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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uneasy about my friend's BDSM life?

148 replies

DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:05

My mate and his boyfriend are into fetish and BDSM and spend a fair amount of time and money going around to fetish clubs. I am a bit Hmm about the whole thing but never let it show. I'm happy for him to tell me about it as he doesn't go into detail, more just the what-did-you-do-at-the-weekend version that isn't too graphic.

However, this week I'm not feeling so good about it. My friend brought his new 'slave' over to mine on Sunday. The slave had spent a good part of the week in a human sized cage in my friend and his partner's flat, being told when he could leave the cage/get up on the couch/eat from a bowl, etc.

My friend had told me about it earlier in the week and I had been uneasy. However, when I met the 'slave' (dressed normally, no collar, but introduced by the name my friend had given him) I got more concerned. Basically, the guy just brought out all my maternal instincts, he just seemed really vulnerable.

Everyone involved is consenting adults. There is no abuse. The slave contacted my friend in order to act out this role. It just makes me feel a bit weird and I want to tell my friend to stop. But, then, I don't know much about BDSM.

AIBU and should I chill out?

OP posts:
TheCatsMother99 · 06/07/2015 20:55

YABU.
This slave has chosen to live their life (or a week or whatever) in that way & I'm sure they could back out at any point.
Just tell your friend you're uncomfortable about it & would rather not be involved in any way.

Offred · 06/07/2015 20:56

i'd be way more concerned about the way he is involving himself in this stuff than the way a 'slave' presented himself. You just cannot be sure of adequate consent for BDSM if you pick up a stranger from the Internet IMO.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:59

Our friendship dynamic has up til now been very non-judgey and we are close and gossipy and get along well. My friend can definitely look after himself and I respect that.

This time I did raise issues but they were mainly to do with the effect it might have on his relationship with his partner having someone else in the house (usually they are at a club etc). But since I met the slave, I wish I'd been more robust. The Slave was obviously happy in my friend's company. I just think there are deep issues there that my friend is unwittingly taking advantage of.

The thing is, because I know so little about BDSM I feel as though I'm basically saying BDSM is for fuck-ups.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/07/2015 20:59

It's just plain bloody rude to involve you in what is essentially a kinky game. You didn't ask to participate, but the moment he brought a sexual partner into your home and started bossing him around à la Tedious-Era Madonna, that's exactly what was happening.

jay55 · 06/07/2015 21:00

yabu to judge what they do at home. yanbu to ask them not to share any part of it with you. There are lots of people they can share with who would be delighted to hear about it.

Offred · 06/07/2015 21:01

What's wrong with being judgey?

BitOfFun · 06/07/2015 21:02

Oh, and you don't need to worry that you might be saying BDSM is for fuck-ups; all you need to say is that it isn't for you, and you don't appreciate being put in the position of being included in it in your own home.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 21:04

BOF has just summarised what most people are saying but op seems strangely averse to simplifying matters in this obvious way Hmm

Cherryblossomsinspring · 06/07/2015 21:05

I think they need to keep it to themselves.

I wonder how they would feel if you took your dildo over to theirs when you went to pick up something and just casually waved it around. Or maybe when chatting about the weekend you could drop into the conversation that you had a nice bit of anal.

Maybe they are looking for your approval or to make a point but its a bit over the line to keep dragging you into their sex life.

butterfly133 · 06/07/2015 21:08

I also wondered who had room for a human size cage in their home. Then I realised it only has to be big enough to fit a human. Ick. i also wonder why someone would enjoy being there.

Offred · 06/07/2015 21:08

I mean I am into BDSM and I really think it is entirely appropriate to be judgey and completely Hmm if someone brings a slave to your home uninvited and unexpected and has them kept in a cage etc with you around with no discussion over your boundaries/feelings....

I'd be judgey because at that point I'd be thinking this person is not respecting me and hasn't bothered to ask my boundaries and he's involved in sex play that can be dangerous physically and psychologically!

I'd be questioning whether he was the type of friend I wanted, not because he is into BDSM but because he has a fucked up sense of boundaries and respect for other people.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 21:08

I should have been clearer: the bringing the slave to my house is not the bit I most object to.

I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable to object to the whole relationship? Not that I have much influence, they're consenting adults, but I do have some influence - he asks me for my take on things. Usually, as I say, I just kind of nod and shrug. This time I feel different.

