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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:
nmg85 · 06/07/2015 12:15

Would she cancel for you if it was the other way round? That is the question you should ask yourself.

mrsmilkymoo · 06/07/2015 12:18

Conference. DH is an academic and I know would pick the conference every time. He even missed my phd graduation for a conference! But the networking side is important as that's what will help you to get jobs in the future. And if you went to the wedding, your dp would probably be so busy with her bridesmaid duties that you wouldn't even spend much time with her.

RandomFriend · 06/07/2015 12:20

missmoon I was also thinking of those chance scenarios when I wrote "nothing will change if you don't go" - in the kind of scenario, everything changes from having attended a conference. But those situations are rare.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 06/07/2015 12:23

Do the couple getting married actually live in rural France or are they one of those selfish couples who are making everyone travel for hours because they only consider their own wishes?

The journey across France then to travelling on to the US is madness to even consider doing when you need to be alert to speak at the conference. I know it will be upsetting for your DP if you can't go with her, but part of being in an adult relationship is being able to compromise and cope when things don't go to plan. This is a very good test to see how strong the two of you can be as a couple. If your DP makes this into a huge argument or throws a tantrum I would start to question whether you can have a long term future together.

fancyanotherfez · 06/07/2015 12:29

If this relationship has legs, your work is going to new moire important in the losing run to both of you than being the show boyfriend at her friends wedding.

I'd try and do both and ask if you can swap round your speaking bit for a bit later if you can. If not, I vote conference. If you feel she's worth it, she should not feel that you missing out on a wedding would be a deal breaker. If you can't do both, make it up to her. Take her for a lovely weekend afterwards or before, apologise a million times to her and her friend, text/ facetime her during the reception, whatever you need to do.

fancyanotherfez · 06/07/2015 12:31

That first sentence should say'more important in the long run!'

Alanna1 · 06/07/2015 12:33

Conference.

But could you do any of it and have an OK travel to conference? Eg a friday night and then leave on the sat?

saintlyjimjams · 06/07/2015 12:35

Bin the wedding & go to the conference. I'd only be doing stupid trips & dashes across countries to accommodate a sibling's wedding or best friend - not if I was a plus 1!

Conferences are important if you're an academic. Your dp should realise that really (or needs to realise it).

nelipotter · 06/07/2015 12:41

Both. It is hard to cancel a conference that you recieve specific funding for, but...
When you are fresh in love and you want to show your boyf to your friends and family, well, those are important events.

In my relationship my DP doesn't meet a lot of my friends, family and acquaintances, for various reasons, and it always means a lot to me to have him come along even to dinner parties. I understand when he can't, but only when he really can't. I would be devastated if he could attend a big function and didn't. Sometimes part of a relationship is fronting up and being the charming partner she needs. This relationship is early days, but go the extra mile and do both.
Take some valium for the plane, get a good nap in, you'll be right! Smile

rookiemere · 06/07/2015 12:50

YANBU.

Conference - it's the only one that you have funding for each year and you are a speaker. Yes I'm sure they could find another speaker, but it doesn't look good to your employers or those who fund you if you say you aren't going because of a wedding.

Don't go to the wedding as well - the travelling sounds horrendous.

TBH your DP should understand this, she sounds a bit of a pampered princess. Sure she'd like you to be there, but you've looked into it and the logistics of doing both are unfeasible and unnecessarily arduous for you and for the sake of your career you need to go to the conference. I'd be a bit meh about having to make up for the failings of an ex - particularly as the conference has been booked for a long time.

OnlyLovers · 06/07/2015 12:51

When you are fresh in love and you want to show your boyf to your friends and family, well, those are important events.

I think that's a very immature attitude and if that's why the OP's DP is doing it, she's not being reasonable or grown-up.

And those saying it's fine, the OP can still make it for his own paper, he'll just be a bit tired, he has said that an important part of the conference is the mingling and meeting people that goes along with it. He can't do so much of that if he arrives in the dead of Sunday night and only 'joins in' the conference when he gives his paper.

WayneRooneysHair · 06/07/2015 12:51

I'd do the conference no question, there's too much risk of going to the wedding and regretting it because of delays. If you barely know the couple then they won't miss you, just send them a bottle of wine or something., I feel slightly bad for your DP but think of your stress levels and the fact that you wouldn't be tired at the conference.

