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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you invite your child's friend for a day out you pay for them

281 replies

Candycoco · 03/07/2015 20:33

So over the past couple of years my daughter was invited by her best friends mum to go with them on various days out.

They were all fairly expensive outings, mainly theme parks and to the theatre.

For example, on one occasion we got an invite via text along the lines of, would candy's dd like to come to the theatre with us on whatever date, time to see xxxx. I text back thank you she'd love to. Then got a text back, great ticket is £20. We'd like to go for dinner afterwards and kids meal is £6, if you are ok with that please send the £6 along with the ticket money, if not it doesn't matter we will come straight home afterwards.

I felt like I couldn't say no to the meal as then they'd all come home (dd's friend and her mum and dad), but I also wouldn't dream of inviting dd's friend out and then asking for her to pay for her own meal. Baring in mind she was only 8 or 9 at the time.

This also happened several times where she got invited to legoland etc, and then asked for £30 for the ticket but it then transpired the family have merlin passes so it didn't cost them anything. Yet I was paying for my dd to accompany their only child on their family day out.

I always send my dd with a bit of spending money on days out but I feel like to ask for the entrance fee is a bit off. Also I couldn't really afford to keep doing it in the end as I'm a lone parent so had to put an end to it.

But anytime I've taken dd and her friends out to swimming or Pizza Hut etc I've paid for it. I wouldn't dream of saying to their mum, you owe me £3 for swimming.

I personally think if you can't afford to take your child's friend with you then don't take them at all. I couldn't afford to take dd and her friend to places like that so wouldn't go in the first place unless I could pay for everyone.

None of the kids I've ever taken out have ever brought money to pay for their own cinema ticket or whatever, so what do you think? If you invite out your child's friend, do you cover the cost of it or do you pay for it all yourself as you invited them.

OP posts:
Magicalmrmistofeles · 03/07/2015 21:24

I think if you invite them, you pay. If it's 'we are going to x it will be £25 if your child wants to come too' then that's fine. I wouldn't invite and then expect the other side to cover costs.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/07/2015 21:25

But it did cost the family money- merlin passes are not free.

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:27

But nameforsexboard she wasn't doing me any favours! In fact I was the one doing her a favour by allowing my daughter to go and keep hers company. I paid the £30 (more than once) and they had their passes. Confused

OP posts:
Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 21:27

Gosh I actually feel sorry for your friend, candy. The other mum "put a stop to it!." What, having another family take your child out!? How ungrateful.

Just say no if it's not something you want to pay for. Make a mental note that she does things differently and ask for the cost....

Her. Would little Frances like to come to x with us?
You. Oh that sounds lovely, how much is it?
her. It's x amount.
you. Not this time but thanks for asking, OR, yes that sounds lovely thanks for the invitation!

No need to put a stop to anything.

But then if a friend suggests going out for a meal I don't expect her to pay, or cinema etc. ..

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:28

But then why didn't they just go by themselves? My dd and the other kid who was targeted both felt it was off to do this.

If they want to by merlin passes that's up to them!

OP posts:
Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 21:29

Don't send her then! Your daughter was getting a day out she wouldn't otherwise have done that day, wit a friend.

I find its harder being responsible for someone else's child, but the favour tends to be returned with other play dates.

If your daughter isn't going to enjoy a day out with her friend say no!

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:30

But it is different for adults isn't it. That's a given you pay for yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:30

I have said upthread I have said no several times now. Don't get shirty

OP posts:
Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 21:31

It's not us btw, I've not yet got the guts to take another kid to a theme park!

But we often go out by ourselves but it's a nice thing to do to invite a friend, for them! Just like play dates and other being sociable. I'm grateful when a friend has my kids, and her when I take hers!

How very bizarre.

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:32

But my point is if you can't afford to take someone else's child on a day out why invite them? I'd be way too embarrassed to ask someone for £30. I'd rather take them to swimming for £3!

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 03/07/2015 21:35

I'm surprised by responses too. If my dc were invited out with a friend's family, I would expect to pay for them. I'd probably expect them to pay if we took their child too. If I offered, it would be that we were going anyway and their dc might enjoy it, not that I wanted their dc as company for my child...I'd think it was a bit cheeky to expect the family who were going to pay for an extra child.

