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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
LineRunner · 06/07/2015 09:14

Your DP needs 'supporting' as a bridesmaid? That sounds so insecure, but maybe that's just me...

Conference. Don't mess with your career because someone you don't know is choosing to have a party in rural France.

elementofsurprise · 06/07/2015 09:15

I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding)
I can understand where she's coming from here, to some extent. I've had a string of awful ex's and when I got a nice partner it meant a lot that he did things they wouldn't have bothered with. Whether through cause or effect or both, people who feel a bit insecure often have bad, if not actally abusive realtionships in their past which maks one all the more sensitive.

So how about taking her for eg. a romantic weekend in Paris or similar a fortnight before the wedding? (ie. as close to wedding as possible without having too much travel too close together.) So whilst you are unable to be at the wedding, she has lovely memories of you, feels close, and when she has to explain for the zillionth time that you exist/are away at a conference, she can add something positive and nice about your lovely weekend away together... or something.

Just a suggestion, I dunno... maybe just me. Blush

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/07/2015 09:19

To be honest, if it's very important to you, I'd try to do both. You can sleep on the plane. I used to do transatlantic flights a lot, often for conferences/presentations, and go into work the next day (wasn't an option not to). It is totally do-able - I think that a large part of the tiringness of travel is the expectation built up around it (though your trip does seem particularly difficult). Can you get your DP to pay for a taxi to take you from the wedding to Paris? Could you leave on the Sunday morning, get a flight then stay at the US airport on the Sunday night then get to the conference the next day? Honestly, a lot of people in business etc do international travel without missing days off work on a regular basis - it is possible.

Igneococcus · 06/07/2015 09:19

Is it a Gordon conference? Sorry, just being nosy, every Gordon conference I have ever been to was in a hard-to-get-to location.

Tuskerfull · 06/07/2015 09:21

Conference, and your partner needs to grow up. I'd say the same thing if she posted from her perspective.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 06/07/2015 09:23

Conference. Seems like she just wants a bauble on her arm and that's not worth damaging your career over.

wannaBe · 06/07/2015 09:25

dealbreaker? really? Tbh, if it's a dealbreaker then you're well rid. We're talking about the wedding of a friend where in essence you will be the hanger on while she plays the bridesmaid. It's not as if it is her wedding, or even as if you'll be together for most of it. I think it's nice to want to go to a wedding with your new partner, speaking as someone whose dp's ex often didn't go with him to events with him and meaning he often went alone I can see that from her perspective, however she needs to move away from holding you responsible for her ex's transgressions and see your being able to do things with her as a refreshing part of her new relationship rather than bringing up the past (for which you are not responsible) when this isn't possible.

My dp loves that we do things together esp as this often didn't happen in his previous relationship. But if I had to work or there was some other reason I couldn't then he would never dream of holding that against me on account of the fact that this was how his ex was.

Your dp needs to get over herself and stop being so needy.

And you need to go to the conference and assure her that a one off refusal does not a relationship break....

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 06/07/2015 09:27

Given that the invitation was extended to you almost as an afterthought only when it transpired that you and your girlfriend had become A Proper Item we can assume, had that not been the case and you were just one of her randoms or weren't even on the scene, that you would not have been invited and she would have had to do bridesmaiding on her own. Therefore I can't see why she gets to have her arse out now when you had already committed to the work thing. Not being able to remember the exact date of something several months in the future, so that you could have turned down the invitation before it was formal, is hardly crime of the century is it? I suspect even if you had said straight away that you were busy that weekend, you might still be having this conversation with your girlfriend. As pp said, it's an invitation, not a summons. It won't ruin the happy couple's day if you don't go but it might well impact on your career if you do. Maybe see if they'll rearrange the wedding to when you ARE available if that's what will make her happy?

Thymeout · 06/07/2015 09:28

Sorry - that's a ridiculous itinerary, with huge potential to go wrong. How often are planes delayed, often by hours? One missed connection and the whole thing goes haywire. It sounds as if you may even have booked the conference before you were a couple. It's far more important than a wedding where she will be the only person who will miss you.

Of course she'll be disappointed but if she makes an issue of this, I'd be wondering about the future of your relationhsip.

CardinalRed · 06/07/2015 09:32

Conference.
You'd be mad to make that journey from France. What about delays etc?
Your GF sounds quite selfish and manipulative if she is putting pressure on you going to make her feel good.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/07/2015 09:37

The way to handle it is to say "sorry, I've a prior commitment. I honour my commitments."

juliej75 · 06/07/2015 09:38

Erm, it's her best friend's wedding and she is bridesmaid - she will barely have time to speak to you because she'll be supporting the bride, organising stuff, catching up with her other friends who will no doubt be there...

The logistics of doing both don't sound feasible. The conference sounds important. The wedding really isn't. The bride and groom won't give a monkeys if you're there or not and if your DP makes a fuss, then you've got some issues to deal with there.

Definitely conference.

