... to not go to this wedding?

[boltofblue]

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

I suppose with all these arguments, it's not about the wedding - it feels a little as if it's about control and no not being an option

Has she told you that 'no' is not an option?

Yes - watch out for the 'If you really, really loved me, you'd do as I want.' It's more than a little about control.

She's being ridiculous - memories that you'll look back on in your 80's? You don't seem to be on the same page at all.

she hasn't explicitly said it, no. It's a feeling. It's getting so upset every time we talk about it

How did you end up being invited as well?

Have you "officially" accepted iyswim?

It's also a no brainer to me tbh.

Prior engagement & the travelling means that you can't do both imo.

Or even that won't do both.

I think that she is expecting too much from you.

Are you engaged? Are you planning on marrying this woman? The only reason I'm asking this is that you may not even be together to share the memories when you look back and you're in your 80s.

That's a shame that she is behaving as you say. Have you been to any other weddings with her? Can you point out that at those weddings the bridesmaids weren't sitting with their partners but at the top table and how they were kept busy doing things 'bridal' related and how by the time the wedding photos (which you wont be in) will be done and the meal (that you wont be sitting beside her at) and then comes the dancing (by which time you'll be preparing to leave for your conference) she really wont have missed you on the day and that you'll be so much happier to hear all her stories even if they bore you about the day when you return from your conference.

I really can't see how this is becoming such an issue. The conference has been paid for by your employer. Your employer is expecting you to be there for it all. This is a no brainer to me. She sounds quite immature to be honest if she doesn't get that a work related conference trumps her 'friend that you've never met' wedding.

Struggling to see it from her side - My dp had told me that he was going on a work conference after a friend of mine said that they were getting married. He didn't realise that they were on the same weekend and now I really really want him to be there at the wedding. Why can't he understand how important this is for me to have him there??? That's about the best I can come up with and I'd still be saying to her - You shouldn't be stopping his progress in his field of work for the sake of a weddding. Sure wont there be vow-renewals in a few years time???

OP I totally get that "the more you push the more I'll dig my feet in" feeling. I would get it too

FWIW I think it's a no brainer - conference

I always laugh at the "oh I trek barefoot across the pyrenees and then catch an interconinental flight to Outer Mongolia then a mule train to Treacle Bumstead every day and then perform open heart surgery for 12 hours without even thinking about it" type posts on threads like this.

It seems to me that people who travel regularly should be the ones that are most aware of how exhausting and unpredictable it can be yet they are the ones saying "yeah, do it you wimp"

then a mule train to Treacle Bumstead

Where is Treacle Bumstead? I quite fancy going. Not on the same weekend as a wedding in France, though.

It's on the outskirts of the Arse End of Nowhere onlylovers

You should do both.

The only things that will be different to you leaving from the UK is the trip to the Paris airport and you'll be about 12 hours later than you want to be? If getting to Paris is stressing you out, get a taxi and get up extra early on Sunday so if it doesn't turn up there's time to get another one arranged. The 12 hours later thing doesn't matter as you're missing some social events on the Sunday, not the main thing. I get you're intimidated, but sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and get on with it, or you turn into a boring person.

Either way, make a decision and stick to it and stop having endless discussions with her that are winding you both up.

FWIW, if I were her, I would dump you if you didn't go to the wedding, not because I would be at the wedding on my own, but because I would think you would be someone that would cop out when things got a bit inconvenient.

Memories to share? DH and I have been together for 30 years, and the only things we really remember about other people's weddings are the times when someone has been a complete arsehole. Everything else is a weddingy blur of speeches, catered food and hanging around.

Bust your balls to do both if you don't want to miss out on the chance of witnessing some class wankery, but chances are it'll be pretty standard.

Stop talking about it.

Tell her you've decided not to go, book your conference travel accordingly, and let that be an end to it.

You are under no obligation to do what she wants.

This whole drama over a wedding is ridiculous.

Two people you don't know are having a party miles away. It's not worth any more brain space.

Will you be expected to spend all your holidays and money going to the Australian wedding next year?

You'd dump someone for not accompanying youto a wedding of people he's never met, at vast time, stress and inconvenience - not to mention money? Christ some of you are high maintenance - that's the polite version!

Ah, thanks, Bit.

FWIW, if I were her, I would dump you if you didn't go to the wedding, not because I would be at the wedding on my own, but because I would think you would be someone that would cop out when things got a bit inconvenient.

Pa-ha-hahahaa! That's hilarious. things getting 'a bit inconvenient'? There's a world of difference between copping out of 'inconvenient' things like financial or health problems, and preferring to stick to a prearranged important work commitment rather than schlepping to a wedding just so your insecure partner can show you off. Get a grip.

petalunicorn I 100% agree with this statement you made:
Either way, make a decision and stick to it and stop having endless discussions with her that are winding you both up.

