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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uneasy about my friend's BDSM life?

148 replies

DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:05

My mate and his boyfriend are into fetish and BDSM and spend a fair amount of time and money going around to fetish clubs. I am a bit Hmm about the whole thing but never let it show. I'm happy for him to tell me about it as he doesn't go into detail, more just the what-did-you-do-at-the-weekend version that isn't too graphic.

However, this week I'm not feeling so good about it. My friend brought his new 'slave' over to mine on Sunday. The slave had spent a good part of the week in a human sized cage in my friend and his partner's flat, being told when he could leave the cage/get up on the couch/eat from a bowl, etc.

My friend had told me about it earlier in the week and I had been uneasy. However, when I met the 'slave' (dressed normally, no collar, but introduced by the name my friend had given him) I got more concerned. Basically, the guy just brought out all my maternal instincts, he just seemed really vulnerable.

Everyone involved is consenting adults. There is no abuse. The slave contacted my friend in order to act out this role. It just makes me feel a bit weird and I want to tell my friend to stop. But, then, I don't know much about BDSM.

AIBU and should I chill out?

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 06/07/2015 20:07

I wouldn't want to be a part of that, frankly.

MamaLazarou · 06/07/2015 20:09

Yeuch! That would set me on edge, too. Keep it in the bedroom, guys!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/07/2015 20:09

YABU, they are all consenting adults.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:10

I wouldn't say I'm part of it.

My friend needed to collect something from me on Sunday and his slave was with him. I only met him for about 10 minutes.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/07/2015 20:10

Christ, they've got a human sized cage in their house?

I'd be very uneasy, too. It reminds me of the cannibal case where the guy agreed to be eaten; can you really consent to that?

However, I'm sure there will be plenty on here who are familiar with the scene and will tell you it's acceptable.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:12

You don't have to be part of it

Tell your mate to leave his sex life out of your interactions

I would consider it a most unfriendlike act to make you participate against your will

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 06/07/2015 20:13

I think it's impolite to act out sexual fetishes when you have friends over.

YANBU.

However, what they do in private is totally fine.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:13

you are part of it if you have ended up feeling so uneasy

your friend had no right to do that

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:14

I'm not sure if by listening and not judging I am kind of giving some tacit validation to the whole thing.

Previously, I've been a bit 'Whatever, clearly you are all consenting adults'. But this time the slave just made me think 'Yeah, he's consenting, but that's because he is a bit damaged and vulnerable'.

OP posts:
TurnItIn · 06/07/2015 20:14

Hmmm. Well I think you are perfectly within your rights to say that you are happy that they are happy but that you're not frightfully keen on having their sex lives rubbed in your face as it were. Your friend is probably in the first flush of discovering the nature of his sexuality and is excited and wanting to share it all - like when you meet a new person and you're really into them, you want to talk about them all the time...But it's inappropriate to talk to you about it all and to make you feel uncomfortable, they should have friends in the scene that they can talk to!

FreckledHen · 06/07/2015 20:16

Tell your friend to keep his sex life to himself. Telling your he has a human slave and then introducing you to him goes beyond the casual "what did you do at the weekend" chit chat IMO.

Boardingblues · 06/07/2015 20:16

You are now in the game! I bet that your discomfort was apparent and savoured! YANBU - you are being the square though….

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 06/07/2015 20:16

Er, you can't really tell them to stop!

YANBU to be uneasy about it, you feel how you feel.

But they are, as you say, consenting adults and they won't be harming each other. Try and think of it as a roleplaying game if it helps.

LemonySmithit · 06/07/2015 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PannaDoll · 06/07/2015 20:17

I wouldn't really want to know about it or meet any of the role players in his sex life. If the answer to your 'what did you do at the weekend' question goes beyond 'went to a club' or 'hung out with some like minded friends' then it's too much information for me. I'd also consider it too much info for any friend to report on their sex life to me in that way. Seriously don't want to hear about it. Colour me prudish.

SylvaniansAtEase · 06/07/2015 20:17

I think you can't possibly know the score with it all, so given that they are all adults, you just nod and smile. Really not your place to say anything!

You'd have to be a bit odd full stop though - all of them. It's not the kinky sex bit that turns me off when it comes to BDSM stuff. It's the making sex into such an obsession - something that is just one part of life, making it THE prime thing. It's a bit trainspotter like, just a bit over the top.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 06/07/2015 20:17

If everyone involved is enjoying the experience then yabu. If your discomfort is because you suspect that this isn't truly a consensual set-up, then obviously yanbu.

I don't think it sounds as if they are 'indulging in a sexual fetish' in front of you. It' sounds as if it's just the dynamic of the relationship that bothers you?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 06/07/2015 20:18

(and maybe avoid going over there until Slavey has left the building)

TurnItIn · 06/07/2015 20:18

Not everyone who is into BDSM as a sub/slave/whatever is damaged and vulnerable though. How you can make that diagnosis after meeting him for 10 minutes (presumably while he's still in his sub role as well) is beyond me to be honest.

If you really are thinking along these lines - that your friends are the sort of people to abuse a damaged and vulnerable person then do you really think you should be friends with them at all? Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 06/07/2015 20:18

I think your friend put you in a really difficult position, either thoughtlessly or because he doesn't care about how you feel. It really wasn't necessary for you to know that he was bringing anyone other than a "friend" - the fact that they felt the need to tell you the details of what they had been doing (when you didn't want to know) is involving you in their sex life without your consent.
You need to talk to your friend, he needs to understand that he must never pull a stunt like that again.

PannaDoll · 06/07/2015 20:18

I agree with Lemony, it sounds like they enjoy telling you/people about their sex lives. Yuck.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:19

They do have friends in the scene - I guess I am the link with outside normality. They told me originally as if they had gone missing on some European jaunt, literally no-one would have known where they were.

And, yes, it is very much first flush stuff. I feel it wasn't a coincidence that I met the slave. My friend and I are close, I think he just wanted to introduce us.

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 06/07/2015 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 06/07/2015 20:21

Agree with AF as usual.

Not fair to involve you in their sex games without your consent and that is what they are doing. That would make me wonder how thoroughly consent has been explored generally.

If you do BDSM most of your time is spent on consent and talking and significantly less on sex games IME.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:21

it's just the same as my vanilla friend mounting her husband on the armchair next to me as we sip tea

there is an etiquette whether you are kinky or not

I would tear him a strip off for involving you