to feel uneasy about my friend's BDSM life?

[DungeonDoGood]

My mate and his boyfriend are into fetish and BDSM and spend a fair amount of time and money going around to fetish clubs. I am a bit about the whole thing but never let it show. I'm happy for him to tell me about it as he doesn't go into detail, more just the what-did-you-do-at-the-weekend version that isn't too graphic.

However, this week I'm not feeling so good about it. My friend brought his new 'slave' over to mine on Sunday. The slave had spent a good part of the week in a human sized cage in my friend and his partner's flat, being told when he could leave the cage/get up on the couch/eat from a bowl, etc.

My friend had told me about it earlier in the week and I had been uneasy. However, when I met the 'slave' (dressed normally, no collar, but introduced by the name my friend had given him) I got more concerned. Basically, the guy just brought out all my maternal instincts, he just seemed really vulnerable.

Everyone involved is consenting adults. There is no abuse. The slave contacted my friend in order to act out this role. It just makes me feel a bit weird and I want to tell my friend to stop. But, then, I don't know much about BDSM.

AIBU and should I chill out?

He is not going to stop with the lifestyle I think but perhaps you should consider knocking the friendship on the head.

Bringing it into your home is the only bit you can reasonably do something about- it doesn't really matter what you think about what he does in his own home or at social clubs for the like-minded though, does it? You only get to express an opinion on somebody else's personal life when it affects you.

I mean, I might know a couple of nudists, and they can do what they like in private or on a holiday that caters for them, but they sure as hell aren't turning up here naked and sitting on my cream sofas, thank you very much.

What do you get from the friendship?

Lol BOF! Exactly.

No, our friendship isn't conditional, but our closeness and openess is part of it. I don't generally care what he does so there are no conditions to it. And if I feel strongly, then I will speak to him. I'm just doing a bit of research on MN first because, like all my other friendships, I don't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable about themselves if it isn't necessary.

It is very hard for me to tell if IABU because my first instinct when someone tells me they have a human slave is to suggest they both seek serious counseling. This is because I don't know much about BDSM and I know a little bit about normal healthy relationship dynamics.

I'm into BDSM, I will talk about it on the Internet. However nobody in RL knows anything about my sex life.

I enjoy Dh taking over my sex life, I love being tied up, smacked and fucked till I am so tired that I can't even think.

However I would never involve my friends and family into my sex life.

Your friend is way out of order, if you knew nothing about it then you would have just assumed he was shy and nervous about meeting new people.

What do you get from the friendship?

Er, the normal stuff! We don't talk about sex all or most of the time! We go out, have fun, mutual friendships, gossip, watch telly, swap recipes and books, make plans and critiques each others bad dress sense.

But the openness only works in his favour... Because if you raise your concerns about his dubious attitude to other people involved in his sex life such as you or the slave he would 'flare up' and he hasn't bothered to be open about whether he was going to start involving you in his shenanigans...

Just seems like he is using you to make himself feel better about stuff that he is doing that is wrong. I don't think you can get the measure of someone's consent by meeting a slave for ten minutes but I don't think he can either the role having been applied for by a stranger to him.

In the past things have got really intense and I have said no more, but don't actually mean it, that's why we have safe words.

The only time I have safe worded is why DH started calling me a whore. Everything stopped and then the most important thing was to discuss it. The reason I don't like women and myself being call names based on their sex lives.

Never happened again.

Agree with pp re flare up.

'This is because I don't know much about BDSM and I know a little bit about normal healthy relationship dynamics.'

...right.

I feel like you're not really listening and you just want to be told YANBU, but have a read of this.

Acting out scenarios in BDSM, being a master, being a slave, whatever it is, is called 'playing' for a really good reason - because it's just a game.

It's sort of crossing a boundary isn't it? I couldn't give a toss what consenting adults do in their own time, but I don't want to be involved in it.

I'm not ashamed of having sex, just as I'm not not ashamed of having a shit, but I'd not do either in the living room in front of friends.

Does one weld one's own human sized cage together or are there specialist vendors on t'internet?

You can buy a cage that will fit a human in pets at home. HTH

If you take the plastic tray out it is really painful on the knees.

I think the main issue is BDSM without adequate consent is just regular abuse. You question whether your friend is getting adequate consent and therefore are wondering whether he is abusive. Other signs are there including his slave contacting him as a stranger, railroading you by bringing his slave over and having defensive flare ups if you question him.

That "Dungeon" bit in your username OP...
Did you name change specifically for this post or are you new or what?

A post about BDSM from a 'vanilla' person with little knowledge about BDSM, and yet their username includes the word dungeon. Mmmmhmmmm.

One of my DDs spent quite a bit of time in a cage when she was about two or three. Used to really disconcert visitors. She'd go into the dog crate and shut the door behind her. misses point of thread

arf, so did mine

it was called a playpen back then and is actually akin to child abuse in these more "enlightened" times

along with reins

in fact, there are some rather worrying parallels between BDSM and how I used to wrangle my toddlers

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who wanted to keep a slave in a cage for fun. Even if the "slave" enjoyed it.

Just because it's for sexual reasons, doesn't make it OK, does it?

Keeping a human slave in a human sized cage in your home - i don't care if its consensual or not its fucking weird

bump

Very strange and creepy. I would not be happy about it at all.

I changed my name for this thread. Some of my RL friends know me under my usual posting name and could guess at who my friend is.

I have thought about this overnight. And I really don't think that wanting/having a slave is evidence of being very well adjusted.

However, my friend is quite lovely - so it doesn't really make sense to me. It made sense when he was talking about club nights or private parties with a start and finish. This is more lifestyle and that is part of my problem with it.