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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

281 replies

Candycoco · 03/07/2015 20:33

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:53

But I do take my daughter for lists of lovely days out. If we go to the theatre it's normally for her birthday, if we go to a theme park it's a special treat once a year. We do a whole range of things otherwise so there is no favour to be had at all they are doing me no favours at all as its not as if she never goes anywhere with me as I've said a million times Confused

If they've got passes they should just go by themselves as clearly they wouldn't be paying cash to go that often themselves would they!

OP posts:
Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 08:54

This reply has been deleted

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tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 08:54

mumofagrievingteen that sounds completely reasonable to me Smile

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:54

Polly it's other people adding in that the girl was asked first.
What the OP actually said was that the other child said at school "are you coming?" and got excited.
They're 8.

Mine is 6 and that happens. On pick up, friend "mum! We're going swimming with Cab's girl tomorrow!". Mother: we are?!

The kids hatch it themselves, or hatch it based on "OK, we'll ask her mum".

The OP has not said that the parents invited her child and then threw in the cost later.

After the theatre trip, OP knew this was how this family work, so any further "would she like to come?" Could obviously be answered with " oh she'd like it - not sure though, how much?"

The theatre thing is a red herring to me. She wasn't invoiced later!

  • does she fancy theatre
  • oh yes!
  • cool, it's £20 for theatre and £6 for dinner
  • OK!
Or...
  • too much this month, another time!
Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 08:56

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Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:59

No what actually happened was
Theatre invite, ok thank you
That's £20
Some days later,
We would like to go for a meal at xxx afterwards, it's £6 for kids meal, if you don't want to pay that we will all just come home

Making me feel guilty if I'd said no!
What part of this don't you understand

OP posts:
Mumofagrievingteen · 04/07/2015 09:01

Thanks tobysmum DS's friends mum seems quite happy with the arrangement and it never crossed my mind that I shouldn't ask for a contribution to the taxi fare until I read this thread! Obviously I wouldn't ask for a contribution to anything else as the cost is fixed but if this friend wasn't coming we wouldn't need a taxi as our DC's would have traveled with us (our car not big enough).
AIBU seems a very odd section don't think I'll look again I only came across it by accident.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 09:01

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Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:02

Anyway cabrina you're splitting hairs over they way I described the purse. You are the one adding dramatic effect. If you host a day out you pay simple. If your child gets invited out you send them with spending money, not a breakdown of every cost incurred. Jesus some people are so tight

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:03

Apple - theatre was in major city 30 miles away

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 04/07/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:06

Also they'd booked 4 tickets to she show, west end show travelling round the country. Then months later when it's time to go, needed to fill their 4 ticket and get their £20 back. Just book 3 tickets or have the friend come along with your child for day out.

OP posts:
Sixgeese · 04/07/2015 09:06

If the invitations were weekly, I would say yes to some no to others depending on the cost and what we are already doing. All my DC know that if a friend at school invites them out even if they really want to go, I (or DH) have to speak to the other parent before it is definite.

"X has invited me to tea, Mum" gets a "let me speak to their Mum" as a response.

"Y has invited me to the cinema"... "I will need to check with their parents"

One very brave family is taking all three of mine out today, but again it was arranged by the adults talking and arranging it, not the children.

echt · 04/07/2015 09:08

If you couldnt afford the £6 why didnt you offer to collect her right after and they do their own thing? Why you think they should pay for your child is baffling!

The clue is the word invite.

When someone invites you to dinner, they don't ask for money.

Same thing.

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 04/07/2015 09:08

Since saying NO from now two parents - have the parents asked why? Have they moved to a third friend? Has Theme park girl noticed/bothered? Sounds like this family will get a reputation and DD wont have any friends to go out with.

tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 09:09

aibu is odd in the extreme Grin

Tbh getting back to the specific situation in the op, I'm not actually sure that money would be the main issue for me.

I think by making regular invites whoever pays it is interfering with other people's family lives and their time together. I wouldn't want dd to go out all the time at weekends having fun with another family at the age of 8. I want to have fun with her, take her to these places and enjoy her childhood myself. Once a year, perfect. Twice a year OK but when it becomes very regular I wouldn't like it whoever paid.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:10

The minority of people who have dominated the thread are the tight ones it seems.

If you have more than one child of you're own I guess that's why you wouldn't want to pay for the friend, but if you only have one there's really no excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:11

Agreed tobysmum which is what I said upthread that id rather have these experiences with her myself the amount it costs.

OP posts:
pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 04/07/2015 09:12

We recently did a theartre trip... two family tickets were cheaper than the 7 tickets needed. DD invites a friend, she brought them both an ice cream. Family member dropped out so DS invited a friend. No ask/offer for payment. Kids had a great time. I wouldnt dream of asking.

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 09:15

Why are you being aggressive to me OP?
You're the one who brought up that she had a Hello Kitty purse - why, if not for the pathos?

It is NOT their fault that you felt guilty about saying no to an extra £6, when they had given you the choice and get out. They'd have been unreasonable if they'd just texted "oh and £6 for dinner please" or on dropping her home asked for the money on the spot, food already eaten.

You forget, I think, that you posted in IABU. Not IANBU and want everyone to agree with me!

I've paid for whole holidays for a friend and her daughter. (we're taking Haven here, not the Bahamas!)

I love treating people.

But I think it is absolutely not unreasonable to ask for money.

So I'll throw your question back at you "what part of this do you not understand?"

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 09:17

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Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:18

Because the way they worded it was that they'd all be missing out if I said no. And it was an extra cost added on later see earlier post.

No aggression, but you seem to be dominating the thread and quite clearly you think you're right so why wouldn't I be allowed to think I'm right!?Confused

OP posts:
Hygge · 04/07/2015 09:19

When we have invited a friend of DS's to come out with us, we have paid for the friend.

Occasionally the friend's parents, or in one case grandparents, have offered money for ice-creams for the boys, and most people have given their own child a bit of spending money, but we've always paid for entry fees or tickets, bought lunches, packed picnics for everybody, bought the drinks and popcorn or whatever, depending on where it is we go. And even bought souvenirs for DS and the friend (and once the friend's sibling who didn't come with us).

We're not made of money, but if we're inviting someone to something, they are coming as a guest, so we budget for that.

So YANBU OP. PILs used to do this to BIL and SIL actually. Say they wanted to take the children out, make all the arrangements and then ask for the money to pay for it all. It came across as a "but we are doing you a favour, taking your children out, so obviously you will pay for the six of us to go, and provide money for food and drink" and it drove SIL mad. She used to say that if she wanted to pay for the whole thing, she and BIL would be the ones to go along. BIL used to stop her from talking to PILs about it because he wanted a quiet life.

poisonedbypen · 04/07/2015 09:19

Haven't read the whole thread but I think if they say up front "Would x like to come out for the day, would x like to come, I'm afraid it's quite pricey, the tickets are £x", that's fine. when someone took DD I sent along a 2 for 1 voucher. £6 for dinner though! Reminds me of my granny & aunt taking me for fish & chips when I was a student & they asked me for £2.50. I felt like offering to pay for theirs!

MargoReadbetter · 04/07/2015 09:19

I expect to pay for my child, so it's funny to see that makes me tight. I have both accepted and refused money in the past for things, depending on circumstances. I don't go onto MN to moan about it later and I haven't lost friends over it. I'm ok with my choices.

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