follow his career while I looked after the kids, because he does not want to be at home with them. Sacrificing rather a lot on my part, albeit temporarily.

I enable DH to work. I take on all the responsibility at home so he doesn't have to. He does not enable me to stay at home, there is no choice.

Open your eyes a little bit.

The husband is not an evil git. There WAS a fair bit of drip feeding, though I suspect it was not intentional. OP is obviously very taken up with her three young children, all under four and very close in age.

It is a big challenge, especially with a 7 week old.

With so much on her plate is it any wonder that she forgot we are not all psychic. She and her DP are both probably each forgetting that the other is not psychic. They need to acknowledge each other a bit more for what they do at the moment, and the criticism, implied or otherwise, should stop.

I'm not at all dim, thank you, but you seem to be proving yourself such if you don't realise that she's able to stay at home and swan around to the park with her kids because her husband is bringing in a wage. How would she do so, otherwise?

Likewise, stop running the husband down. He sounds like a saint, frankly!

I doubt she suddenly had 3 very young kids.

Why knock someone so much when she is down? Clearly struggling, sleep deprived, and feeling shit about herself? Why add to it? Why insist she is drip feeding? Seems to me like she can't see what's acceptable, and might even have a touch of pnd.

You are being disingenuous implying op was talking about the newborn getting bored, when clearly it's the two toddlers. And bored toddlers are a nightmare. Do you even have kids?

And she might well choose to spend her time with the kids, since their world has changed. If she has a spare 5 minutes, she might prefer to do something she enjoys instead of housework.

Why are you picking at her so much! Hardly the supportive ethos of mumsnet. I wouldn't be surprised if you and a couple of others have scared her into not coming back.

Oh, what utter rubbish. People like you piss me off too. How would you support yourself and your children if your husband wasn't working? Benefits? Tax credits? (not any more, I expect). Well done!

You both made the choice to have children. Likewise, so did the OP, one presumes. Stop running the husband down and calling him a dick. He's not a dick. By her own admission, he's working hard, running his own business, taking care of all the admin, paying all the bills, getting the kids up, getting their breakfast, going to do a full day's work, coming home, making dinner, doing bath and bedtime, doing housework, mowing the lawn. She, on the other hand, takes the kids to the park because they "get bored" and makes their lunch and to quote herself back to her "takes them on social visits and day trips" - and she doesn't think she needs to be appreciative of what he does? Really?

She's living the life of riley, and a little thanks wouldn't go amiss.

tree feel free to point out how I've run the husband down, even once. He doesn't sound like a saint. He sounds like a normal parent of young kids, same as op.

And for the last time, you have no idea how their finances work. But if op didn't stay at home with the kids, who would! It would have to be DH. Meaning he couldn't work. Her taking that role means he can work. Running his own business by the sounds of it which must be something he really wants to do.

I imagine if DH wasn't in the picture, op would still with benefits be able to look after her kids. And stop saying take them to the park like it's wonderful for the op. I'd wager it's part of survival.

Again how many kids do you have? Did you ever have to cope with kids of this age and number? I'm guessing not.

Couldn't agree more slithy. It's almost like some posters are trying to blame the OP because they were so unpleasant isn't it?

And tree, can you not read? Where did I call ops husband a dick?

I'm not blaming the OP. I think she's unreasonable, I think she dripfed when she didn't like being told she was unreasonable and a bit entitled and lazy, and I think she expects her husband to do everything for her.

I didn't say you personally did, slithytove. Other people have.

Firstly, not many people put a 7 week old in childcare.
Secondly, what makes you think that they can afford to have 3 in childcare?
Thirdly, her AND HER DH may have chosen for her to be at home SO DH CAN FOLLOW HIS CAREER DREAMS.

You just don't know! So don't bloody judge her.

Do you give a shit that a postpartum mum of three has come for support?

She does the night wakings
Their lunch and dinner - with kids that age means a lot of clean up
The general tidying
All the laundry and shopping
Takes them out, presumably to keep them happy and for their development
Plus daily this will mean loads of nappy and clothes changes
And she is postpartum and breastfeeding.

And you say she is lazy and expects her husband to do everything for her? You are deluded and severely lacking in compassion.

Yes, I believe her.

Far kinder to believe her in case she is telling the truth and struggling, than risk making her more upset and not able to come back.

If she is a troll which I don't think, I've lost nothing in supporting her. And if you think she is lying, it's far nicer of you to report to hq rather than state it on the thread.

As I have reported you. especially since this is your first post or you've nc specifically for this thread. Gf.

Self employed women work ft and are expected to do more than this dh.

There's so much sexism on this thread. Why is it ok for men to work ft and do nothing else? If they do 'extra' they are fabulous.

The best way to judge equality in a relationship is by the amount of 'off' /leisure time each partner gets.

I can't imagine that with a 7wk old the OP will be getting more of that than her dh.

Quite apart from the OP, imagine how shit someone who is in that situation would feel, reading your responses.

Swap roles if you can & walk in each other's shoes. Perhaps will be an eye opener for both of you?!

You poor love, you sound knackered. Do you have family support nearby? Or a chance of a cleaner a couple of hours per week?

Life has just changed massively again, you are both adjusting. If I were you I have a very open conversation with him, and just tell him that right now, your kids are very small and that will mean disruption and a bit of plain old surviving. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does, even if sometimes you are too overwhelmed to say it. And that you appreciate bei at home with the babies but that he needs to understand that it has its trials and isn't a giant holiday and you are feeling the strain of his stress as well.

To manage the house, routine is key. So, get up a wee bit earlier every day. Get yourself a coffee, clear the dishwasher etc and think about the day. Morning, go out and do something. Park, walk, drive, group, whatever. Back for lunch, or picnic. Do the kids nap? If so, nap in afternoon. Afternoon at home, Chuck something in the slow cooker or whatever, spend 15 mins blitzing something, pick on disaster zones. My key ones would be kitchen, sitting area and hall. So you can enjoy your evening in a wee bit more calm. Dh home, hand over older ones for bath or play or whatever while you fix dinner, or other way round. Then one does bedtime with older two while other has a whip round, does washing up/dishwasher, clears floor of toys, puts a wash on timer or whatever. Then make a cup of tea and sit together.

Get a decent sling so baby can be near you and give you free hands, he can use it too to give you a wee break.

Put a wash on every eve or every other eve on a timer to be put out the next day. Either put away the same day or like me, leave it in a giant pile for a few days then blitz it!

Her Dh sounds like he pulls his weight. A man who does that is not a saint, just not a dick!