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AIBU?

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Original poster

"has she got a boyfriend" ? FUCK OFF

211 replies

trufflehunterthebadger · 04/07/2015 07:06

SIL (and many other people apparently) seem absolutely fixated with DD having a "boyfriend"

"Has she got a BF yet ?"
"Ah, she has got a crush on uncle x"
"That boy is rough because he likes you"

DD is 5. WTF is wrong with people ? aibu that this topic ends up in me cutting off the person asking the fucking stupid vapid question quite curtly ? DD really likes SIL's husband and the other day it was "aww, she's got a crush on him, look, she won't leave him alone" . MIL is nearly as bad

Has anyone had this ? Why on earth do people do it ?

OP posts:
CruCru · 04/07/2015 09:10

It's fucking irritating when you get asked this when you're a teen. I was a short, dumpy, spotty, nerdy 13 /14 year old and no one fancied me. It's just uncomfortable.

FloraPost · 04/07/2015 09:23

Someone I know does this with her own DDs who are 3 and 4. She makes them kiss and cuddle people just so she can take photos. When she tells them to do it to my DSs I remind them straight away that they don't have to if they don't want to. I think it's a really dangerous mindset to encourage in girls.

Sansarya · 04/07/2015 09:30

Agree FloraPost. I'd also like to see an end to comments like "he's only teasing you because he likes you" and "he's being rough because he fancies you." As a PP said, downright dangerous and also fucking stupid.

vdbfamily · 04/07/2015 09:33

I have found quite a few parents like this at my kids primary school. They seem excited when their young child pairs up with another child and seem to encourage it. It was one of the reasons I withdrew my kids from the year 3/4 sex ed. It was the Channel 4 material but there was a lot of talk about boyfriends and girlfriends. Although it did state that it was perfectly normal not to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at this age(7-9) it also went on to say that for those who did some might just hang out together at school,some might hold hands and go for walks together and some might enjoy kissing. I really did not want that normalised for my 7 year old daughter who I hope will enjoy a few more years before she worries about having a boyfriend! FWIW, the other content of the sex ed for that class ie puberty is something I discuss with all my kids so I am not burying my head in the sand by withdrawing them, I am telling them what they need to know when they need it.

Pagalee · 04/07/2015 09:36

I thought you were going to say your DD was 18 or something, OP. I still would have felt sorry for your her if she was being harangued about 'boyfriends' even at that age!

But 5 yrs old? What is wrong with people?! Deeply weird.

tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 09:39

Surely it would be balanced with the fact that they can have platonic friends of either age? I don't think it is normal at all for 7-9 year olds to have boyfriends/ girlfriends is it? Happy to be corrected Wink

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/07/2015 09:40

I personally nipped this in the bud as a young child. Became so sick of watching my sister being treated like some pretty 'bimbo'. Other boys' parent's bought her presents pretending it was from their sons, because they would be 'so adorable together'. The typical, 'oh look, they're holding hands, they'll marry one day', and the whole 'Mark only pinched you because he likes you, isn't it cute' - my mother actually encouraged it.

So, instead of allowing her to do the same to me, I cut off all my hair and basically made myself look as 'boyish' as possible for years. It worked, probably better than it should have. Even when I then let myself be 'natural', grew out my hair, wore a bit of make-up, I was always, and still am, compared to my pretty, lovely sister - ' oh, she was such a lovely little girl, like a little doll wasn't she. The two of you were always so..... different'. I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but she grew up to have a few dubious relationships - not dv/ea, but in a relationship she becomes very passive, making a silly amount of effort and not getting much in return, as if she's conditioned to think she's only worth sitting there looking pretty for boys. Which is not the funny, clever, 'couldn't give a toss', person I usually know.

GotToFTFO · 04/07/2015 09:40

One day my dd came out of nursery and had a husband for the whole year.
I don't know where it came from and woe betide anyone tell her she doesn't have a husband.
They don't see each other much now and he has been relegated to boyfriend although I did try tell her he is just a friend.

She still wouldn't have it.
I don't agree with the forcing boyfriends on dc, but i humoured her in the end as there is no harm as long as she is happy.

pilates · 04/07/2015 09:41

Op, totally agree.

Weird on all accounts.

Like its the be all and end all to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 09:50

I think at about 4 its normal for them to decide that they are going to marry someone.... by the end of reception dd had decided that she didn't want to marry said little boy after all and there has been no talk of marriage since. That's just copying adults I think.

RolyPolierThanThou · 04/07/2015 10:01

I was born and grew up in another European country but every summer we'd come to england to visit our relatives.

Only in England was I ever asked whether I had a boyfriend. Six year old me would be mystified at this ridiculous question. I'M SIX. You'll be asking me whether I have a mortgage next.