FenellaFellorick · 06/07/2015 09:41

conference. It's important for work and you barely know the couple. If you hadn't been in a relationship with her, she'd have gone as a single woman. If this is some sort of 'test', (me or his work, who will win) then she's making a mistake because relationships just can't survive that sort of game and drama. It is unreasonable of her to expect you to do that frankly ridiculous journey so you can hold her hand while she's a bridesmaid. There are a million ways you can show her that she is important to you!

She was invited to a wedding. You had a work conference. you became a couple. You are expected to do a mad dash across europe and over the atlantic in a few hours to prove to her you aren't her ex?

Jen1610 · 06/07/2015 09:43

Absolutely conference and if she even moa about it then she's being massively ur.

You organised it ages ago. It's good for your career. The travelling between the wedding could end in delays. Guessing you don't actually know the couple very well. Also I imagine she accepted the role as a bridesmaid before you got together so was initially planning on being there alone so why does she suddenly need your support to get through it. The day will pass quickly for her anyway with all she will be doing.

If it's a deal breaker then like others, I agree she's spoilt, selfish and you are well rid of her.

JessFine · 06/07/2015 09:50

Do both or do the wedding.

I don't think your dp sounds needy or selfish, she just would like you there.

You'll be creating and cementing relationships that would hopefully last years - work, you can catch up on.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/07/2015 09:51

Conference without a doubt.

Maya15 · 06/07/2015 09:54

Conference.

You can still go to lots of other weddings together. Sorry but a conference is more important and the trip sounds crazy plus as a previous poster said what about delays etc. You might only have one train delay and miss your plane.
I have been to one wedding by myself as my DP just returned from a crazy work trip that involved 3 flights (including one transatlantic one), he was very jet legged and tired and would have had to travel across England for the wedding. No big deal, I knew other people at the wedding and he didn't know the couple well anyway. Next year is one of my best friend's wedding and it looks unlikely that DP can come as he is also going to a conference. (Wedding is in a different country) Again as I know the couple and have lots of other friends there I don't think it is a big deal.
As your DP is a bridesmaid she will be very busy on her duties and hanging out with bride and other bridesmaids. She will have lots of fun with her friends! (and yes it is unfair to blame you for disappointments caused by her ex)

BathtimeFunkster · 06/07/2015 09:56

You'll be creating and cementing relationships that would hopefully last years

A relationship that needs to be "cemented" with the sacrifice of your good professional name because your new girlfriend doesn't think things that are important to you actually matter, has no business lasting for years.

diddl · 06/07/2015 09:56

Why have you even considered doing such a journey or cancelling the conference?

The conference was booked first, you looked at doing both & it isn't possible.

Sure she'd like you there, but you've looked into it& it isn't possible.

So she's back to how it originally was.

Just her.

LineRunner · 06/07/2015 10:01

Maybe her last partner wouldn't go to weddings with her because they were in ridiculous locations.

JessFine · 06/07/2015 10:04

But the conference is non-critical to the op's career.

I guess a relationship shouldn't hinge on this wedding, but it doesn't sound like it is. The op just has a dilemma - dp would be happier if he went, he's not sure whether to cancel his prior engagement.

Cancelling things is (mentally) much harder than booking ime.

Ragwort · 06/07/2015 10:05

Conference of course.

If this is a 'deal breaker' to her I would seriously question her commitment to you, and her maturity, and suggest you break it off first anyway.

Surely grown adults don't behave like that?

I have been married over 27 years and there are loads of occasions - weddings/funerals/christenings/family events etc etc that DH and I have gone to separately over the years - we are separate individuals. I would never dream of insisting my DH accompanied me to something. She sounds incredibly needy and hard work.

Jux · 06/07/2015 10:06

Conference. It's the only one you have funding to go to, so it's really important you go. You could lose funding if you don't use it.

Why is the wedding so important for dp? Is it one of her parents' or her sister or something? Is she MoH? Best 'Man'?

At some point you two are going to have to talk seriously about priorities.

Somersetlady · 06/07/2015 10:07

You will spend most of your time at the wedding alone whilst your DP does her duties.
That much public transport should not be relied upon to get you there as planned -. Especially. In strike heavy France!

As you are speaking at the conference it would be a no brainer for me.

Your DP needs to have respect for you as a person, your career, and your life choices. If she throws a strop at something so trivial as this imagine the bigger mountains you have to climb especially when it comes to life with children!

camaleon · 06/07/2015 10:07

Is this a standard academic conference? One of those with 500 persons speaking and the audience made of the others speaking at any other time? I travel a fair bit and I would not see a problem if you can still make it to the conference. You will be tired but you will also have plenty of time to rest and prepare for paper in the train/plane.

Are you speaking on Monday morning or another day of the week?

If it is the kind of 'annual conference' I am guessing it is (you are 'funded' so it is not a personal invitation made to you) I would have no problem whatsoever with attending the wedding and travelling to the conference afterwards.