WhyTheDrama · 06/07/2015 13:10

Conference - it's a no-brainer.

nelipotter · 06/07/2015 13:27

Only Lovers thinks it's immature, but I know at big weddings and funerals it's the only time my partner gets to meet my oldest friends and family who only gather for the big events. And they get to meet him too. I don't understand why more people don't prioritize those extended relationships?
Family and friendship are important, and become harder to maintain as we get older and more bogged down with responsibilities.
WayneRonneysHair says the couple won't miss him, but they won't meet him either. This best friend of your partner is going to be in her life forever, if you really can't make it try and take some time to get to know her. Boyfriends come and go, besties are forever. If you plan on sticking around....

(Also, you should be flattered she is so excited abut taking you. You know what they say, be with someone who wants to show you to EVERYONE)

rookiemere · 06/07/2015 13:34

That's true neilpotter, weddings are an occasion to meet people.

However dependant on OP's age which I suspect is 20s, then it's not like there is never going to be another one. My work colleague who's 32 has spent pretty much every weekend since March going to a wedding ( hasn't quite gotten him to take the hint and propose to his GF of 8 years).

It's easy to romanticize these things, but now is also the time to push ahead with your career, before you become older and more bogged down with responsibilities.

IMHO any partner who makes a deal breaker out of wedding attendance under these particular set of circumstances is not the one.

camaleon · 06/07/2015 13:36

nelipotter, I am with you on this one. I am an academic, I travel quite a bit and I have children, which means most of the time I arrive to whatever event a few hours in advance and leave very soon afterwards. Many writing here seem to have a much more exciting and fruitful experience than me at this kind of conference but that is another topic of discussion all together.

In this particular scenario is not a 'conference or wedding question'. If it was, you may or may not have a dilemma depending on your priorities. It is a 'Conference only' or 'conference after wedding and a bit of extra travel' question.

Many of us have lived in places without an airport around the corner and every conference/workshop/fieldtrip meant many flights/trains and possible delays. We still don't take a week off in advance to make it to the event.

I cannot imagine a situation where my partner would not go to a wedding with me under the circumstances described here. I guess the OP would still arrive on Sunday to his conference/Saturday night. It is about whether or not he wants to be bothered with the wedding.

camaleon · 06/07/2015 13:40

I want to add that many are portraying the partner as 'needy' and immature, etc.

In my opinion, the very immature thing to do is to 'threaten' to 'cancel' a conference that has already been paid for. The OP is putting his partner in a 'no-brainer' situation. How would she be selfish enough to require that kind of cancellation? Nobody would do that. I doubt the OP has actually considered this seriously. It is only a way of putting pressure on her and to get rid of the wedding.

If you don't feel like going to the wedding, apologize, say it is too much and that you would like to be as fresh as possible for the conference. Do not make this about scarifying your professional development for a wedding.

Flywheel · 06/07/2015 13:48

I still say both. You mention the risk of delays, but as your session is on the Tuesday the consequences aren't dire. It's one long day of travel. Sure, it's a bit of hassle, but surely worth the effort when you know it means so much to your partner.
I'm surprised so many are saying conference only. I attend a lot of conferences and the travel arrangements wouldn't phase me in the slightest. I also think the most important networking opportunities occur after you have spoken so people know what you're doing.

mariposa10 · 06/07/2015 13:48

She's being unreasonable and controlling. You can't and shouldn't have to miss a work event to go to a wedding of someone you barely know. She shouldn't even be asking you.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 13:51

I do appreciate those who are saying I can manage both - I think in my situation, I'm not that experienced a traveller relative to others (although I have been to nearly all the continents now bar Australia and Africa). It's the number of steps that phases me a little - car + train + flight + train or additional flight + taxi

OP posts:
Flywheel · 06/07/2015 13:55

Completely manageable and train journeys can be quite relaxing. A good opportunity to brush up on your presentation.

nmg85 · 06/07/2015 13:56

There are to many steps that could go wrong. One small delay could cause issues for the whole journey.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 06/07/2015 13:56

I would just do the conference, unless the wedding was for someone I was very close to which you aren't. It's a shame but no one needs "supporting" at a wedding.

Original poster
boltofblue · 06/07/2015 13:59

It's interesting the split between those who think of it as a difficult journey and those that think it's a cakewalk!

OP posts:
Thymeout · 06/07/2015 14:00

Yes - each change of transport involves the risk of a missed connection. OK if you were only flying Paris to NYC. But it's the add-ons at each end that make it so nerve-wracking. And Sunday is the day you'll be free to network. If you miss that, you'll feel as if you're catching up for the rest of it.