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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uneasy about my friend's BDSM life?

148 replies

DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:05

My mate and his boyfriend are into fetish and BDSM and spend a fair amount of time and money going around to fetish clubs. I am a bit Hmm about the whole thing but never let it show. I'm happy for him to tell me about it as he doesn't go into detail, more just the what-did-you-do-at-the-weekend version that isn't too graphic.

However, this week I'm not feeling so good about it. My friend brought his new 'slave' over to mine on Sunday. The slave had spent a good part of the week in a human sized cage in my friend and his partner's flat, being told when he could leave the cage/get up on the couch/eat from a bowl, etc.

My friend had told me about it earlier in the week and I had been uneasy. However, when I met the 'slave' (dressed normally, no collar, but introduced by the name my friend had given him) I got more concerned. Basically, the guy just brought out all my maternal instincts, he just seemed really vulnerable.

Everyone involved is consenting adults. There is no abuse. The slave contacted my friend in order to act out this role. It just makes me feel a bit weird and I want to tell my friend to stop. But, then, I don't know much about BDSM.

AIBU and should I chill out?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:22

although I expect my face would paint a picture that kept us warm into our old age ! Grin

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2015 20:24

They're consenting adults, its up to them - slave included.

However what Im Hmm about is, he clearly felt a need to introduce his slave to you. Your friend obviously has a need to shock, and doesn't care about possible disrespect for your boundaries.

Id tell him to keep his sex-life to himself, period.

After all Im sure we all have friends, do we necessarily know about their sex life? I know I don't...but Id be really dubious in a "red flag" way if they kept engineering situations or talk to involve me in their personal sex life thats for sure

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:25

You'd have to be a bit odd full stop though - all of them.

I'm wondering if this is my issue Grin. I have to repress my instinct to suggest they should all head straight for therapy. I mean, who wants someone in a cage in their house?!

My friend is super lovely otherwise. In fact, that was one of my thoughts. I was glad Slave had met him and his partner rather than someone else who might be less considered.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 06/07/2015 20:26

I agree he's involved you in the scenario and that's absolutely wrong. Perfectly reasonable to tell him he overstepped the boundaries in your friendship.

TurnItIn · 06/07/2015 20:26

It's not really the same as that though AF. A better analogy would be your vanilla (hate that phrase!) friend telling you all the ins and outs of their Saturday Night Romp and then showing you the vibrator they used. (Can your imagine?!)

BabyFeets · 06/07/2015 20:28

It's Confused but different strokes for different folks. Just say you would prefer to not meet his slaves

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/07/2015 20:30

Does your friend use safe words? The safe-word is a word the slave/sub/spankee is given - if they use that word then whatever is happening must stop, straight away.

I have been in the BDSM scene, and attended parties, and the watchword was 'Safe, Sane and Consensual'. If your friend and his partner are 'playing' by these rules, and using (and respecting) safe words, then hopefully what they are doing is being done with respect to the physical, mental and emotional health of all concerned.

If they aren't, I would be worried.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:30

I'm not sure that my friend wanted to shock me. He knew he wouldn't - I'm not very shockable.

I think on some level he wants my approval that it is all OK. And I think I sort of gave it by being friendly and kind of nodding along and now I am regretting that.

If I'm giving my honest opinion, I think it is wrong. Yes, the slave is consenting, but that's because he is fucked up and vulnerable. I don't know that my friend would actually have the emotional intelligence to see that. I think he just thinks it was all BDSM scene and everyone is an independent operator, free to get their kicks however.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:31

well, I dunno, TurnItIn

clearly introducing someone as their "slave" is part of the ongoing game

so I would consider it a sex act performed for my eyes right there and then

or else, he would have been introduced as just a mate

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:32

I think someone with poor emotional intelligence has no business in the sex slave BDSM lifestyle, tbh

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:33

so, are you going to speak to your friend about this and withdraw your tacit approval ?