OP posts:
ungratefulfecker · 06/07/2015 21:09

The thing is, because I know so little about BDSM I feel as though I'm basically saying BDSM is for fuck-ups.

I think some good books could help you'e knowledge, but essentially it's just one of those things - some people are kinky, some people are not. What do you mean by a 'fuck up', exactly?

There are two things going on here - the above impulse toward judgement you have (and you do have it, though I think you're tamping it down because you feel you could be being U as you don't know much about it).

Then, there's the separate fact that your friend IS being inappropriate and annoying by bringing it around you. You can tell him to stop talking about it around you, without questioning his whole lifestyle.

I know you also have a concern about the other party involved, but often BDSM can be used by people to work through things - it can be an outlet. It can feel wonderful. You just don't know enough about the situation to be able to judge.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 21:12

If there are issues with the boundaries then I am partly to blame. I have never objected to hearing about all the BDSM stuff. I've never minded before.

The impulse towards judgement is definitely something I have. I am judging my friend for wanting a slave and for taking this vulnerable guy as one.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/07/2015 21:13

Some people who are into BDSM are fuck ups and some people who are not into BDSM are fuck ups.

As BOF says - he is making you uncomfortable why not just tell him?

Why are so concerned about it? Are you trying not to appear uncool?

Lateswim16 · 06/07/2015 21:13

I think they are trying to shock you and personally it sounds incredibly childish. Both the trying to shock you and the whole scenario.

Who cares? Tell them to shut up and grow up. What they do is up to then but keep it to themselves. Idiots.

Offred · 06/07/2015 21:15

Ok, but you know even less about the slave than your friend does which is pretty much fuck all.

If your only experience of BDSM is what this guy is involved in then perhaps extrapolating it to 'BDSM is for fuck ups' is unnecessary. Sounds like your friend may be a fuck up who is into BDSM which is very bad IMO.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 21:15

are you going to raise this with your friend, or are you going to continue to navel gaze and ignore all common sense advice on this this thread ?

butterfly133 · 06/07/2015 21:19

YANBU if you don't tell him what to do

If you feel you can't be friends with someone who is into this, I would see it the same way as not wanting to be friends with someone who used strip clubs. Do you see what I mean? It might not be cool to feel like this, but friends need some commonality and some mixes just don't work.

Offred · 06/07/2015 21:21

And no, you are not partly to blame. He is entirely to blame because it is up to people involved in the BDSM to explore boundaries and make sure they keep within them. It is NOT up to you to protect yourself from anything they might possibly do by knowing your boundaries on their specific issues and making sure you communicate them clearly. He absolutely is entirely responsible and just because a friend listens to you non-judgementally does not mean you have adequately explored their boundaries and can now involve them in your sex games.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 21:21

Why are so concerned about it? Are you trying not to appear uncool?

The friendship and openness are important to both of us, he trusts me and asks my advice on stuff. I suppose I am trying to find out about BDSM psychology in a round about way.

Before I speak to him, I'd really want to be clear about what I was actually planning to say because any sign of disapproval will (I know) result in defensive flare up. Even if that was temporary, I'm asking myself if it is worth saying anything. Is the apparent vulnerability of the Slave worth me saying to my friend 'I think you should stop'? Or is it just my lack of understanding that is the problem here?

OP posts:
Offred · 06/07/2015 21:23

Can you see why that would make me worry about the slave?!

You can't just have a self word and then do WTF you like. You need to understand a person and their boundaries and the safe word is usually the last resort/stop button that the slave has to stop an agreed play from crossing their boundaries.

Offred · 06/07/2015 21:25

any sign of disapproval will (I know) result in defensive flare up

Then I would think he was an incredibly dubious person to be involved with at all! Seriously he brings his sex games to your house but if you disapprove about any of it he will 'flare up'?!

He is too immature and insensitive to be trusted with BDSM IMO and you would be right to be concerned.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 21:26

I think you need to stop overthinking

You are frightened to raise this because your friendship is conditional isn't it ?

ungratefulfecker · 06/07/2015 21:26

"I am judging my friend for wanting a slave"

But that is part of BDSM - which you said you are unjudgemental about. I'm confused, which is it? Is the guy his live-in residential slave? If not, it's a game with a set start and finish.

"and taking this vulnerable guy as one"

A) But you don't actually know he's vulnerable and B) if you like it, it feels good and C) people sometimes use BDSM to work through issues.

Raise the vulnerability stuff if you feel you need to with your friend, but do a bit of research first is all I'm saying.

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