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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 06/07/2015 10:10

YANBU. If I were your dp I would be disappointed, but I would understand.

whatsagoodusername · 06/07/2015 10:10

Are they having any sort of party in the area before the wedding?

When I got married, one of my best friends was starting a placement as a doctor the same day, 5 hour flight away. She obviously couldn't come to the wedding, but we had a lot of out-of-town guests so had organised dinners and things for the few days leading up to the wedding and she came to those, then flew off for work. Many location weddings I've been to/heard about have had pre-wedding events leading up to the day for the arriving guests.

If they are, try to go to that bit, then leave the day of the wedding. Your DP will have been able to show you off beforehand and you will be superfluous for most of the wedding day anyway.

Teabagbeforemilk · 06/07/2015 10:10

If she posted I would tell her the same.

It's a shame, but the conference is books and he should go. And also that she should punish him for past relationships

FishWithABicycle · 06/07/2015 10:11

If it's important to DP that you are there then I would go to the wedding, but don't drink a lot, bow out early and get a decent night's sleep (possibly sleeping in a different room to your beloved so she does wake you at 3am when she comes to bed pissed) and do the long journey.

Even if you skipped the wedding altogether and went to the conference earlier you'd still be a zombie on Monday due to jetlag that takes several days to recover from.

If your DP wouldn't be satisfied with that and would feel just as miffed at you not carousing till 3am as if you never came, then might as well nor bother and skip the wedding altogether.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 10:15

Sorry, I'm trying to answer as many questions as possible - it is one of those academic conferences with people speaking also being the audience - I am speaking on Tuesday, so again, it is feasible.

I'm noting that the majority think the conference is the rational solution, but I'm noting the minority who think it is possible to do both - and whether I should really risk the complicated trip

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 06/07/2015 10:16

Would be interested to know how old she is and whether yours is the first (or only serious) relationship she's had, at least for a while

I suspect she wants to 'parade' you (in the nicest possible way) as 'my new DP' and introduce you around ,as I assume she and the bride may have mutual friends . I doubt very much if its about the wedding/supporting her per se . There will be other occasions when she can do this in future . And it is after all the best man's duty to escort her...
I'd go to the conference and send nice apologetic note to bride and groom (who won't give a toss anyway)
I too have gone to 'events' without DH over the years .I suppose if you are secure in a relationship it's a bit different but if she makes a big deal of it , I'd wonder why . If you do end up 'together for ever' it will be important that she understands the demands of your job (as I'm sure you do hers). And if you have DCs togther , it maybe you become major/only breadwinner if she wants to SAHM (I'm getting ahead of myself here but you get my drift) I'd be proud that my DP had been asked to present at a major conference

FenellaFellorick · 06/07/2015 10:18

You're speaking on tuesday? How long is the conference? Is it feasible to miss the monday? Go to the wedding, leave on the sunday, have an easier trip over, get to the hotel monday, relax monday, speak tuesday, enjoy the rest of the conference?

If that was an option, I'd probably try that. Otherwise I go back to my first post. Conference.

Maya15 · 06/07/2015 10:19

Your DP needs to have respect for you as a person, your career, and your life choices. If she throws a strop at something so trivial as this imagine the bigger mountains you have to climb especially when it comes to life with children!

This!

camaleon · 06/07/2015 10:20

To be honest, you don't seem too interested in this wedding for whatever reasons. The conference is giving you a excuse. I guess you would not be leaving much earlier with or without the wedding. If the conference starts on Monday and you speak on Tuesday, why would you be there any time before Sunday?
The wedding is adding to the trip but not in the way of your conference. If you were speaking on Monday and IF this was an event to which you have been personally invited rather than putting yourself forward and paying the fees for it, I would say No to the wedding. The chances of missing a connection and missing your talk after all would be too high.

In your current circumstances I would not be happy if I was your partner and you were letting me down for this.

DelightfulFunky · 06/07/2015 10:24

Conference definitely.

