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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

281 replies

Candycoco · 03/07/2015 20:33

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:54

That's exactly how it feels flogging

OP posts:
Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 21:56

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/07/2015 21:56

If I offer to take a child out, I expect to pay, and if a parent offers, I will say no, unless they insist. If mine goes with another family for the day I would always offer, and expect to pay.

When we lived in Paris, we used to have season tickets for Disneyland Blush, which meant that we could often take friends for 10 euros each, rather than the $$$ that you pay on the gate. I always made it clear that we had this deal and that we would cover it, because some people would automatically say no, thinking that it would cost $$$.

MilliVanilliTinyWilly · 03/07/2015 21:59

This thread has made me realise I could be perceived as v rude. If I invite I pay, will take nothing and find it embarrassing to be offered. But if DC are invited I simply wouldn't dream of offering to pay. Big day maybe send money for ice cream for all but few hours nowt. Oops.

mommy2ash · 03/07/2015 22:04

My dds friend always pays her own way when she comes with is her mum prefers this as she said she can't reciprocate the offer as she has a small baby. It works for us the kids have a great time and everyone feels it's fair. To be honest I wouldn't be able to invite her as much as I do if I had to pay each time

Cabrinha · 03/07/2015 22:10

I find the judgement of single child families here quite depressing!
I've got one child (thanks, PCOS and a cheating XH). Yeah, I think that makes me more likely to invite a friend of hers.
And yes - that's because it's more fun for her.

But you know what? I don't just "use" some poor random child. I invite a FRIEND. Someone she likes, who likes her.

Now I personally would pay for both kids. Or all 3 - sometimes I take 2 extras. But that's because I'm lucky and can afford it.

And it seems the majority here do. And that's fine the them.

But if you can't afford to, or don't want to - there's nothing wrong with asking for the money, as long as you're up front.

Their passes are NOT free.

There's nothing wrong with inviting a friend to make your child's day more fun, and nothing wrong with being upfront about the cost.

evelynj · 03/07/2015 22:14

I think yabu. Maybe they can't afford to pay for your dc & them having passes is irrelevant imo. I think it's lovely that they take your dc with them. Do you know details of their family budget? There's not many dc outside my family I'd be keen to have for a full day. Just been honest with them. Do you take their dc often? Does your dc want to go? You've only mentioned it's not doing you any favours.

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 22:14

Well my daughter is an only child too same reason as you! So if I was inviting her friend it'd be to keep her company and so she could have a fun day with her friend. In no way would I think I was doing her friend a favour nor expect her mum to pay for her to come along!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/07/2015 22:14

I agree with the majority - when you invite someone else's DC you pay for them.

DS is an only and yes he does enjoy days out more if there is a friend along. I'm sorry if that means I'm "casting around" to find somebody else to come, due to a health condition we were only able to have one DC, although we would have liked more.

DS has a friend next door - another only if that makes any difference- and we tend to go out to more things than they do so we're always happy to bring their DS along - we invite so I don't expect to be given money. The DM works term time only and has DS for the occasional day when I'm working, which is worth it's weight to me in gold, so it all works itself out.

LadyPlumpington · 03/07/2015 22:15

So you think it's you doing them a favour allowing them to have your child out with them? I've never come across that before to be honest!

A friend of mine is a SAHM (I WOHM) and we met on maternity leave so our kids are pretty much the same age and best friends. She often asks if she can have DS1 over to spend the day with her DS (only child) because that way her DS is happy and entertained. It's not unusual!

Having said that I do always offer to pay if I know they're doing anything that requires paying (usually not) and they do tell me upfront if money is needed. We have similar boundaries wrt the 'HOW much?!' sort of conversations Grin so there's never been an issue.

Sounds to me a bit like there's also a financial divide between the op's family and this other family. That in combination with poor communication from the other family has led to the op feeling a bit pissed off, I think (understandably).

Fourarmsv2 · 03/07/2015 22:20

We often take two extras - one per DS. I will accept money from some people and not others.

