To feel totally and utterly pissed off that she lied to me and upset my kids?

[LauraW83]

Hi I'm after a place to vent before I scream, it's about my husband's sister. Now before i start I just want to explain that I do like her but she's a complete nightmare and will regularly make plans and then bail, she says one things but does another, she is the most unorganised person ever and she has been known to stretch the truth on many occasions, never the less, my kids love her.

So a few months back she asked if she could take our 12yo Ds and 10yo Dd on holiday to South Wales for the first week of the summer holidays for four days (they've already broken up here) along with her three daughters who are of similar age to our kids as well as her friend and son too. I said yes this was fine as long as she didn't mind and our kids have been really looking forward to it.

They're due to go on Monday so I've text SiL yesterday to finalise everything, ie how much money they need to take, what clothes etc they need, and then she text me back last night saying that she doesn't think that they'll be able to go now!

I text her back asking why and she said that the hire car she was supposed to be renting she now can't have. She doesn't have her own car you see so she was going to hire one to take some of the kids, and her friend and then her mum (my MiL) had agreed to drive the rest of the kids down and then come back home and then pick them up again on the Friday, so everything was so called arranged.

But for the last few days I had a feeling that something would go wrong (it usually does with my SiL) and then comes the text from her. So I ask, why can't she have the car and she says that they won't let her hire it because she has six points on her licence! Now bearing in mind they go away in five days so it's kind of last minute (typical of SiL though) so you'd of thought that she would have already sorted the car out but no. Something didn't feel right as I've hired a car before with six points on my licence (speeding) and they never said it was a problem. So I sneakily asked her which company she was hiring it from and I phoned them, and guess what...? They told me that any person can hire a car from them if they have under 9 points on their licence, so she has blatently lied to me.

It took a while for the penny to drop and I asked myself why would she lie about something like that but then it dawned on me. You see me and Dh have a car each, we have to as I need one to take the kids to school and him for work etc. Anyhow she is always asking for lifts, asking us to "do her favours" asking can we squeeze one of her kids in etc etc and then it dawned on me, she either wanted my Dh to drive her to South Wales and back OR to borrow his car! She knew that Dh had booked off a long weekend from work and this is the only time this year we are going to get to enjoy some alone time, so she must of thought that he wouldn't need his car, so i genuinely feel that this was the plan all along and there was no rental car in the first place.

Now you see for some people they'd just lend her their car and it wouldn't be an issue especially if she's taking their kids on holiday but she has had four crashes in the last five or six years including totalling their older brother's car last year meaning it had to be written off so there's no way Dh would allow her to drive his car. And for him to drive there and back in one day would take 9 hours and then the same on the Friday, there's just no way he's doing that.

She didn't actually come out and ask to borrow our car but she was hinting at it ie "oh I'll just have to get the train there but it'll cost me over £300 for everyone so it'll mean the kids can't have as much on holiday now" "oh I'll find a car from somewhere" etc etc. By now I knew she had lied to me so I just said, oh I've spoken to my Dh and he said that you can hire a car from X as long as you have under 9 points on your licence and instead of defending herself (as she always does if she thinks she's right) she just said, oh ok I'll get sorted.

This was last night but I woke to a text this morning saying she's found another company that would hire her a car, but basically she told me and her kids told my kids over Facebook that they couldn't go, and she got them all upset for nothing. Too and bottom of it is she didn't want to shell out a few hundred quid on a hire car and expected a free lift off Dh even thought she knew this weekend was the first we'd had together in two years OR she wanted his car. Now if she had asked outright could she borrow it we'd of still said no but at least she'd of been honest and not lied. And before anyone calls me ungrateful as she's taking my kids away after all, I am actually very grateful, but I'm sick to death of nothing going to plan with her, sick of her dramas and sick of her lying. So tell me please, AIBU?

Jesus there are some fucking twats on this thread. you really are making yourselves look very stupid.

At NO POINT WHATSOEVER has it been said that the SIL would be driving the children.

