If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

[Candycoco]

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

They invite they pay. Recently took ds 2 plus 3 friends to soft play and cinema. Didn't want a penny. Took ds 1 and his friend to alton towers and another to drayton manor, also to football matches and theatre. Our treat and our invitation. To ask the parents for money is putting them in an awkward position and they may not be able to afford it. We pay for food and drinks through the day.

I think that ideally, if you invite another child to join you for a day out, you choose a day put which you can afford to pay for everyone for. For some people that will be a theme park, but for others it will be swimming.

To those who say, why should those inviting have to pay for someone else's child's day out - the answer is, because YOU invited them - they didn't invite themselves along. And because YOU invited them, YOU chose the activity, she it expensive or cheap - they didn't choose the activity, especially an expensive one. Likewise, as an adult inviting a child, you the adult determine the food arrangements - so you can eat a picnic to save money - fine. But if you choose to eat out, whether expensive or cheap, YOU have chosen it and the child has no control over it.

So, during the hols my DS will have an arrangement for a friend to spend the day with us a few times. Sometimes we just stay at home. Fine. Sometimes we will go out - and I choose the location and the food, based on what I am prepared to pay in total for us all. Usually it will be swimming or bowling and a McDonalds, because I am happy to spend £25 in total. I am unlikely to take them to a theme park, because I don't want to spend £100+. If I did want to take DS to a theme park, then I would only invite another child if I was happy to pay - if not, we would go alone.

There is the very very rare case of a major major treat,when things might be different - ie considering getting tickets to a big sporting event. Spoke to mother of friend before booking - asked if her DS might be interested md tickets were £80 each - all clear up front. The mother could then answer in full receipt of the cost implications. This is a family where we often take DS out (and pay) and they do likewise.

Going out with children is different to adults going out with friends. Adults have their own money and can be responsible for communication about costs etc. Children don't have their own money.

The worst scenarios on this thread are those where those inviting another child to join them and only said after the invitation had been accepted, that there was a cost implication...or worse still, after the event.

If you can't afford to pay for your guest, don't do that activity, but choose something else, or don't have a guest.

I find it difficult to understand how people think it is okay to choose a day out at a theme park and invite others and say the guest should pay, because they as the initiators of the day can't afford to pay for other people's children, on what is an expensive day out.

Yes, it is an expensive day out. Go alone without guests, if you can only afford to pay for your own family. Or choose an alternative cheaper day out, which you can afford with guests too. Same with food - if you can't afford to feed an extra mouth, take a picnic instead.

Due to circumstances I am sahm. I am willing to look after friends children in holiday for day. I have merlin pass so I get in 'free' . I can't afford to pay for their children but will get them at least 50% off. I will pay petrol and food. Had not realised how unreasonable I am to think they will pay entrance fee at vastly reduced cost!

For me it depends on who it is. Ds has a couple of friends where I know money is very tight. If they take DS anywhere I offer to pay/ Send money with him. With most other friends they pay and we pay when we take the kids somewhere. Evens out in the end.

DD2 has 1 friend I try to take when possible as she wouldn't get to go anywhere without friends doing so (due to complicated family situation) I know DD2 wont be invited anywhere with them however they are friends and as far as I am concerned that's all that matters there. (the girl is so lovely it is not a bother ever)

I always send spending money.

DK, your post prompts several questions in my mind;

• have they asked you to look after their children (some kind of informal sor of childminding?) - if so, do you say you are willing, but you will be going to a theme park that day and they will need to pay (albeit the discounted rate)
• have you invited them over for the day? Do you say when inviting them, that you will be going to the theme park and they will need to pay the discounted rate?
• do you invite them over for the day and give them a choice of being with you and doing a free activity, or going to the theme park and paying?

My real question is, why do you choose to go to the theme park on the day when you have that other child with you? Presumably you do t go every day. It would be expensive for you to pay for them, so it is expensive for them to pay to go too.