I know I'm probably being a cow but I would also question someone who is putting pressure on me to do a trains, planes, automobiles trip to attend a wedding with them. Understand her disappointment but she should also be happy that her DP is a responsible employee who takes his job seriously.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 10:24

The point of the conference is that it's three days long (Mon - Wed) with Sunday having some informal events - I'm not therefore too fussed about the Sunday, although it would be nice to be there - but it seems a waste to fly across the Atlantic for just Tuesday and Wednesday. I think if it were a four or five day conference, missing a day wouldn't be too bad.

OP posts:
HaleMary · 06/07/2015 10:24

Conference without question. And absolutely to your partner respecting your work, choices etc. Work is more important than weddings, for me. Even my own. Am an academic, and was almost late for my own scruffy registry office wedding, because I was giving a lengthy post-doc phone reference for a doctoral student of mine.

HaleMary · 06/07/2015 10:25

And no, I wouldn't be considering the complicated and unnecessary journey across rural France, frankly.

RiverTam · 06/07/2015 10:27

But why should he be interested in the wedding? It's not his friend getting married, he probably won't know many or any people and his DP is s bridesmaid so he'll be on his own a lot of the time. Sounds pretty crap to me.

Conference wins. I would take the opportunity to have a good look at this relationship.

Mamus · 06/07/2015 10:27

Conference, no question. And if that's a deal breaker for your dp, well, then, she was never a keeper.

Spog · 06/07/2015 10:30

Go to the conference.
Don't bother with the wedding at all.

your DP evidently has some issues.
she's probably delighted with herself that he has a boyfriend again and was looking forward to showing you off at the wedding and not being the single lady there.
she'll just have to get over it, i'm afraid.
if i were you, i would have no fear over this. you are entitled to fulfil your work commitments without recourse from your girlfriend.
i would absolutely refuse point blank to be railroaded into attending this wedding.
sounds like your DP needs to cop herself on and i would tell her so.

OnlyLovers · 06/07/2015 10:31

Your partner is being Very U about this! That amount of travel just isn't reasonable.

If you're feeling generous then you could, as others suggest, tell the couple and your DP that you'll arrange a nice meet-up when they're back from honeymoon, to soften the blow.

Ragwort · 06/07/2015 10:31

I can't believe you are even giving this so much consideration - the journey across France will be difficult, plus the travel across the Atlantic - all for a wedding Hmm - why is your DP so desperate to have you there, does she want to 'show you off', isn't she an independent adult who can go to a wedding of one of her friends on her own?

My DH's friend ended up marrying someone like this - she is so needy and demanding that she can't even go to Tesco on her own. Grin. Needless to say she has 'stopped' her DH for meeting up with his old friends and he is drippy enough to put up with it.

Just say that you have a prior commitment. End of discussion.

camaleon · 06/07/2015 10:31

The OP does not need to chose between conference and wedding. Both are totally compatible. It is not whether boltofblue decides one or another. It is whether or not the hassle of the trip is worth it.

Ragwort · 06/07/2015 10:33

Perhaps you also need to ask yourself why you seem so desperate to please your partner - is it really an equal relationship between two adults? Or does one of you seem to have emotional control over the other?

HaleMary · 06/07/2015 10:33

Yes, a bit of me is wondering quite why it's such an issue that someone who is herself going to perhaps be quite busy doing bridesmaid-y things during the wedding is putting quite so much pressure on a partner who can't possibly know the bride or groom well, or possibly many other guests, to trek to rural France in order to sit at a table by himself or make polite conversation - when he's got an important, if not utterly, utterly crucial work event that clashes...?

HaleMary · 06/07/2015 10:33

Yes, Ragwort.

MuddlingMackem · 06/07/2015 10:36

Another vote for conference.

Haven't read all of the responses so somebody else may already have said this, but if she's a bridesmaid you're not actually going to be with her much, if at all, so you'll spend most of the day hanging around like a spare part and if you don't know people to catch up with it's a waste of an invitation.

Back out and let the bride and groom invite somebody they actually want there.

Maya15 · 06/07/2015 10:47

I like the suggestion of a previous poster that you could take her and the couple to a nice dinner before or after the wedding.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/07/2015 10:47

Personally I'd take a trip to France with a loved one over a non-essential academic conference every time. But each to their own!

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