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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

281 replies

Candycoco · 03/07/2015 20:33

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

OP posts:
pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 04/07/2015 09:56

No shes not offered the money shes expected to pay.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 09:59

It's not win win as I said earlier I take my daughter to all manner of days out so she is not missing out. In fact if I take her we use 241 normally as its just me and her. So it's better for me to take her. No favour to be had by going with them

OP posts:
DandelionDaydream · 04/07/2015 10:06

The only thing the other family did wrong was not to outline costs along with the initial invite.

I don't ever assume that I shouldn't have to pay for my dc's to go on an outing with another family. If my dc's ask can i go to such and such with a friend, I will always ask how much will be needed to cover the day before saying yes or no. Sometimes parents will cover the cost sometimes not.

When we invite, we usually cover costs apart from spending money, but just because we can afford to cover another child doesn't mean that other families can afford to cover mine.

So never assume and never expect that you wont have to pay for your own child and you wont be pissed off when they say it's x amount.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2015 10:12

Either is fine so long as everyone is clear from the outset. I always say when I invite.

"Hi. Mini Bert was wondering if X would like to come to Y with us. The tickets are £Z - and I'll bring a picnic for us all. We do hope he can come!"

"Hi- MB was .....etc. We'll get the tickets and so on, but he might need little bit of cash for the gift shop!"

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 04/07/2015 10:12

My family have been invites to a bbq tomorrow. Invited/accepted. Do I now enquire about cost? Or do we assume token wine/chocs?

Midori1999 · 04/07/2015 10:43

Well Polly, if not if our friends have a BBQ then it's sort of a given that everyone will take some food with them to go in the 'pot'. Or all the invitees would say 'what would you like me to bring?' Or 'great! I'll bring x'. However, I I host a BBQ I prefer to provide all the food myself. That doesn't mean I think my friends who do things the other way are 'tight' or 'targeting' people...

Klayden · 04/07/2015 11:01

I always would pay for another child if I invited them. However, I find your expectation that they should pay quite odd really. Mine have been invited out and I wouldn't dream of not offering the money. Perhaps they ask for the money because they are waiting for you to offer. It's polite.

Nameforsexboard · 04/07/2015 11:24

Poll. Of another family invited your family to a theme park would you assume they'd pay for your family too?

EmeraldThief · 04/07/2015 11:30

I wouldn't assume that the other family would pay for my child to a theme park as its so expensive, and would offer to contribute. However I do find the meal thing quite tight and a bit pushy, "we'd like to go for a meal afterwards, so send us £6 but if not we just won't go at all".If you can't stretch to an extra £6 then your just a tight bastard IMO.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2015 12:16

"personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone."

I do think that's a bit sad. Your child would never have the fun of going

For a day out with a friend because you can't afford to pay for the friend? Everybody knows that people have different amounts of money- there is nothing at all wrong with asking the other child's parents to pay admission so long as it s clear upfront. The 6 quid for dinner's a bit odd- but maybe they're really skint and have saved up just enough for themselves? Does seem odd though!

aftereight · 04/07/2015 12:21

Im quite surprised by the responses here. I am obviously in the minority but I definitely wouldnt expect someone else to pay for my child to go on a day out.

^this

I wouldn't dream of not paying for my child's entry ticket if the went with another family, but then I do have issues with feeling indebted to people.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2015 12:32

It would depend, if I invited a child out for swimming etc then I would pay but something like Legoland or a special more expensive day out then the other mum would more than likely offer to pay for their ticket. However I would pay for food drinks ice creams etc. Equally I would expect the same if my dc were invited anywhere.

I do think that taking the £6from her purse is really tight.

BabyFeets · 04/07/2015 12:42

I don't think the parent of the other child should pay for yours too. They are still using their petrol to get to the places. I always pay for the trips.

i think it annoys you because it is always expensive trips which would annoy me too

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 12:48

If someone invited my child to a theme park I would offer to pay unless it was a birthday celebration. The parent may or may not accept the cash. I would be fine with the parent asking for cash towards the event.

The favour is both ways. Your DD has a special memorable experience at very low cost to you. The other child has a friend to enjoy the day with. It's a win win situation.

tomatodizzymum · 04/07/2015 12:50

We always pay for other children. Next time she sends a text asking if your DD would like to do X,Y and Z I would text back "How much is it?". The decent thing to do if you are not prepared to pay is to send a text saying "We are going to the theatre, the tickets are £20, can your DD come?", rather than inviting someone to do an activity and getting them to commit to it before asking them to pay for it. This is devious and dishonest IMO.

saturnvista · 04/07/2015 12:50

I think it's actually very rude to assume that a family who are kind enough to include my DD on a day out will also bear the cost of paying for her beyond the odd ice cream. I would never expect it.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 12:51

Agree the only thing the parent did wrong was not to explain the costs in initial text.

It's easy for you just to say 'how much is it? We are budgeting this month'

wafflyversatile · 04/07/2015 13:15

waffley i never would assume an invitation means they would pay as well, no. If i had such an invite my response would be 'sounds great, how much will it cost?'. Then there can be no confusion.

But , as much as you would assume that you would pay for your child, lots of people on this thread would assume that the family doing the inviting also pay. So the best, most simple, straightforward and, indeed, honest way, to avoid confusion, upset, resentment, offence and falling out is for the invitation to say 'Would your DC like to come to this with us on Saturday? Tickets are £X and we thought we'd also do this which will be about £Y.' or 'our treat'

wafflyversatile · 04/07/2015 13:19

Scratch 'also pay' should just be 'pay'

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 13:19

Sometimes on IABU, I think yes, sometimes no. Sometimes I change my mind on the thread - usually through more information, sometimes because I'm influenced by someone else's view.

I didn't come on here intent on sticking to my view that you are unreasonable.

You just haven't said anything that has changed my mind!

Cliffdiver · 04/07/2015 13:27

I think in the instance of Legoland it's ok to ask for the parent to pay, if it's upfront, eg 'Hi would mini candy like to come to LL with us, if so it's £30 for the ticket', as £30 is a lot of money for some families. That said, I would pay for the child I invited as they're my guest.

The £6 for the meal thought is bloody tight!

dk75 · 04/07/2015 20:03

I love this thread! I have a merlin pass for myself and daughter. I bought these thinking I would now be back in work after birth of second daughter. I am not. They are amazing value and I would not be without them. I do not work but can take friend's children with us. However, I cannot afford to take them. I will get the cheapest price available for them and I will pay petrol. Legoland has £5 offer on so am taking friend's for that cost. Otherwise merlin friend's and family is about 50%. I am upfront though about who is paying. I would not expect others to pay for my children's days out.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 20:08

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

dk75 · 04/07/2015 20:54

I am obviously a targeter! I always thought friends were happy I took care of their children and my children got company in return. My friends seem delighted with the deals I get them x

Nameforsexboard · 04/07/2015 21:05

I'm with you both!