Your post about being 'willing' to look after another child for the day, perhaps highlights the difference in views of a number of people on this thread and might explain why there are different attitudes. Some people see the extra child as a guest and themselves as a host - happy to invite and to treat the child to a day out, as their guest. Others don't seem to see the extra child as a guest, but almost as a burden, or just a favour they are doing for a friend by having them - not quite the same thing.

I understand people do friends all kinds of childcare favours over the hols. It is great. Perhaps it's not such a favour when you then ask them for a big chunk of money for a expensive day out - why choose that, at that point?

And for those with Merlin passes or other Annual passes, clearly you want to get your money's worth out of it, which is fine. However, these places are expensive without an annual pass, so choosing to go there with a guest and expecting them to pay is expensive for them - why not just go there with your own family and choose a cheaper option when taking friends - then you could probably pay for them, and if not, you wouldn't be looking for such an amount from them.

Dk who knew, eh?!

If you did insist on paying for my children, I'd then feel beholden to return the favour with an expensive treat for your DD, for which we would have to pay full price and pay for ourselves too. How rude of you to save me all that expense and obligation.

This yr I have been very upfront and offered to have children during holiday. This is partly to help them out with childcare and partly so daughter will see her friends. I will offer to take them somewhere and state cost. For example I can take my friends 2 boys to warwick castle for £10 each and they get to see horrible histories which they really want to see. If they said no then I would have them at my house and go to park for free instead. In my case I try to offer cheaper days out if friends want them. I will still look after the children but couldn't afford their entrance fees xx

I can see that some people might have an arrangement where whatever activity is going on, each parent pays for their own child - no paying for each other's. Sounds fine, if it's all upfront and clear.
The issue with the OPs situation is it wasn't upfront and clear and it wasn't a reciprocal agreement.

Blink, I know what you mean about people feeling beholden over expensive days out. I tend to take friends swimming as it is a cheap day out, but a friend mig take them to the zoo - much more expensive. However, I haven't increased what I spend on a day out and I really don't think anyone minds. I think I still give the boys a really fun day out with swimming and McDonalds - I know they enjoy it lots. The other people are just happy to spend more than I am on a day out...and both our approaches are fine.

Tbh, the fact that other people might feel beholden is another reason not to invite people on these really expensive days out, especially when it is barely affordable for anyone.

Def pay for your own child. It would be so rude not to offer.

This is going great to be another wiping bump standing up/sitting down or bra on and wiggle or bra done up behind type thread isn't it.

One group will always expect others to pay for their child, the other will always expect to pay for their child, and similarly re days out. One will "treat"friends, the other will suggest a day to x at y cost if little x fancies it.

Perhaps the best thing is to be accepting that different groups/areas/whatever derive different conventions and that as long as we're all up front about it all is well. ...

DK - you sound really kind. You are helping out your friends and not only that but giving them a clearly communicated choice of a free day with you,mor an activity they will pay for - all sounds clear and reasonable.

Often I have a day out with an adult friend and their children too. I wouldn't expect to pay for them in that situation (although I might buy a round of ice creams or similar) and when arranging will often ask if they prefer the park or another option which will cost. It's for the same reason - people cannot always afford or don't want to go on an expensive day out, so having a choice is good.

Name, I agree that the most important thing in all of this is being upfront and clear at the start about expectations re money. And also, especially when money is involved, making it fine for the person invited to turn down the offer, without it being awkward.

Thank you chocolate! I bought passes this yr expecting that I would be working now after birth of second child but am sahm instead and we have no spare money. I am aware that my older daughter also benefits by us having her friends during holidays and my friends know I would get best deals for them. Like I said picnic in park is also fine if they don't want to pay for day out xx

Absolutely agree that OP's friends behaved badly by not mentioning the cost upfront, and the thing about the £6 meal was even worse.

