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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"has she got a boyfriend" ? FUCK OFF

211 replies

trufflehunterthebadger · 04/07/2015 07:06

SIL (and many other people apparently) seem absolutely fixated with DD having a "boyfriend"

"Has she got a BF yet ?"
"Ah, she has got a crush on uncle x"
"That boy is rough because he likes you"

DD is 5. WTF is wrong with people ? aibu that this topic ends up in me cutting off the person asking the fucking stupid vapid question quite curtly ? DD really likes SIL's husband and the other day it was "aww, she's got a crush on him, look, she won't leave him alone" . MIL is nearly as bad

Has anyone had this ? Why on earth do people do it ?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 04/07/2015 18:52

DS was chased by a girl at school when for ages when he was about 6-7 and it was totally encouraged by the mother. DS was mortified. I was really appalled at some of the language surrounding him being harrassed..."oooh they're going to get married" lots of other shit and general teasing

People used to laugh and I was mortified...I thought it was maybe me being the odd one

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 19:00

No, Oldraver, it's not you, it's them. It's quite one thing for children to decide they have boyfriends/girlfriends and I think that's normal. It comes from them and as long as it's not a coerced thing, it's innocent and harmless.

====

I imagine the posters/lurkers who do refer to their children as 'sexy' or who perpetuate the boyfriend/girlfriend madness, will steer clear of this thread now. There are seemingly quite a few posters who were sadly not protected as well as they should have been when they were children. I count myself among them and hope that this thread becomes a cautionary tale and makes some people think a bit more about what they're actually doing and facilitating/enabling others to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2015 19:20

I was about to ask, if your dd was 15, but 5 fgs. Yes they would be told to feck off, she's a baby fgs! Yes all those statements are weird and inappropriate.

Lutrine · 04/07/2015 19:47

Yanbu! I hate this and also dislike hearing people say their baby or toddler sons are 'flirting'. I recently smiled at a baby and commented on his lovely smile, his mother replied 'oh is he flirting with you?! he always does that. You should see him chatting up all the old ladies in the cafe" It seems to be a bit of a trend to say it around here, in a kind of ironic, self deprecating (well, not self....it's their child they're putting down!) way and it's horrible!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/07/2015 20:40

I don't know, I hate children being referred to as 'sexy', but that interacting thing babies do has been called 'flirting' for an awfully long time, probably way back when 'flirting' had less of a sexual overtone.

And I've noticed that babies do tend to do it to attractive people of the opposite sex. And they tend to stop it when they are toddlers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 20:56

Children and babies can be charming, they can engage very easily with people they sense like them. Dogs do similar; they can sense when people like them and fall over themselves for attention from that person. They're not flirting either.

To use the phrase 'flirting' is inappropriate. Just because some people misused the phrase and has done for a long period of time doesn't mean that it should be continued. I mean, we stopped using lots of offensive words that were commonplace way back when.

Does it really need saying? What is wrong with some parents nowadays? Are they just stupid or is there something more going on in their tiny minds? We're supposed to protect children, not expose them and that is definitely what some people are doing.

Roussette · 04/07/2015 21:08

To 'flirt' means to behave as though sexually attracted to someone. How can a baby or a child do that? And how, in the name of all that is holy, would a baby flirt with attractive people of the opposite sex?

They are babies FFS, they open their eyes and smile with a human being who engages with them. This is not flirting and 'the opposite sex' has nothing to do with it. It is a baby learning to interract.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 21:13

Everything about a baby/children is geared for their survival, that's what they do. It's in their best interests to engage with people who will help them/do things for them.

There are some really screwed up people out there and lots of them seem to have babies and children, it's sickening the way excuses are being made for being a noxious parent.

LHReturns · 04/07/2015 21:42

I have been pondering this, because a few clearly sensible (not thick) posters have dared to suggest that 'flirt' might be 'ok'.

I wonder if perhaps there are some differences of interpretation here. I don't for a second believe that anyone on this thread believes that a baby or toddler is flirting to mean sexual attraction(at least I hope not!). I am defending all your views here when I cautiously propose that those of you who have so passionately torn down anyone who suggests a baby could flirt (I was one to be torn down) are quite rightly imagining something weird and a ridiculously premature beginnings of loss of innocence. I entirely agree with the negative responses to this notion, so I don't need anyone to explain this again. The point has been made very clear on the thread.

I am not proposing or defending an alternative position, I am merely suggesting that some posters might have different interpretation of the word 'flirt'. (I do NOT include 'sexy' here, for me there is no room for interpretation with that word).

Or example, some people are known to 'flirt' with both men and women at work on a daily basis. Others would say they are simply engaging with people on a personal level, and good relationships help to further one's career. They would be outraged at the suggestion that flirting is involved. Who is right? It is a matter of personal perception.

