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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

281 replies

Candycoco · 03/07/2015 20:33

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:05

"When is stopped saying yes, they moved onto another child"

Why is that a crime?!!!
What's so bad about wanting another child with you so they have someone to ride with?

When you invited her child to swimming / sleepover, was it not to provide entertainment for your child?

And you've said on other occasions, you have invited other friends.

WHY?

Because it's fun, that's why. They are doing the same as you. You don't want to send you child, find - who wouldn't ask someone else?

The only sympathy I have is that I think if you're a person who asks for money, you should always send it.
But - how do you know if you hadn't said "swimming and sleepover, please send £10 please" they wouldn't have paid?

Look, I don't know them - they might be cheeky sods who couldn't stand your daughter, and knew their own daughter hated her too, but at least it meant they could ignore their child whilst yours felt guilted into entertaining her whilst you paid for the privilege. But... You said they were best friends!

I think YABU. You don't want to pay, you just say so. It's not inherently wrong to ask. Just a minority thing. But not wrong.

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:07

tobysmum77 we see it differently. What you see as "expected to stump up cash once a month" I see as "offered to take her along too and OP could say yes or no". There is no force on the OP here.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:09

Well the other felt equally as pissed of because she told me!

And obviously now I did stop saying yes, but wanted others views.

I don't see why you wouldn't pay for your child's friend if you invited them out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:09

Other mother was pissed off that should be

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 08:09

cabrina the second time her dd was asked first!

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:10

But cabrinha it's awkward when it's your child's best friend don't you understand this?! To be kept asking over and over

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:13

And yes it was to provide entertainment for my child that's the point! But I paid for it!

OP posts:
nooka · 04/07/2015 08:16

I read the thread as showing the majority agreeing with the OP. Perhaps because I do too.

If we are inviting we are also paying unless we specifically say otherwise, in which case we would be up front, and not ask if the child would like to come and then talk about a relatively large cost afterward, potentially causing awkwardness.

I'd certainly never ask the other parents to pay for food costs, if you ask to have a child over a meal time then you feed them surely?

We've moved into negotiations directly between teenagers now, but generally I will subsidize (ie a trip to the cinema and I'll pay for tickets, but the invited children pay for their own pop etc).

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:27

I would pay if I invited, I've told you that.

But the "why wouldn't you pay" question? Well, if their thing is theatre and theme parks, if you invite a friend 3x a month, you could be budgeting £100 a month for other children. That's a lot of money!

Yes, they can do cheaper stuff. And maybe they do. But they don't HAVE to. Maybe that's what they like. That's fine. And they have season tickets for Merlin so of course they're going to want to go there.
It's not what I'd do, but I just don't see what's wrong with it.

You say why wouldn't you pay, I say why would you?

I only think it's unreasonable if you get sent an unexpected invoice afterwards!

wafflyversatile · 04/07/2015 08:28

I don't think either way of working is wrong.

What is rude is not being upfront and clear about the cost , or that there is a cost attached to an invitation as you could be putting someone in the awkward position of saying yes then having to retract or fork out money they can't afford in order to save face.

It's not just about money it's about people knowing what they are signing up to before they sign up to it.

MargoReadbetter · 04/07/2015 08:29

It's not the same as play dates and sleepovers. There you get into a complicated tab-keeping of whose turn it is etc. Better to be upfront and pay your child's way for days out and not feel under pressure to reciprocate.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:33

I don't feel under any pressure margo. Only if my daughter asked about a friend id take them, I wouldn't initiate anything and certainly don't keep tabs with any of her other friends as they all do it the same way as me. It's this one particular family I feel are off.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:33

And you're being over dramatic about the father taking money from her little Hello Kitty purse Hmm Way to talk that up!

You knew that your 8yo had to being £6 for dinner. Whatever you or the majority thought about that, you knew it, you agreed it, you sent the money.

So why wouldn't the father ask for it? If you chose to put the money in a cute little child's purse which sounds more heart wringing than handing over a fiver and a pound to the parents on drop off, that's your choice. Don't make it sound like some awful man raided a child's childlike purse.

He simply asked for the money you'd sent with her.

I think you're making a big deal out of it.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:36

Cabrinha I just think it says more about the father than it does about me. It went in her purse because they actually collected my daughter from her dads house to go on that outing that's why it wasn't handed to them directly. Not that that matters

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 04/07/2015 08:38

It those of you who won't pay for your child's friend to come with you who are the unreasonable ones! I'm saying I do pay, as do the majority of people on this thread and all of my daughters other friends. I'm not unreasonable

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 04/07/2015 08:39

The not saying up front thing confuses me as i would think its a reasonable assumption that you pay for yourself or your child unless otherwise specified.

