If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

[Candycoco]

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

There is no real touchstone for manners or morality on this one - whatever arrangement makes the people involved feel most able to both invite and accept invitations is what should be done. A parent who is able to give of their time and energy but not their cash should be able to issue an invitation, making it clear exactly what is being offered. The 'if you're not going to pay I'd rather you didn't invite her at all' seems petulant and pointless here. You can always say no! Treating a friend's child is nice but it brings its own problems - if a child is invited and paid for it may not be easy for the other parent to reciprocate, yet they may feel obliged to do so. The other parent may even expect it and, feeling taken advantage of, curtail the friendship. It's much easier to say 'Thanks for the invite, X won't be going because it's out of budget' than to say 'X had a lovely time at the theme park, thanks for paying, I won't be able to reciprocate because it would be out of budget for us'. You have to cut your cloth to whatever the circumstances are. Manners are about making the other person feel comfortable and being truly thoughtful, surely. As regards the OP's story, I think it's fair enough though they should have been clearer about the price upfront. I wouldn't expect my child to be paid for anywhere at all. When hosting, I would offer if I could afford it and felt like it, other times I would suggest we all chipped in. Otherwise my friends without much money would be feeling beholden too much.

Yes you are doing them the favour ... how does DD feel on these trips out? How old is she?

I agree that it's cheeky, but someone please tell me where I get a Merlin Annual Pass that I don't need to pay for!

I'm definitely with the OP here. If we invite a friend out for the day it's always accounted for in our costs. If it's an expensive place that we couldn't afford to sub the other child then we either would go just as a family or change the location to one we could afford! If DD wants company on an expensive trip then we wouldn't expect someone else to have to pay £££ for a ticket because we want to go somewhere expensive. The alternative is to go to much more imaginative and cheaper days out that in my experience end up being much more fun anyway.

If the family in question can afford to treat themselves to Merlin passes then they clearly aren't on the breadline. But having paid for them it sounds like they want to make the most of them so those are the only trips they take. (Didn't someone say that if you have a Merlin pass you get a discount on further child tickets? Yet they were asking for the money for a full price ticket for OPs child. Mmmm was OP subsidising their passes?)

I also disagree with other posters who think it's harder if you take another child. IMO it's much easier. They can entertain themselves and have MUCH more fun with a companion. No friends means I have to go on the bloody rides. Definitely worth the price of a child's ticket to get out of that!!

I don't understand this preciousness about the invited child having to have their company bought.

It's a mutual thing for both families. It pleases both children. It means the invited child gets to do something new or different or in different company.

I'd much rather my child was invited and I paid £20-30 for them then having to pay £100 or whatever PLUS the time so I could take my entire family. Cut my nose to spite my face.

Why can't we be adults about this?

To be honest cabrinha this discussion on mumsnet was simply so I could get a range of viewpoints (as is the case in most questions asked). It's not that I bothered about the £6 some time later. That was to demonstrate that not only did I have to pay her ticket, I had to cover food for their meal out. And yes I wish I'd said something at the time. But to be honest, if I was them, I'd have felt embarrassed to keep asking a single parent to pay for their child to go theme parks. And never inviting them elsewhere.

I clearly bring my values and believes to this, as we all do, and I believe if I invite a child out I pay for them. Many others on this thread feel the same.

Although we have stopped these days out with this family, I have took my daughters other friend out a couple of times recently. And they have never sent money and I haven't asked for it, so it made me think clearly Im not the only one who thinks like this.

It's always polite to offer money.

How she asks is wrong but it is not wrong to actually ask for cash

It is wrong hairy after you've already accepted the invitation

OP, of course you do what feels right for you. Personally, I think it's misplaced pride to show you can manage paying for others when you can't or it's a struggle or even resentment because you then keep tabs on whose turn it is, is it equivalent etc.

I'd love my kids to be invited on fancy holidays/days out/theatre and I'd expect to pay. Better that one has the opportunity then for me to try and manage for all the family, both as cost and time.

I think if you invite your DC's friends on days out then you pay for them. So YANBU. This is along the same lines as people that charge for birthday parties or expect large cash donations for wedding presents........ incredibly tight and really rather vulgar.