Speaking personally my mother is American, and refers to babies flirting in the most innocent way you could imagine. She is also the most buttoned up, over-protective, small-town, naive, former cheerleader you could possibly imagine. She would faint at the suggestion that her words could cause offence - she just wouldn't get it! She adores children and would say flirt to mean exactly what has been rightly stated in this thread...a friendly baby learning to engage with the world in a positive way. She just happens to call it flirting, with no mental connection with how adults flirt whatsoever. Almost like an entirely different verb. I'm not saying this is a good thing, I am just saying I don't think it is as offensive as posters here might quickly conclude. You might not like the choice of word, but it isn't actually disgusting or offensive.

While I assume we all agree that sexualisation of children is revolting, and absolutely let them be children for as long as possible, I am simply asking if there may be more innocent explanations for any disagreements on this subject which are less offensive than we all fear.

There is no need to all jump down my throat now...I am just keeping this thread alive as I think it is a really interesting one and I have got value from everything you have all shared.

Marmiteandjamislush · 04/07/2015 21:45

YANBU at all. The uncle comment is worst of all. bleuggghr! I would just give her a death stare and say something along the lines of: 'Can you not hear how inappropriate that sounds/ is?'

Egosumquisum · 04/07/2015 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LHReturns · 04/07/2015 21:55

My point precisely! Everyone has a personal perception of flirting...I happen to agree with you. But that wasn't the main point I was making anyway, so not important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 22:04

I think you are trying to defend your position, LHR, because of your mother perhaps. Your prerogative but no, 'flirting' isn't a benign word and children/babies do not flirt. You think that posters are 'sensible' because you used the term yourself, it's obviously not nice to think of posters using the term as 'thick' but that doesn't mean that they aren't. Your latest post just seems like excusing the use of the term to me. I disagree with you.

I'm not jumping down your throat either so there's no need to put these 'estoppels' in with every post. You have your views, I have mine and others think what they think.

LHReturns · 04/07/2015 22:11

Fair enough LyingWitch...but I'm certainly not trying to defend my position. I clearly climbed down earlier to feedback on the thread, that stands for me, and what my mother thinks or does is of no consequence to me. I am nearly 40 and am nothing like her in nearly all ways.

It was nothing more than the offer of a perspective as this is an interesting thread, and didn't want it to become identical post after identical post.

If I was trying to defend my position I don't think this would be a wise thread to do it on!

MarchLikeAnAnt · 04/07/2015 22:17

YANBU it turns my stomach to hear such language being used about children, its sickening.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 22:43

The 'flirting' thing is less offensive to me than the 'sexy' thing, LHR. I don't mean to insinuate anything about your mum or your homelife or childhood. If you have read the thread you'll see that there are some posters who have come a cropper of some lax parenting attitudes, including me, and it colours my judgement somewhat. I'm not like my mum either, much as I love her.

It might be an interesting thread in abstract but it's clearly a loaded thread for some as you can see.

ouryve · 04/07/2015 22:47

Wait until she's losing teeth "because she's been kissing boys".

Makes my own teeth itch.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/07/2015 22:50

I get what you are saying LHR. I think that historically, flirting has been used to describe that cute interaction that babies do. Used by people giving it no sexual connotation whatsoever, people who would never dream of calling a child "sexy".

"Flirting" can describe all sorts of exchanges, the sun flirts with the flowers, people flirt with danger. Nothing to do with anything sexual.

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 05/07/2015 01:28

FIVE?????????// jesus

carelesswhisper87 · 05/07/2015 02:04

Jesus I thought you were going to say she's 15/16/17 from the thread title. No - you ANBU - your child is just that - a child. Very strange question to be asking... Hmm

Andrewofgg · 05/07/2015 20:55

I thought of this thread this afternoon and especially of ^"Ah, she has got a crush on uncle x".

Big family gathering, among others two of DW's nieces, now grown up and one with a baby of her own, who liked me as children - and various cousins' children including several girls who came and talked to me because they like talking to me and vice versa.

I - and their parents - would have been beyond angry if anyone had suggested that they had "a crush" on Uncle Andrew. No such damned thing and the suggestion would be offensive.

Mygardenistoobig · 05/07/2015 21:00

Omg.

I'm speechless.

Mygardenistoobig · 05/07/2015 21:02

And yes I'd be pissed off if I was mingling with sickos like this and my dcs are teenagers.

EllieFAntspoo · 05/07/2015 21:50

Why not warn them to change their mannerisms or exclude the pervy relatives from your children's' lives? If they take offence, that's their problem and it solves yours. Parents are the only people responsible for protecting their children, and if you want to protect your 5 yo from the sexiness of the way your relatives' see them, tell them to get the F out of your house, and don't go to theirs.

Alternatively, tolerate it. Turn the other cheek. Pretend it is innocent. Roll the dice and take your chances with DD's innocence. What's the worst that can happen, eh?

HalestormRock · 05/07/2015 21:53

Along similar lines - I remember when i was around 6/7 and one of my dads friends saying that he wanted to 'marry' me when I grew up. I remember vividly not knowing how to respond, and worrying about seeing him again.

I took him seriously, as children take things so literally, and it really really worried me. I remember thinking how I did not want to marry him as he scared me, but couldnt say anything to my dad as he was such a good friend. Really wish people would consider the consequences of what they say !

Even now, 30 odd years later it makes me cringe.