OP yanbu, it sounds like you really need a break and this is just another thing in a long line in crapness from your SIL.

Why does mil have to go? Can't friend and her son fit your dc in her car?

I think I may have misunderstood.

The holiday is still happening?

The cousins told OPs kids over FB that it wasn't happening when they thought that it wasn't?

That bit might not be SILs fault!

It's all very well calling people 'twats' for possibly not RTFT but the thread is a masterclass in the art of the strategic drip feed.
I have RTFT btw.

Nor rtft, but YANBU.
I was the child with the scatty Aunty who would promise the moon thethenuldn't deliver.Holidays, trips, sleepovers all promised then I'd be let down. It was crap.

YANBU to be irritated at her uselessness.
YABU to not lend her your car or contribute toward the hire car.

the end.

FFS

Another thread where people are obviously bored and want to jump on the poster.

YANBU OP. Not even a little. The fact is, she invited them, she said she would sort out the transport then lied to you about not being able to hire a car. Instead of asking you outright to borrow your dh's car she lied and manipulated the situation so you would feel bad about saying no to the lift/borrow the car.

Shitty thing to do. Don't invite people on holiday, say you will sort out transport if you have no intentions of actually doing so. If she wanted you to help pay for the hire car or to borrow your husband's car she should have said straight away, not made up lies and make promises she can't deliver.

Ignore the people who are twisting everything. The heat must be getting to them.

How annoying,just wrote a long reply to this but it didn't post. Harrumph.
Yanbu to want time to yourself,with your dh or with your ds. Unfortunately most of us don't get much of that once we have DC. The two years bit made me a bit irritated tbh.
If your sil is that flakey I either would have helped her plan everything in advance or not told my DC. I don't tell ds if we have plans until the day. Things happen,people are unreliable or get ill so it's easier to have it on s need to know basis. He is only 4 though.
Your DC are pretty young to be on FB. I guess they could have been told other ways though.
All your outrage at dh not driving,lending his car etc is a bit ott. Whilst I get his mum was going anyway,all your stroppy comments about driving in the heat etc haven't really cast you in a great light.
I personally wouldn't let my DC go away with a flakey person who is a bit of a shit driver. I do judge someone who has had that many accidents/points & I wouldn't feel comfortable handing over my DC to her for a holiday.
Yanbu to be pissed off but knowing her you could have foreseen & planned.

i'd be fucking fuming.

the lying is crap. the manipulation, the sponging. but the worst for me, is playing with your kid's emotions. they were so excited and now they are devastated and that is just crap.

i know you badly need the break and are incredibly disappointed too.

i think they should still go. mil can still drive them and sil will have to take the train with her kids. i suspect if you suggest this she will suddenly find a way to hire the car.

is she completely desperately skint?

finally, the next time she suggests something like this i'd say 'you know that sounds lovely and the kids would adore it, but after last time i think we just have to say no. it's just not worth the angst or drama.'

or the other way to stop this cycle is to do it to her. try all the tricks on her that she tries on you. perhaps that will give her pause for thought.

This is one of the most crazy posts I have read - you say she is unreliable as well as a dangerous driver - you would not trust her with your car - but you do with your children? Something wrong here.

Sorry OP have now read most of the thread and realise you were intending for MIL to drive them.

Im not sure why the OP is getting such a flaming. She didnt ask sil to take her kids. Sil offered and I think that if you offer to do something then you should keep your word. And you should look into what it will cost you/logistics before you make promises to kids.

On the face of it sil is doing the OP a favour by having the kids for a weekend, but it stops being such a favour if the OP or her dh then end up doing the driving/lending their car in order for this favour to occur.

The only thing I thibk OP should do is cover the genuine costs of her dc going, which she's offered already.

ImpishElf MIL is driving them down so her being a bad driver is only relevant as to why OP and her DH won't lend SIL a car. Though what a fab MIL for doing such a long drive - and presumably back again.

