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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
00100001 · 06/07/2015 07:40

How important is this conference? Is it a work thing?

HermioneWeasley · 06/07/2015 07:41

I wouldn't hesitate to miss the wedding and go to the conference, but I'm pretty unsentimental

Teabagbeforemilk · 06/07/2015 07:42

First off, did the couple getting married amend your invitation or did you do ask them to include you?

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:43

The conference is a work thing - hard to judge how important it is - it's not crucial, but I'm a researcher, and it's the one conference per year I have funding to go to

OP posts:
seagreengirl · 06/07/2015 07:43

Conference here too, I'm afraid.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:44

I met my DP's friends a few months ago, and they invited me without asking - maybe DP asked on my behalf, but I didn't ask them to invite me. I knew they were getting married as we talked about it.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 06/07/2015 07:45

Conference wins.

Enchufla · 06/07/2015 07:46

I wouldnt go to the wedding

Teabagbeforemilk · 06/07/2015 07:49

So when they said 'would you like to come' did you point out that you couldn't go when they gave you the date?

It's sounds like your dp, asked for you to be invited and might be embarresed to say you are not now going, especially if they moved stuff round.

Personally I would go to the conference. It's work and was arranged before you were invited to the wedding. If you can't do both then don't go to the wedding.

As or advice on how to handle it. It's simple dp will be disappointed but she needs to understand you already had plans and her plans do not take precedence over your already made plans. Also she can not punish you for previous partners transgretions.

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/07/2015 07:53

Depends how important it is to your DP and how important the conference is. Have you been invited to speak at the conference? Can you skype in to give your paper?

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:53

I think if I'm being truthful, when I met them back in May, they may have said something like "it would be great to see you at the wedding", I might have said something like "oh great, thanks a lot". Being a bit disorganised, I didn't at the time know when the wedding was, or when the conference was, knowing they were September-ish, and it was only when I got a formal invitation, I looked into my calendar and saw the clash.

OP posts:
Hezaire · 06/07/2015 07:54

Conference wins

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:54

I was arranged to speak and I could in theory skype in my paper, but the main point of the conference is to be there, to meet people face-to-face. The wedding is important, especially for my DP

OP posts:
Hezaire · 06/07/2015 07:55

One of my good friends partners missed my wedding because of a conference with work. I wasn't too fussed

Olddear · 06/07/2015 07:57

Conference.

Nolim · 06/07/2015 07:57

I would go to the conferenc

ShuShuFontana · 06/07/2015 07:57

if dp is one of the bridesmaids then i'd say you'll be doing a good bit of hanging about, so it would be fairly low down over an important work thing for me

Teabagbeforemilk · 06/07/2015 07:57

So the formal invitation arrived either you or your do needs to contact them, thank them and say you didn't realise it clashed with an already booked conference and you are sorry you will miss it.

It's invitation not a summons

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 06/07/2015 07:57

Done exactly that sort of thing several times - are you fit, young, able-bodied - basically is there anything preventing you from a slightly gruelling day? Are you presenting at the conference? If you are just an attendee, then be reassured you will be able to rest a lot on the plane and train, and I would say go for it.

ArgyMargy · 06/07/2015 07:59

Doing the difficult trip would get you major brownie points - and give you something to chat about at the conference!

QuiteLikely5 · 06/07/2015 07:59

She's projecting her issues from her ex onto you. That isn't fair.

She's being unreasonable and controlling by trying to force your hand using emotional pressure.

PityPartay · 06/07/2015 08:02

Is there no decent middle ground, such as going to the wedding and staying for as much as possible, the ceremony at least, then doing the rural area-Paris-Atlantic stretch late on Sat, staying overnight wherever you land in the US then taking the 4 hour train trip much earlier so you have more time to rest on Sun?

pasturesgreen · 06/07/2015 08:02

Another vote for the conference here, I'm afraid. But then I'm a grumpy old bugger and detest weddings at the best of times anyway Grin

No way could I be arsed to trek to the South of France to the Saturday only, then trek back across the Atlantic the following way. I'd need a week just to recover! Go straight to the conference and think no more about it, your partner will survive!

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 08:04

I am fairly fit, the trip is doable, it just seems such a slog - I looked at other options, but they'd involve leaving the wedding at about 3pm on the Saturday, which just seems a bit pointless

OP posts:
Charley50 · 06/07/2015 08:09

Go to the conference but suggest to your DP meeting up with the happy couple after their honeymoon and all going for a nice evening out together.