Offred · 06/07/2015 20:36

Then no dungeon that's no good. I think ideas of consent in a BDSM scene where people are strangers or acquaintances are a bit dodgy. I only feel comfortable with consent being true consent if the people involved know each other very well. It took more than a year of being in a relationship to get to know each other well enough in my current relationship to be comfortable with BDSM stuff for that reason. It's important to know the whole person and be responsible.

CaptainHolt · 06/07/2015 20:38

I'm not into BDSM but I would have thought taking your slave to someones house would be crossing the line. The slave may be consensual but he's a slave ffs and it's totally unfair to bring a 3rd (4th?) party into the set up by bringing him to the house and presenting him and telling you they've kept the bloke in a cage all week and made him eat from a bowl. What are you supposed to do with that?

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:40

I suppose that is my dilemma: do I actually say that I don't approve of consenting adults doing their thing? Would it be unreasonable to suggest that maybe they shouldn't? Or should examine their motives for keeping another person in a cage?

I feel like that would achieve nothing but a frosty friendship.

My friend doesn't have low emotional intelligence. I just think he is very informed by the whole BDSM scene. He wouldn't look behind it and question someone's emotional motives for being treated like that. From a distance, I just see a lot of screwed up people. (I cover that up quite well though!)

They use safe words, I'm pretty sure of it.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/07/2015 20:41

And he wants your approval? Why? Unless he isn't entirely comfortable with what he is doing?

butterfly133 · 06/07/2015 20:42

OP, I think the fact of it would be my issue too. Getting kicks out of having a slave in a cage, who needs permission to eat from a bowl on the floor? And the fact that they told you suggests they are curious to see your reaction, which would annoy me. I'd just shrug in order to annoy them ????

ungratefulfecker · 06/07/2015 20:43

YANBU... to be made uncomfortable by your friend going on about his BDSM stuff to you, and YADNBU to feel uncomfortable at being randomly introduced to him, thereby involving you in the whole thing. Tell him to STFU with the personal sexual adventures stuff, and if he doesn't stop seeing him.

YABVU... to decide the sub was 'damaged and vulnerable' after 10 minutes of meeting him, and then to also apply that to other people who identify as sub - bit patronising. It's a complex, personal thing, like all human sexuality.

Offred · 06/07/2015 20:44

No, I think maybe you explore consent issues with him and perhaps encourage him to look at things more deeply than just the 'scene'. Explore why he feels the need to involve others like yourself - is it for approval? Why?

Or you just tell him you are not comfortable with him involving you in it because you have some issues over the validity of the consent being given.

Or you shut him down when he talks about it and stop seeing him as much.

headinhands · 06/07/2015 20:49

Surely your friend can sense you're not all about swinging sex harnesses and butt plugs and as such he's a douche to go on about it to you the same way you would be if you went on about the merits of the most common diesel trains used by your local train company if you can tell he's just not into it.

Original poster
DungeonDoGood · 06/07/2015 20:49

YABVU... to decide the sub was 'damaged and vulnerable' after 10 minutes of meeting him, and then to also apply that to other people who identify as sub - bit patronising. It's a complex, personal thing, like all human sexuality.

I'm not being patronising. I really needed a very short time in the Slave's company to see from his look/the way he carried himself/the way he interacted with me that he was a vulnerable person. Sweet, lovely, vulnerable. I honestly felt maternal towards him which I hadn't expected to at all.

Anyone who has done any teaching or charity/community support working with vulnerable people would have spotted it instantly too.

OP posts:
Flingmoo · 06/07/2015 20:52

who wants someone in a cage in their house?!

Who has space for a human sized cage in their house?!

Offred · 06/07/2015 20:53

He was always going to look vulnerable when in the sub role though.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:54

OP, why do you seem wary of being honest with your friend ?

does your friendship require you to agree with him at all times ?

my friendships don't work like that

Flingmoo · 06/07/2015 20:54

(Clearly not anyone with kids... "Daddy, who is that man in the big cage" ... "Oh don't worry about him, his name is Reek and he is our slave for the week. He can help you with your homework if you tell him to")

headinhands · 06/07/2015 20:54

human sized cage

Might be convenient for annoying visitors? And you could put teenagers and their homework in it and not let them out until it's done?