I am a bit about her being the responsible adult for the duration of the holiday - I'd be more wary I think but OP must know what SIL is capable of. Perhaps SIL is only flacky when it suit her purposes.

I do think OP you need to find strategies of dealing with her. The example you give of taxi not turning up to get her to a party - don't jump in with lifts - ask her why she hasn't rung the taxi company and complained or just reply oh well ring another company. These are not your problems - stop letting her make them yours.

I'd be pretty annoyed with the whole playing with emotions of the DC bit. YANBU there at all.

Did she ask you first about holiday or jump in with the DC first ? I have a relative who did that told the DC things were happening without running it past us the parent putting us in position of being bad guy - went with a well x should haven't have said that and they know that - before making our decision independently of the position they had put us in. Over time they have stopped doing it.

I'd try and avoid in future situations involving her - if possible to protect your DC a bit more from it all and to avoid the stress for yourself - if not pin her down as much as possible and have contingencies plans in plan as much as feasible.

In short - you know what she is like - she isn't going to change - so try and minimise it's impact on your immediate family.

Oh and enjoy the few hours as just a couple you are getting- we get very few of these as well and I get very excited about them too.

I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to make a point that might, or might not have been made earlier.
I have just arranged a rental car for our holiday in Europe (not having done so for years).I wa sreally shocked to read in the small print that they will block 2900 euros on my credit card as a deposit even though I will take out full CDW insurance.they don't take the money, they just get authorisation
It may well be your sIL does not have that kind of unused credit limit on her card.

YANBU OP. SIL sounds like a right chancer with the stuff she pulled over alton towers and the birthday party. It sounds like she wants to be doing all these things but seems to think other people should be picking up the tab and organising it all for her.

She asked could she take your kids on holiday. Apart from a money contribution towards their costs, which you were offering, the holiday should have been organised by her, and trying to hint at getting your DH to drive or to get his car in the week before going is just sly. I can't stand people who hint and hint instead of just bloody asking for what they want.

As for your posts, there was nothing wrong with them, I understood them perfectly. Some posters are intentionally obtuse.

You are also not allowed to be annoyed at anyone if they were doing you a favour, no matter how unreasonable their behaviour. How dare you expect your SIL to actually carry through on her plans to take your DC on holiday, they are YOUR kids after all yada yada yada.

Agree with Eddie lizard at 1004.

She probably won't change.... So guess you need to adjust your expectations... It is horrid and some people are massively flaky... I've heard variations on this, and experienced it myself... Some people get very involved in all the grand gestures, then just flake out once anyone expects them to do anything... Like actually do what they suggested... This in turn makes them behave in passive aggressive ways, and also lie/manipulate...

I would only get involved in any arrangements with her if you can tolerate all tje associated angst... I wouldn't!

OP YANBU, your sister in law suggested the holiday and hiring a car etc. It's not your fault that she is clearly useless at arranging trips and you should not be expected to lend her a car or get your DH to drive.

In future I'd say no to any future trips etc, hopefully she'll get the mesage.

Just an update. My SiL has telephoned this morning to tell me that she has now lost her driving licence! Although when I spoke to her the other day she said she had the licence but not the paper bit. I'm not good at confrontation, not one bit but I'm going to lose it with her. By now saying she's lost her licence (which is utter bullshit) she clearly is trying to back me into a corner and say I'll lend her the car or drive her down to Wales, well I guess the holiday is now off as I'm not doing it, feel so sorry for my kids being let down like this!

She will need both parts of her licence to hire a car.

The law changed earlier this year, she doesn't need the paper bit, go on the dvla website! She is just making excuses though...

Why S wales?

Has she got friends there or access to/cheap/accommodation?

Has she booked accommodation as she surely wouldn't want to lose that?

If not, would you be willing to drive her & the kids somewhere closer for the sake of your kids, or are they still under the impression that the holiday is off?

I hired a care recently and needed both, it may vary between hire companies.