So if the assumption is that invited children pay their own way and you send an invitation to someone for their child to come to something surely the invitation includes the cost? In this case the cost wasn't communicated until they'd accepted the invitation.

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 04/07/2015 08:42

So it goes ... doss DD want to go to Alton Towers? ... Mom ... asks DD who says yes and gets excited ... then you get a text asking for £40 ... its not on!!! If the text said its £40 to start with DD wouldnt have known as mom could`ve said no without asking DD. Thats why its unreasonable.

Sixgeese · 04/07/2015 08:42

One of DS friends is an only child, when he went to the Harry Potter Experience with his DM, they invited my DS to go to. The child invited DS at school, but then I had a conversation with the Mum later hashing out all the details.

I paid for my DS (why wouldn't I, they were doing me a favour by treating DS to something that as a family of 5 we probably wouldn't have done, and he really wanted to go), sent a packed lunch for DS, treats for the journey for both boys, spending money for the gift school....AND a little extra in an envelope which I gave to the Mum, in case there was any costs that I was unaware of, I got that back.

My DS got to do something fun, his friend enjoyed having him there, the Mum did me a huge favour by taking him and looking after him all day, why should she be out of pocket.

When a Mum of one of DS friends took a group of the boys in the class to the Lego Movie, all of the families paid for our own children's tickets.

I would always offer to pay for my own children, unless it is the return of a childcare favour, or a birthday treat. I thought that is what everyone did.

tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 08:48

No problem with that sixgeese. But two weeks later he gets invited to London Zoo, two weeks after that he gets invited to Alton Towers.......

Cabrinha · 04/07/2015 08:49

WHAT does it say about the father?
What?!

That he offered to take your child for a meal, but only if you were OK to pay £6. You said you were. So he asked your child for it. If she's like my child, she'd have felt very proud and grown up having money on her purse and paying!

Yet you draw this OTT picture of some man who should be ashamed of himself for raiding a little Hello Kitty purse Confused

You sound more hung up about money than they do tbh. All this "I'd be too embarrassed to ask" stuff.

It's such a shame that we have threads all the time about people being pressured about money. Shares on nights out etc. How much happier everyone might be if they could say "that's too much for me - how about x?"

You're really judging this family, for their choice of activity, for only wanting company for their child, for not subsidising yours, for not telling you about the money (they did!)... and now you're having a moan to them about another parent.

Like I said upthread, I don't know them, they might be awful.

But I have more of an impression of you than of them, as you're the poster. And now I have this mental picture of you saying to the other mum "oh I KNOW! £6! And from her ickle tiny Hello Kitty purse too, who does that to a child?!"

Make like Elsa and let it go.
YABU to think that anyone who does thinly differently to you and is I the minority is by default unreasonable, rather than just - different.

Btw - last time I took a child to a season ticket type place, I bought them a whole season ticket as I knew they were going with another friend a week later. So I'm not biased on who pays!

Mumofagrievingteen · 04/07/2015 08:49

I don't normally read this section but now I'm worried. We're taking one of my DS's friend away with us next month, their joining us a few days after we've arrived so travelling separately by plane/train and we've asked the friends parents to pay 1/3 of the cost of the taxi to the airport (I've got two DC's). It's over £150 in total and there's no public transport. We've not asked for any other contribution and will obviously pay for everything whilst we're away. I tried to find a cheaper way of getting to the airport but timing etc made it impossible and I made it clear from the beginning that we would like them to do this. Now I'm feeling a bit mean!

Midori1999 · 04/07/2015 08:50

I can just imagine this from
The other side...

a family member very kindly bought myself, DH and DD merlin passes as a Christmas present. This enabled us to have lots of lovely days out with DD and she asked if her best friend could join us. A lovely idea and we were happy to take care of the other child for the day, but couldn't afford to pay, so we offered to take DD's best friend but asked her Mum to pay for her herself. One of these trips was a theatre trip and we hoped to treat DD to a meal afterwards and again, couldn't afford the extra for the friend, but were happy to change our plans and skip the meal so that the friend could still attend the theatre if she wanted as we are only well aware that not everyone can afford these things and it would be a shame to miss out on the theatre due to a meal. Now DD's best friends Mother is saying we 'targeted' her DD for these trips and are tight and she has 'put a stop' to it all. DD is obviously upset her friend can't join her. WWBU?

messyisthenewtidy · 04/07/2015 08:51

I think it's just a matter of timing. If the person had conveyed the price to the OP when she had texted the invitation , OP would have had the chance to say no without getting DD all excited.