Oh don't pull the single parent card!
I'm a single parent too.
I don't expect anyone to subsidise me! And I can also afford not to need that. It is usually financially harder on your own than in a couple - but plenty of single parents can afford theatre tickets / theme park days

Well I guess as its only my daughter and I at homeanyway i'd rather do it with her than pay for her to have those experiences with someone else. I do a lot of days out with her using Tesco Clubcard vouchers/groupon and I have a national trust card so I would take her friend where I can, but most of the time she's happy to spend the day with me anyway as she's at her dads eow.

I wouldn't say it's misplaced pride. I pay for kids to go to swimming or ice creams at the park etc, because I can. I wouldn't invite them anywhere really expensive as I would never ask the other parent to stump up. We'd just go on our own otherwise.

So what happened when you took this girl out? Not the other friend you mention.

Cabrinha I am not expecting anyone to subsidise me. I am saying if I invite a child out I pay for them. But what to you think of this situation that kept happening to us. If you read the full thread the majority of people agree with me.

I think that the op is being put in a difficult position here and this would annoy me.

Personally I've always paid for the other child (although there is an additional grey area if you are looking after one as a favour because parents are at work....) and offered to pay for dd, I'm not tight and generally don't get wound up about money.

If this happened once, I wouldn't flinch no problem. However if they started asking her regularly and expecting me to stump up significant amounts of money then this really isn't fair, especially if the child is told about it first.

OP you need to just say to the mum next time 'she had a lovely time the twice, I really appreciate you taking her but that's her theme park quota for the year' and make sure dd knows and understands in advance. End of. I wouldn't mention the money at all because I wouldn't want them to feel pressured into paying for her.

I asked her mum if she'd like to come to swimming and for a sleepover at our house. I picked her up, took them swimming, took them for tea and then when back to my house. at no point did I say please can you send me )5 for McDonald's else we can't go or you owe me £3 for swimming. Her mum didn't offer any money or send her with any and I didn't ask.
Like I said at the start. I always send my child with spending money or money for dink etc if she's going with someone else

How is it vulgar?!
They're going to a theme park. It would be fun for both kids to invite OP's daughter.
They're offer and are up front about the cost.
Why should they pay?
Why on earth is it vulgar to say "look we're going to xyz, would she like to come? It's £x?"

This family do things in a minority way yes - but not in a vulgar way.

It's NOT a birthday party, it's a day out.
I organised 9 kids to go to the cinema last week. Am I vulgar because my first text said "who fancies Minions? (list names) I'm happy to take kids of adults who want a break?" and my second "brilliant that's £x"? Every parent texted back "yes please - how much do I owe?"

If there had been any misunderstanding and low income parent hadn't offered the money, I'd personally have just covered it. That's my choice. But it's not vulgar to ask for money. Is this some thing where the mere mention of cash is considered vulgar?

After the theatre situation, you knew how this family managed things. So I don't see the issue. Pay don't pay, accept don't accept.

You can't simultaneously say that £6 is nothing and they're tight to ask for it, and also say you couldn't really afford it. You can't draw the line for other people on what they'll pay for your child.

Yeah, they sound tight to me some people are.

Seriously....I wouldn't even dream of expecting someone to pay for my childs day out just because they invited them!!! Its my child...I.pay!! Some of the comments on here just baffle me!!!!

Cabrinha - is it too late to add mine to the cinema trip? I've say through enough children's films.

I have read the full thread
If you've read the full thread, you'll have read that I'm in the majority.
But can't you see that being in a minority doesn't actually make you unreasonable? Just different.

Well yes if you are inviting a big group out naturally you would expect them to pay their own ticket.

But if you are inviting your daughter's best friend out then I think you need to cover it. That's what I'd do.

But also part of the issue is that it was always theme parks which does make you feel like they just want your child so theirs has someone to go on rides with. When I stopped saying yes, they went onto another child and did the same thing to them until her mum said enough is enough now

Margo it would have been the more the merrier!

We all managed to pay for our own tickets and meal afterwards too!
Which involved 16 adults / children working out a fair split of a bill. Which happened without any tears, and I haven't identified a post hoc MN thread complaining about it either
Bizarre what can happen when people communicate and don't think money is inherently vulgar!

I totally agree with you. If we take other people's kids out we pay for them.

But cabrina it's a totally different situation. I would have been totally happy with that.

The point here is that once a month the op was expected to stump up 35 quid for a day out. Once fine, twice no. Then when she took the other child to the cinema they didn't offer to pay . So they are tight .....