I had lots of boy friends but I knew they meant something different. Even at six I knew these grown ups thought they were being funny and clever but I thought less of them for asking this stupid question.

KERALA1 · 04/07/2015 10:07

Yanbu hate this luckily people in my life don't make such daft comments. Dd aged 6 is friends with 4 boys in her class would hate such lovely innocent friendships to be somehow sexualised urgggh

Love51 · 04/07/2015 10:27

Roly I am stealing the mortgage comment, should the need arise.
My three year old did say she wants to marry my 1yo, but I think that is just a case of a child not understanding that there may be a time when she wants to broaden her horizons, and probably wont want to live with her brother forever. That and she had seen a picture of herself as a bridesmaid and thst was such a fun day we should do it again. I dont mind it much coming from children.trying to make sense of the world - we had 'weddings' in y3 y4. Bloody odd being asked (age 9) by my gran if im courting (cant figure out if alzheimers may have kicked in already and they didnt tell me til it was impossible not to avknowledge it). Creepy from adults, who understand what they are saying. Are they trying to be cute?

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 04/07/2015 11:06

This pisses me off too, YANBU op. My 10 yr old DD has a best friend she hit it off with in p1 & even tho he moved school before p3, his mum & I have kept in touch & let them meet up regularly cos they are still really good friends. DD has had endless comments about him being her boyfriend & I always have to but in to repeat 'they are friends'. It's ridiculous . And some people wonder where the idea/pressure comes from that children need to grow up too fast?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/07/2015 11:21

YANBU, not one bit. It's highly inappropriate and I'm not sure what people who say this kind of stuff are hoping to achieve.

perfectlybroken · 04/07/2015 11:28

I hate this, its bad enough among children and I always put a stop to it, but among adults its completely unacceptable, its basically sexualising a Childs behaviour. Ds1 used to put his hand down my top for comfort, when he was 3 my mum said 'oo what will he be like when he has a girlfriend?' as if its the same thing!

Dunkyourcustardcream · 04/07/2015 11:42

The mortgage reply is fab!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 11:52

I wouldn't like that any better, fryone, the undertones are just as creepy. If it's inappropriate for kids to be pushed into searching for boyfriends, it's the same for girlfriends. It's sexualised, ridiculous behaviour. We should leave our children alone to just be children, without expectation of boyfriends/girlfriends at inappropriate ages.

Assuming that Evabeaver's child was giving a smart reply to a stupid question, it's very funny.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 11:54

... and yy 'crush on her uncle' is hugely inappropriate. I would tackle anybody who said this to my child. It makes the SIL in this case sound a bit jealous as well as desperately creepy. Nothing should stand in the way of normal familial relationships and comments like that can do so much damage.

If my SIL said this to my children (she wouldn't), I wouldn't temper my response to her to make sure she never said it again.

SycamoreMum · 04/07/2015 11:58

It does my wick in.

When my daughter was in the NICU the nurses would joke that the little boy in the incubator next to her was her boyfriend. They thought it was cute, I didn't.

My aunt in law (such a thing?!Grin) used to joke about me having a boyfriend to my mum when I was like 14/15 and my mum used to pull her up on it. My uncle would say oh its just a joke but my mum wasn't having it (two different cultures clashing I think West Indian and Irish). Now I see why she got so angry about it.

ASettlerOfCatan · 04/07/2015 11:58

I absolutely detest:
asking young children if they have boyfriends/girlfriends.
sexual type clothing on kids (bikinis, strapless stuff, v short skirts etc).
calling children sexy.

Totally inappropriate and sending very bad messages out imo. Let kids be kids ffs. There is plenty of time for them to worry about growing up and boyfriends/girlfriends and all that stuff once they get into high school!

Theoldcauliflower · 04/07/2015 12:00

It's like when some idiot says to your toddler "aren't you sexy" in a baby voice! Wtaf Hmm a woman I know says it!

ASettlerOfCatan · 04/07/2015 12:00

I'm not a fan of it in high school either tbh but they do need to start learning to cope with their feelings at this point. Kids below age of puberty don't even understand this stuff. I think saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" just confuses them as they just think this means a boy/girl who is a friend.

Original poster
trufflehunterthebadger · 04/07/2015 12:01

We were at a family birthday party, it wasn't really the time to challenge it

if comes up again i will not be quiet, i have already made my feelings very clear on the topic several times so it's not as if they don't already know what i think

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 04/07/2015 12:02

Glad its not just me with the bikini thing. My DDs (9 and 6) friends have bikinis with little bikini bra tops. I just (internally) have a problem with it and can't put my finger on why. Tankini vest top type things yes, but bra top for non existent boobs is eeewwwww somehow...