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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 06/07/2015 08:10

I would only do one, it sounds pretty crazy travel wise otherwise.

I'm your situation I would probably choose the conference, and send the couple your best wishes.

RattieofCatan · 06/07/2015 08:31

Do the conference, your career is more important than a wedding and if you're in research you need to network. She's being really UR to be putting pressure on you because of how her ex was, it is not your responsibility to make up for her ex being a twat.

FarFromAnyRoad · 06/07/2015 08:35

Conference - without question. You have to keep ahead of the game in times like these and being at a wedding in rural France won't give you that edge. Of course it's understandable she wants you there but I think do what someone suggested up ^ there somewhere - make arrangements to spend some time with the couple and DP after the event.

whois · 06/07/2015 08:37

Conference.

You've hardly been wth your DP for very long, you don't know the other could that well and your DP will be busy doing her important role.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/07/2015 08:42

Conference. Im a "whatever Ive commited to first" type of person. "Im so sorry I didnt realise the date clashed with a Conference in the US".

If your DP is really bothered by it then she seems a bit needy (and immature) to me.

diddl · 06/07/2015 08:44

Conference without a doubt!

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 06/07/2015 08:46

Oh dear ... as a bridesmaid i assume she wants to show you off and has been telling people what a great guy you are. She will now have an awkward day without you. Leaving at 3 is not pointless ... can you go a few days beforehand to make the most of the hotel and support her? Think this maybe a deal breaker.

FuckitFay · 06/07/2015 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 08:51

Polly, that's what I'm worried about in that it becomes a deal breaker for her - I think "rationally", the conference wins - emotionally, the wedding is a big thing for her

OP posts:
Jengnr · 06/07/2015 08:51

Conference. It was already booked.

gatewalker · 06/07/2015 08:53

Deal-breaker? Really???!!

Goodness me, the expectations we put on our partners are frequently unreasonable and childish.

MaidOfStars · 06/07/2015 08:53

I'm a scientist. If I were due to speak at an important conference, only a close family member's funeral would take priority.

Sure, I've refused invitations to speak/attend because of clashes with friends' weddings, holidays, etc. But I wouldn't cancel a pre-booked conference if a clashing social occasion later presented itself.

However, there is a general rule (in my department, anyway) that attending 50% of a conference's programme is a good effort. Do you absolutely have to be there/completely with it on the Monday? When are you schefuled to speak?

ineedabodytransplant · 06/07/2015 08:54

Crikey, I'd invent a conference to save me from a wedding Grin

Seriously, I would either make the difficult trip as it's a one-off or miss the wedding. I certainly wouldn't miss the conference. My roles involves a lot of attending conferences and as been said earlier, a lot of networking goes on. This can be crucial in the future of your career. And having been invited to speak I wouldn't think Skype would be as good as in person.

Flywheel · 06/07/2015 08:56

I would try to do both. Your dp's feelings may not be entirely rational, but it is clearly very important to her. It sounds like her last partner was a bit of a dick. I also think leaving at 3 on the wedding day is reasonable, especially if you are there for a couple of days beforehand for the build up.

MaidOfStars · 06/07/2015 08:58

I think "rationally", the conference wins - emotionally, the wedding is a big thing for her

To reiterate Think, it would be a sign of emotional immaturity for her to stamp her feet over this (she can be disappointed, of course).

If this relationship has legs, this won't be the first time, as a researcher, that your work clashes with your social duties, and sometimes it's the social stuff that gets shunted. She has to get used to it.

My solution was to marry another scientist!

pilates · 06/07/2015 09:02

Another one for conference.

It's not like they are great friends of yours and as your girlfriend will be a bridesmaid there wil be a lot of waiting around on your own. I'm presuming as she is bridesmaid she will be on the top table and you will be with a bunch of strangers.

It certainly shouldn't be a deal breaker and, if it is, you are well out of it.

butterfly133 · 06/07/2015 09:02

Conference, no question. I think she is being utterly ridiculous to ask you to go to the wedding, no offence.

diddl · 06/07/2015 09:02

" emotionally, the wedding is a big thing for her"

It's not her wedding!

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2015 09:03

""we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) ""
""I'm fairly fit, the trip is doable""

I'm going to go against the grain.

I personally think that you haven't been together long enough to call yourself a DP.

Is this a case of a difference in expectations and commitment?

This seems important to your DP, so it's irrelevant what anyone else thinks, Tbh.

You did say to the couple that you would attend, normally on here, the replies would be that it's tough, he needs to fit everything in he committed to, or learn to communicate better.

The dilemma is that it's doable and your DP is going to have to explain why she's attending alone, once again when she's supposed to have a Partner.

Did you know each other before you got together? It may seem to her that your letting her down very quickly.

If she had posted, she would be getting told that you need to grow up and take things seriously (when you attending was first mentioned) and that you should be concentrating on her feelings and not asking the opinions of others.

TheJiminyConjecture · 06/07/2015 09:04

Conference wins for me too.

Weddings are generally a bit dull
Weddings where you are a plus one are worse.
Weddings where the only person you know has a role, even worse still!

gatewalker · 06/07/2015 09:05

While I see some sort of logic in treating your DP differently in light of her previous experience, OP, and jumping through hoops against your own wishes, that is walking the edge of enabling behaviour.

Simply be yourself. You are not like her last partner. By being yourself you are not having to mould yourself to an ideal that fits her patterning, and she might just be able to experience a new form of security being with someone who has an integrity to their actions.

If it's a deal-breaker for her, and you try to do both, you will probably find you end up compromising on a whole lot more in the future, simply not to disappoint her.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/07/2015 09:05

Conference.

You are speaking at this conference, so it is an important prior professional commitment.

Arriving knackered from a ridiculous trip done entirely to soothe your needy girlfriend is not a good idea.

The conference is so much more important than the wedding of people you barely know that I'm amazed you're even wondering about this.

If this woman expects you to damage your career to mollify her neediness, then you might have moved to "partners" too soon.

Nobody would tell a woman to miss out on a once a year professional conference they were presenting at because their quite new boyfriend was making demands based on previous girlfriends' behaviour.

The whole situation is ridiculous. You are your own person. You have a prior commitment that is important for your work. In a relationship that was ever likely to be happy, this would not have arisen.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2015 09:06

She would also be getting asked "does he realise how much this means to you and why".

You're going to have to talk and then you have to decide if her explanation is worth you putting yourself out.

hhhhhhh · 06/07/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/07/2015 09:11

If she had posted, she would be getting told that you need to grow up and take things seriously (when you attending was first mentioned) and that you should be concentrating on her feelings and not asking the opinions of others.

Nonsense.

I'd be telling her to cop the fuck on and stop being such a needy, pathetic gobshite.

And I would never tell anyone that they should be concentrating on their girlfriend's/boyfriend's feelings to the detriment of what was in their own best interests.