However, I disagree with this statement completely:
FWIW, if I were her, I would dump you if you didn't go to the wedding, not because I would be at the wedding on my own, but because I would think you would be someone that would cop out when things got a bit inconvenient.

boltofblue "Honestly, I feel as if she's being unreasonable about this completely- I know weddings are important (I'm not a massive fan) but the more she gets upset about this, the more I feel annoyed with it. I don't know the couple, I've not even met the groom, it's impractical, expensive. It seems as if no just isn't even an option for her on this"

I think she is being hugely unreasonable about this and I think you have been incredibly patient. The first thing I thought when I saw your post was "If I wanted to watch people I've never met get married, I'll put a DVD on"!! I hear several alarm bells here, I'm sorry. but 1) this is her attitude to a work event?! 2) this is her level of co-dependency 3) the thing about "memories when you are 80" - what?! I would have thought a couple at 80 would have far happier memories than "the time I went to the wedding of poeple I didn't know and was pooped at a professional event because of it".

I would give a really firm no, otherwise you're setting yourself up for guilt trips over many pointless things in future. But on a personal level, there is no way I could be with someone this dependent. I know a lot of people are like that and a lot of people think that is what a relationship is about. But I don't and I suspect you don't either.

OP you've got nearly 300 answers. The vast majority say "conference". A few say "do both". Nobody says "just the wedding"

I think you have your answer - I think we have just validated what you knew yourself when you posted

I hope the conference is a huge success for you and I hope your DP has a lovely time at the wedding

"FWIW, if I were her, I would dump you if you didn't go to the wedding, not because I would be at the wedding on my own, but because I would think you would be someone that would cop out when things got a bit inconvenient."

petalunicorn, are you bunking off school again?

Wow what a nightmare! I think she's being very unreasonable I have to say. I'm assuming you have been discussing it properly? The only reason I ask that is because I had an exdp who's version of discussing difficult things involved him saying a few words and then leaving the house in frustration, it was a bit of a head fuck tbh.

Don't stress yourself out trying to do two things, just go to the conference. She's going to have lots of bridesmaid duties to do anyway, and you don't even know the couple.

She probably wants to show you off to her friends- which is lovely, but logic and maturity needs to kick in, trying to get to the wedding isn't feasible. Could it be that she also wants to send wedding hints in your direction?

Have a great time at the conference.

Is this the only chance you will have to make memories together?

Do only memories of weddings count?

Maybe she's worried her friends will think she's got another one like that last one who would never attend weddings.

It should have gone like this:

Did you say wedding was on 29 september?
Yes
Oh, well I can't make it, then - shit, sorry. That's the same time as my conference in the US.
Oh, you're joking?! I was really looking forward to showing you off and having a lovely little holiday in France.
Sorry, love/darling/booboo/skwunchynose. I was looking forward to lots of sexytimes with you in that beret and me with my baguette, too.

Twat! [rolls eyes] Oh well, don't worry. We'll just have to have a little trip somewhere ourselves. Bob and Louise are going to think I've got another wedding dodger like Tim. urgh.
Soz, babes [quick apologetic kiss]
What shall we have for dinner?

There must be something a bit more deepseated even if she's just always been either single or let down by ex at weddings and what a fucking drudge that is. (I speak with experience)

Can't you go the the wedding in oz with her next year

If you were good friends with the Bride and Groom then I'd say make the extra effort and do both.

As it is I vote conference.
It's the most sensible thing.

Your girlfriend will be kept occupied with her bridesmaid duties and she'll know other people at the event.
You arrive at your conference in good form and do your stuff.

Two thoughts, could you send a video message to your g/f wishing everyone well on the day and then could you arrange a good night with dinner for the bride and groom to show you some photos after they get back from honeymoon and then you can acquaint yourself with both of them and make all the right adoring noises about how lovely your g/f looked.

You've over thought and over debated all of this, don't make the same mistake with the next event.

She will have 50 years' worth of memories to look back on between now and her 80s. There'll be other big occasions, other weddings.

What would happen if you missed the wedding? She'd be disappointed, but actually nothing earth shattering.

If you miss the conference, what could happen? You could miss impressing someone with your work, which could impact your career; you could be thought of less well by your colleagues and the funding body, which could also impact badly on your career.

She doesn't sound like she understands your position at all. Is this becoming a "come to the wedding or we split up" scenario?

Apart from anything else classic MN etiquette rules apply.

You committed to the conference invitation first and it would be rude to turn up a day late because you got another invitation.

She is making memories Unfortunately, they aren't very good memories.

The OP and his girlfriend have only been going less than a year - it's worrying that the girlfriend is being so unreasonable.