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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
NothingUpMySleeve · 06/07/2015 10:49

Conference, your DP sounds very needy and controlling, if this is a deal breaker, you'd be better off finding someone more reasonable.

nmg85 · 06/07/2015 10:49
  1. She is a bridesmaid so will most likely be busy most of the day and you will be sat on your own either regretting the fact you now need to make a horrendous journey or that you missed the conference.
  2. She needs to grow up and except that the world is a complicated place and not everything goes to plan. If you had said yes to the wedding and then booked the conference then yes she can be annoyed but the conference came 1st. If this is a deal breaker in your relationship then you really aren't right for each other and it won't last.
  3. Make sure you tell the bride & groom asap so they can reassign the 'seat' if needed.
NothingUpMySleeve · 06/07/2015 10:57

Oh and if the wedding is in rural France, you've probably only got an invite to make up the numbers as closer friends/family have realised it's too far away/expensive/ hassle just getting there, let alone going across the Atlantic afterwards!

moonbells · 06/07/2015 11:10

Conference is my first thought. Support her in pre-wedding stuff, help her get to hen do and pick out presents etc.

I cancelled an invited talk earlier this year, but that was due to serious close family illness and to be honest, it (or personal illness) is about the only thing that would cause me to cancel a talk. Your booking came first anyway. Much as I have in the past liked being a bridesmaid, you are usually busy helping the bride and don't get chance to be with your own other half until much later.

HOWEVER, Having said that, I was a BM when single and the reception was wretched, watching others have a good time dancing with their other halves and not having anyone there to be with myself. Possibly even worse if you have a non-present other half because you can't even get together with another guest! So I would talk with her to make sure that this isn't what she's worried about. It's that later in the evening bit that can be a problem.

almapudden · 06/07/2015 11:13

Conference. No question.

eddielizzard · 06/07/2015 11:16

conference. it was the first commitment and you are due to speak.

if there is a way of being there before and leaving on the saturday that would soften the blow.

MaidOfStars · 06/07/2015 11:16

I could be completely off-base re: type of conference, but from my POV (medical sciences research fellow):

Speaking at a conference is a Big Deal. Short of being invited to speak, you have to apply and "win" a talk. It's great credit to the importance and interest of your work that you are "allowed" to speak. Every conference I apply to, I apply to speak (and have been accepted to do a few times). It's fab - necessary - to have stuff like this on your CV.

If I were scheduled to speak at an international conference and told my colleagues/line manager that I was cancelling to go to a wedding with my partner, their faces would register blank confusion. My credibility would go down, not just within my field, but with my institution and immediate work environment.

Explaining to my funding body why I'd paid registration, accommodation and travel (although perhaps the OP has only paid the first - often the biggest chunk), then cancelled (often with penalty) would black mark me on their books. It credits them to have researchers presenting internationally.

SylvaniansAtEase · 06/07/2015 11:21

Conference - it's a no-brainer if it's something you have funding for and you are speaking.

CardinalRed · 06/07/2015 11:21

You've received funding to attend an international conference that you are also speaking at. One where most people will be arriving on the Sunday, so excellent opportunities for networking, finding out about new grant proposals, up and coming job opportunities. You'd be crazy to jeopardise that to attend this wedding. If just one leg of your complicate travel arrangements goes wrong it could bugger everything up. And that would be seen as highly unprofessional - squandering a few thousand pounds worth of fares, conference fees, accomodation etc to go to a wedding of people you barely know.

Your gf was originally going by herself, so presumably she was going to cope by herself then. If necessary she can boast about her academic BF, who is delivering a paper at an international conference!

But if she has a petted lip, then stand back and take a long hard look at things. You sound lovely, but you have to think of your career.

tattychicken · 06/07/2015 11:25

When did you tell her about the problem with the conference? It reads to me that you the invitation was extended to you in May, and you "sort of" accepted it. And you're havibg this conversation with her now in July.
When did you check your diary? If a day or so after being invited you check your diary, realise the clash and tell your DP, then that's totally reasonable. Conference it is.

If you've only just done it, and she's spent the last 6 weeks or so thinking you were going, then I can see why she's gutted and feels let down. And in this case I think you should try to do both.

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/07/2015 11:30

is the wedding closer to Paris than another French city? they have international flights from France from airports other than CDG. get thee to SkyScanner!

source: used to work in complicated business travel...

otherwise it's a swanky night in Paris for you and your girlfriend before she heads off to the wedding...

DinosaursRoar · 06/07/2015 11:44

thing is, you can do both, you'll be a bit tired and it's effort - but it's not "wedding or conference" - it's perfectly possible to do both.

