... to not go to this wedding?

[boltofblue]

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

My poor husband has been to lots of weddings on his own because I've been working. Thank goodness he's more realistic than your girlfriend.

I wanted to add another vote for the conference. I think it's a bit selfish of her to be giving you a hard time about this. It's fine if she's disappointed, but, to make it such an issue is unreasonable, IMO.

I have never been to a wedding in the UK, but here in the US, a bridesmaid would be with the bride before the ceremony, so you'll be on your own before the ceremony. Then she'd be up at the front of the church (or wherever) during the ceremony, so you'll be sitting alone during the ceremony. Then she'd be at the table with the wedding party during the reception, leaving you to sit at the reception on your own.

If UK weddings are similar, then she's not going to have much time to spend with you while you're there, anyway. If I were her, I'd spend the whole wedding concerned that you weren't having a good time because you were along.

I work in research and have to travel - conference definitely - she is being massively unreasonable.

Steff that is exactly what it was like for me so I let my then partner off coming as he was very shy and didn't know anyone.

How hard is it to get in a taxi and sit in it for 4 hours to an airport?? Really? Sleep on the way if you're going to be tired after the wedding. How hard is it to travel from Paris instead of a UK airport? Nothing else is different. I'm firmly in the camp that thinks travel like that is easy, and certainly easy compared to looking after small children and operating with sleep deprivation.

I just outlined the situation to DH and asked what he would do and he instantly said go to the wedding as well, it's not like it's much extra bother is it? That attitude is one of the reasons I like him. Each to their own I guess!

How long ago did invites go out? If been together a year but you weren't originally invited?

I still say conference but if you want to be a doormat be a good bf then try and do both - but CUZ you want to - not coz she is having a strop!!!!

Petal - and just how much do you think a 4 hour taxi ride in France would cost? And the four hours back for the driver, if there is one willing to drive from god knows what village to Paris?

As Op said in his first post, it wouldn't be a problem so much if it was a transatlantic trip from one capital to another. But the American leg of the journey is complicated enough without adding another cross country trip into the itinerary. The only bit of the wedding that he'll share with his gf is the evening, when he'll need to get to bed early for the marathon trip next day. It's lunacy.

How hard is it to get in a taxi and sit in it for 4 hours to an airport??

I would say unbearably hard if I'm the one paying for such a colossal waste of money to attend the wedding of two people I don't know.

Why not charter a private jet to pick you up from a nearby airfield?

Or what about taking a simple balloon ride all the way there. It could pick you up (literally) from the wedding venue and drop you right into your networking drinks the next day.

And what a great talking point at the conference! I know how interesting most people find stories about how you got there.

If I were in a wedding but my boyfriend was a speaker in another conferance the same week end, I would understand and accept he couldn't go. I personally think your gf is acting self centered and inconsiderate to expect you to be there. I would suggest she ask someone else to go in your place. It isn't as if you want to stay home to watch a sports event on tv. Isn't it a bit of an honour to give a lecture in another country? To me that is a legit reason not to go.

OP, if you are sure you still love her and want to make her happy despite her rather needy reaction to this issue, I would say try your damndest to do both. What a gesture that would be! You've got a bit of leeway re your speaking slot if you get delayed and your point about not getting the most out of the conference if you miss a day is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Can you give a teeny bit more detail about the route? I am itching to help you plan! Or why not PM some of the more seasoned travellers on here and see if they'll give you a second opinion? I love a logistics challenge :-)

Hmm, I'd say conference too. I understand your DP's feelings, but in all honesty, she'll have friends there she can socialise with, so she won't be alone, and I think the journey you've outlined would be a bit of a killer!

No, the conference is more important to your life at the moment - just tell her you would have loved to come with her but the conference was booked first, you're scheduled to speak, it's not like they come up every couple of months, and you will definitely go to the next wedding she is invited to (assuming no further godawful clashes).

As someone up thread posted , this isn't really about whether you go to a wedding is it ? It's a woman in her thirties acting like a teenager-ooh look at my lovely new boyfriend . It's ridiculous for her to get so upset over something so trivial .Have you asked her why she is so upset? Does she interpret it as a lack of commitment to her/your relationship? If so surely you can reassure her ?
I have been to several weddings with Dh.And several without him as we were 30 when we met .The only one I expect to have memories of in our 80s is ours .

She was quite happy to go alone when originally got invited

To travel all that way and miss a day anyway seems
Pointless

Maybe try and go for a meal beforehand with b&g and gf

When is wedding? When do you need to make definite plans - ie leave it too late and you may not get a flight at all /on whatever day you decide to go or pay obscene amount of money

She goes to the wedding, you go to the conference. I don't see the issue. Are you shackled together or something?

Conference. I think you'd be mad to consider anything else.

Actually no, it was really nice that you considered another option and looked into if there was a solution to accommodate both. But the solution isn't practical, so: conference. If she pitches a fit over this, I'd take it as a red flag.

She's been with you for less than a year and she is already making what is looking increasingly like an unreasonable demand so you (she) will have memories to share with her friends (one of which you haven't even met yet) when you are in your eighties?

Ummmmmmmm........

I think you may have been wrong about the controlling and needy thing.

Bolt, the choice between the wedding and the conference is the least of your worries. Listen very closely to what she is telling you. This is the real her.

See if you guys ever get married and have children/pets then you will face real choices and I wouldn't fancy trying to negotiate with her. Stand your ground now and go to the conference.

I work in a similar field and anyone who cancelled a conference in order to go to a wedding of someone they barely knew would not be taken very seriously. Your colleagues and your boss won't forget too easily and you might find that it is the last conference you are ever invited to.

Some marriages don't last - just saying.

As the wife of an academic - conference wins here too. You need the exposure visibility/exposure.

conference.

the problem is your DP, i presume? bride and groom won't really notice. weddings are important, granted but jeez - funded conference attendance in the US in this climate?! go because that research money aint gonna last!

Skype? pah! never works out in practice and even if it does, is awkward. as a researcher you need to network. i got my job by networking at a conference. they are very important. i've also missed a wedding for a conference.

maybe offer your DP something to sweeten the pill?

Offer her what?

A ring on bended knee???

She's a fully grown adult, she shouldn't need a bribe to be reasonable