Some friends reciprocate with trips or play dates, others never do. I'd only accept money if the offer is never reciprocated. These are children we take out monthly or fortnightly to the cinema, swimming, theme parks, camping.... I think the parents enjoy the break and their child getting to do something they wouldn't do with them. If they didn't offer I wouldn't say anything and we'd still take them / continue to invite them.

ClaudetteWyms · 03/07/2015 22:21

What Cabrinha said. There are some quite charming assumptions about families with one child here Hmm

I invite DD's friends for days out with her, because it's nice for her, and for them too. I enjoy having happy children around. Personally I would never ask for payment, but if a parent sends them with a little spending money that is fine. It's not about the money at all.

Parents are usually pleased when we offer to take their child out for the day!

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 22:23

Where is the judgment of only children?

I as the op see none, and I am a lone parent with one child.

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 03/07/2015 22:24

It would depend on my money situation!
And that of the other parent.
But if I was having a bad money week, my invite would say
"Would your dc like to,come to @event@, it costs £10 to get in.
If my offer was "would your kid like to come" then I would expect to pay.
If I needed help to pay for the other child, I would state this at the point of invite.
Generally, we share days out with a few other families. Usually, one drives and the other buys lunch or ice-creams

Notso · 03/07/2015 22:27

If we invite other people's DC we pay, if we can't afford to pay we only take our own DC.
However I have no problem with being asked for the money, I always offer money anyway. As long as it's sorted out at the inviting stage so you can decline if your not able/willing to pay.
We had merlin passes last year and were able to get a discount on tickets for our DC's friends.

DoughDoe · 03/07/2015 22:31

Merlin pass gives 50% discount for friends.

blink1552 · 03/07/2015 22:33

So Candy if you don't think you are doing a favour by inviting, do you think it is polite to return invitations or not?

I think generally, if someone invites your child over, you should do the same in return. But if the family 'borrowing' the child is taking a favour, that would make no sense.

I find this all bizarre and depressing. In my world it's a nice thing to invite a friend over. Yes, sometimes it's handy in keeping my child company but that's a long way from it being just begging a favour.

Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 22:34

Maybe it's because I've got more than one child then? I honestly can't get my head around thinking I was doing someone a favour by letting them have one of my children! I'm ever so grateful when they get invited out!

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 22:35

Yes blink of course. Like I've said many times in this thread I can only invite other kids to swimming, cinema, park or to my house etc. which I pay for and have done regularly.

I do not invite them to theme parks only as in the case of this family because I cannot afford to pay for their child also.

OP posts:
Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 22:36

(But if you live near me and I can do you the favour of allowing you to take my kids out, all expenses paid, please do!)

blink1552 · 03/07/2015 22:39

I understand that you do invite them, as you've said. I just don't get the bit about you thinking other people are doing you a favour by accepting the invitation. By convention the favour is the inviting, not the accepting. Otherwise there would no social norm to return invitations.

Midori1999 · 03/07/2015 22:42

But then why didn't they just go by themselves? My dd and the other kid who was targeted both felt it was off to do this.

Really? Targeted? Whether they wanted company for their daughter or not, whether they paid or not, these people provided your DD with nice days out.

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 22:43

I hear you blink. But then why would this family not just invite her to do normal things, it feels like they want another kid to go on the rides with their dd. if you have one child you definitely feel glad when another child will come and play with yours or do something with them like swimming etc. otherwise my dd won't go on her own.

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 03/07/2015 22:45

If my dd was invited to go out with another family i wouldn't dream of offering to pay as I wouldn't want to insult them. However if the parents got tickets for just dd and their own child to go together, I would offer. Obviously same for the other way round.

The only exception I think, is when you take one of their friends on holiday. I think I would expect them to pay for the flight, though not the accommodation if we had the room anyway.

Cabrinha · 03/07/2015 22:47

I feel you're judging OP, because got seem to be making a nonsense link between having to pay and therefore you doing them a favour.

I don't see what you're griping about AT ALL.

I can see that the majority here think "you invite, you pay".

I don't actually think that's a given myself, but I love to treat and can afford to, so my outward behaviour is with the majority - I ask, I pay.

But I totally do not get why you're griping about this poor family who have been totally upfront about costs.

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