That being the case, the question is, is your DP worth making an effort for or not? Do you think her wanting support at a wedding (is it likely there's some 'difficult' people there?) is worth you being tired and having a faffy journey.

She might be more 'sensitive' if she's dated men in the past who haven't thought she was worth putting themselves out for. You might find she's therefore less likely to forgive you not making an effort.

You can do both. You will be tired and it will be hard work. The wedding of people you don't know very well isn't a good enough reason to put yourself through a long, tiring journey, but is your DP's happiness?

(however if you do go for doing both, don't sulk or whinge about it and ruin the wedding for her by being difficult).

Radiatorvalves · 06/07/2015 11:49

Conference. I wouldn't try to do both...you'd leave the wedding too early and risk being late or too knackered to perform well at the conference.

I say this as someone who has attended numerous weddings alone...at the 28-33 stage, boyfriend, then Fiancé, then DH was away with the forces a lot. God knows how he made his own wedding...certainly missed both of his siblings' weddings.

Make an extra effort to do something with your DP and the wedding couple at another time.

BoyScout · 06/07/2015 11:55

That being the case, the question is, is your DP worth making an effort for or not?

But that question ignores the reasonableness of otherwise of your DP's request. Which is a big factor.

RandomFriend · 06/07/2015 12:03

Wedding.

Unless you are the keynote speaker at the conference and you are the main attraction for all the other participants, I would suggest going to the wedding in rural France that is important to your DP and where she will be a bridesmaid. Especially if you use the funding that you have for this conference for another conference.

I would normally say "conference", as that was booked beforehand. However, there will be many more conferences. Your DP may not get to be bridesmaid again. It is obviously important to her.

I am a researcher and I go to plenty of conferences but haven't been to a wedding in a long while. I also organise conferences and there is sometimes someone who pulls out for personal reasons.

For the future, make sure you keep the conference dates firmly in your diary and don't accept casual invitations without checking your conference commitments!

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 12:03

I definitely think my girlfriend/ DP is worth putting themselves out for - just that the amount of effort / risk of missed flights / stress is excessive.

OP posts:
Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 12:06

Sorry, typo - my girlfriend is worth me putting myself out for

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 06/07/2015 12:08

well, the OP hasn't said his DP has said he has to go, she'd like him too. She'll obviously be upset if he can't.

But it's not one or the other, it can be both, but tired the day before he does a presentation (having a whole day to recover), or just the conference and not be tired for any of it.

It obviously would be easier for you not to go to the wedding. It would obviously be easier for you if your DP was more than happy to tell you go alone. That's not the case. You can do both. If you don't want to, that's your choice, many others would make the same choice. It's your relationship. Is there likely to be other occasions in the future when your life would be easier/better if your DP puts herself out a bit and does something she might not want to for your benefit?

RandomFriend · 06/07/2015 12:09

I meant to add that it is no problem if someone pulls out of a conference two months in advance, as there would be time to rearrange the programme or get another paper.

Unless you are doing totally cutting edge research in a rapidly moving field, nothing will change if you miss this conference.

grapejuicerocks · 06/07/2015 12:09

Conference, unless you really really want to go to the wedding too. It doesn't sound as if you do. You'd only be doing it for dp.

You've tried to do both. You can't. Work is more important.

nmg85 · 06/07/2015 12:10

Have you actually sat down and discussed this? Maybe when she sees that you have looked at all the options she may accept your decision not to go if it comes to it?

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 12:11

We have discussed this, and I'm being a little unfair, but it seems that no matter what I do, if I don't go, it feels as if it's the wrong answer

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 06/07/2015 12:12

I completely understand your dps disappointment. I've been to one wedding with a partner and it can be crop always going on your own. However I totally let an ex off when I was bridesmaid as I would have had little time for him,he wouldn't know anyone and we wouldn't be sitting together. It would have been more stressful for me if he had come.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 12:12

From the conference point of view, of course, as far as they're concerned, they won't massively miss me - I'm just one more speaker to them

OP posts:
missmoon · 06/07/2015 12:13

I had this sort of dilemma once (though not for a wedding, but another big relatively big event my DP, now DH, was very keen on). It was a small workshop rather than a conference, so I also wasn't sure how important it was going to be work-wise. In the end I decided to do the uncomfortable trip, and went to both. I managed to convince the organisers to schedule my paper for as late as possible in the day (I had to present the same day, so had to go straight there with luggage etc.). It all turned out for the best, the trip was awful but the presentation went well, my trip turned into a bit of a conversation point (I was horribly sun-burnt so that stood out!), and a few years later got my first permanent job out of a contact I made at the workshop. So... I guess what I'm saying is that I would try to go to both, keep DP happy and go to the conference.