EldonAve · 03/07/2015 21:37

YANBU
I think it's fine at the invite stage to say "would X like to come, tkt will be $$"
If I invite someone's child to something then I assume I'm paying
If my kid gets invited then I will offer $$ and if declined will send them with some spends anyway so they can get the popcorn in for everyone etc

littlejohnnydory · 03/07/2015 21:39

Completely disagree, Candy - she was doing you a favour, not the other way round. She was offering to take your child on a day out that they might enjoy with their friend. It's harder taking someone else's dc, not easier. They have different boundaries, you don't know them as well, your own dc shows off and fools around because there's someone else there and you don't get the quality time with your own dc. If I asked them, it would be because I thought my dc and the friend would really enjoy going together, not because it was a good thing from my point of view!

blink1552 · 03/07/2015 21:42

Let it go on them getting in 'free' themselves. Merlin passes cost a bomb whether bought in real cash or tesco points. They have paid for their tickets.

I think it would be ok to invite your DD and ask you to pay when it's something so expensive, if and only if the cost is stated in the original invitation. Still, you know they do this now so you can mentally add that bit. Charging you £6 for DD's meal is grim though.

I have always paid for invited children, but then I've never invited one to a theme park. If we did invite a child to something that expensive, or on holiday for example, I don't think it's massively rude to discuss a contribution from the child's parents. Much as it would be with your own friends - you expect to treat your guests up to a certain point, but that doesn't mean you can't invite them to the theatre or on a round-the-world cruise unless you can afford to pay for everyone! But to spring it on the child's parents after they've accepted, or to expect them to contribute to every little thing, is not nice.

Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 21:43

So you think it's you doing them a favour allowing them to have your child out with them? I've never come across that before to be honest!

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:44

No Johnny like I said before. If it was a one of expensive trip fair enough, but when that's all you're being asked to do and then to pay for £6 for a kids meal on top it's a bit much! I wouldn't dream of not covering the cost of a day out. I always send spending money but clearly they wanted my dd to go as company so they could do these if days out. If they were going for little local activities not an issue as such. Though I still wouldn't ask anyone for the money to take their child out

OP posts:
BigRedBall · 03/07/2015 21:45

What?! No way are you being reasonable! Can't believe people are agreeing with you on this here.

Whenever dd has gone anywhere with her friend I ALWAYS pay for her ticket, and vice versa. Why on earth would they pay for your child's tickets? Isn't taking her and looking after her a whole day a big enough favour already?

yellowcurtains · 03/07/2015 21:46

I don't agree with you littlejohnnydory. The other family just want candy's dd to go along so they don't have to entertain their child! If you invite, you pay, end of story!
YANBU candy. Taking money from a small child's purse is unforgivable!

Loletta · 03/07/2015 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeeWe · 03/07/2015 21:47

If I invited I would pay.

However if my dc is invited I always offer to pay. Usually it is refused in which case I send them with some money to buy everyone an ice cream or similar.

I wouldn't be put out if someone asked me to pay-after all they're saving me paying for my ticket if I took them (plus the other siblings)

jellybeans · 03/07/2015 21:47

Yanbu. I generally offer to pay if I invite a child. But when my DC are invited, at least half ask for money. It's difficult if they are very well off and I have to think carefully if I can afford 50 quid out of the blue. But as long as they tell you in advance is the main thing so at least you can decline.

Nameforsexboard · 03/07/2015 21:48

I'd find it odd if someone else insisted on paying. I'd wonder if they thought we needed charity perhaps but wouldn't say no either. Would find I awkward feeling I ought to reciprocate etc.

Original poster
Candycoco · 03/07/2015 21:51

Those of you who expect your kids friends to pay for themselves do you actually ask the parents for the money even if it's cinema or swimming etc? What if they didn't offer, would you say you owe me a fiver?
I would find that so embarrassing I couldn't do it

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 03/07/2015 21:52

If the other child is an only, I would be extremely surprised if there was anything altruistic in their offer, littlejohnny. You never seem to see people with 3+ kids casting around for another one to invite because "they might enjoy it", do you?
Because their kids don't need a companion brought in from the outside, as it were. If you're inviting another child for a day out, you pay.

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