I am not sure about the guest vs burden thing. DCs' friends are very welcome, we want them and our own DC to have a lovely time, but of course it is also more work. I'm an introvert, it is always an effort for me to socialise and the more so if I'm also taking responsibility for extra children. But that doesn't mean I think of all my friends and my DCs' friends as a transactional burden.

If I invite my children's friends, I pay.

If my kids are invited I don't pay but send them with popcorn money, for example, which usually comes back untouched.

It's swings and roundabouts ... it all evens out in the end.

In fact after said theatre trip, dd told me when the bill came the dad asked dd for her £6 so she gave him her little hello kitty purse and he took it out to put to the bill. What kind of grown man would do that to a little girl! I was stunned. Tight!!

But the instruction was to send the £6 with the ticket money.

I don't take other children on days out to get free childcare in return. I do it so that my children can enjoy these places with their friends. Don't expect any reciprocal arrangement. If they are invited back to friends houses - how they choose to spend their time is their business - don't expect them to be taken out.

CookieLady is spot on.
Your dc is a handy companion for their only child but they are too mean to pay for the companionship.
If it's affordable for you, and your dc gets to places they would normally not get the chance to go to, then I'd let dc go.
If it were a treat for my dc and other parent paying I give my dc money to buy goodies for host.

If we invite, we pay. Swimming, pictures, theme parks. If the boys are invited for sleepovers we send snacks.

Last year our eldest wanted to go to a concert for his birthday and wanted to invite his two best friends. Tickets were €30. We paid for the three of them, younger brother and husband. Concert was two hours away.

Day before the other parents are not comfortable with my DH driving home after the concert and think a hotel should be booked. Have you any idea how hard it is to find a hotel in Munich during Oktoberfest?? That particular trip out cost in the region of $850!! We invited, we paid. It was a lesson though...

"Day before the other parents are not comfortable with my DH driving home after the concert and think a hotel should be booked. Have you any idea how hard it is to find a hotel in Munich during Oktoberfest?? That particular trip out cost in the region of $850!! We invited, we paid. It was a lesson though..."

Sorry- that's just bonkers. Utterly bonkers.

I would always offer to pay.

It says you money on petrol, and also on time. Your child has fun. It would honestly not even cross my mind that if my DC were invited out somewhere expensive for the day the other parents would pay for it.

If you only take their child swimming but they take your to a theme park, I think that's a total piss take tbh. Much better you pay for your own children.

There isn't a hard and fast rule, except the rule that says to be clear up front.
So - if someone is going on a day to {for example} legoland and they a) have room in the car and b) are happy to supervise one of my dc for the day in the holidays, I think it would be really nice of them to offer me the chance to pay entrance for my dc to go into the park, and they can have a day out they otherwise wouldn't have had. Same with the theatre or a pop concert - my dd1 has been fortunate enough to have gone to see a group when she was younger, because her friend's Mum was willing to go, and to take dd. I woudn't expect her to pay for the ticket too. By offering me (with all the information up front) I then had the chance to say 'No thanks' or 'Great, that' really kind'. Because they were kind enough to offer to take her, dd got the chance to see something she wouldn't otherwise.
I think it would be sad for parents to not offer / stop offering, because some people think that means they ought to pay.

Katedotness that's bonkers. You should have just said that was the arrangement, end of. If they wanted to stop their dc going, I'm sure you could have taken another friend.

We've always paid when we invite a child/children out.

It usually costs us a small fortune as well as there's 7 of us already(5DC)and we treat them like we do our own children when we take any of they're friends out.What ever our children want/have they're friends can have as well if they want it.

The favor very rarely gets returned,but we know that a lot of the parents of our children's friends rarely if ever treat they're children to days out meals out ect.Me and DH are just glad that the kids that we take with us will have some happy memories to look back on,even if they haven't been made by they're parents.

But in your situation Candy it sounds completely different as the other child's mother does take her child nice places.I think it's really rude and ignorant of her to allow you to pay for her child and then to not return the kind gesture is not on.

Katedotness- what are you expecting us to say? Well done you?