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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel totally and utterly pissed off that she lied to me and upset my kids?

215 replies

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 19:21

Hi I'm after a place to vent before I scream, it's about my husband's sister. Now before i start I just want to explain that I do like her but she's a complete nightmare and will regularly make plans and then bail, she says one things but does another, she is the most unorganised person ever and she has been known to stretch the truth on many occasions, never the less, my kids love her.

So a few months back she asked if she could take our 12yo Ds and 10yo Dd on holiday to South Wales for the first week of the summer holidays for four days (they've already broken up here) along with her three daughters who are of similar age to our kids as well as her friend and son too. I said yes this was fine as long as she didn't mind and our kids have been really looking forward to it.

They're due to go on Monday so I've text SiL yesterday to finalise everything, ie how much money they need to take, what clothes etc they need, and then she text me back last night saying that she doesn't think that they'll be able to go now!

I text her back asking why and she said that the hire car she was supposed to be renting she now can't have. She doesn't have her own car you see so she was going to hire one to take some of the kids, and her friend and then her mum (my MiL) had agreed to drive the rest of the kids down and then come back home and then pick them up again on the Friday, so everything was so called arranged.

But for the last few days I had a feeling that something would go wrong (it usually does with my SiL) and then comes the text from her. So I ask, why can't she have the car and she says that they won't let her hire it because she has six points on her licence! Now bearing in mind they go away in five days so it's kind of last minute (typical of SiL though) so you'd of thought that she would have already sorted the car out but no. Something didn't feel right as I've hired a car before with six points on my licence (speeding) and they never said it was a problem. So I sneakily asked her which company she was hiring it from and I phoned them, and guess what...? They told me that any person can hire a car from them if they have under 9 points on their licence, so she has blatently lied to me.

It took a while for the penny to drop and I asked myself why would she lie about something like that but then it dawned on me. You see me and Dh have a car each, we have to as I need one to take the kids to school and him for work etc. Anyhow she is always asking for lifts, asking us to "do her favours" asking can we squeeze one of her kids in etc etc and then it dawned on me, she either wanted my Dh to drive her to South Wales and back OR to borrow his car! She knew that Dh had booked off a long weekend from work and this is the only time this year we are going to get to enjoy some alone time, so she must of thought that he wouldn't need his car, so i genuinely feel that this was the plan all along and there was no rental car in the first place.

Now you see for some people they'd just lend her their car and it wouldn't be an issue especially if she's taking their kids on holiday but she has had four crashes in the last five or six years including totalling their older brother's car last year meaning it had to be written off so there's no way Dh would allow her to drive his car. And for him to drive there and back in one day would take 9 hours and then the same on the Friday, there's just no way he's doing that.

She didn't actually come out and ask to borrow our car but she was hinting at it ie "oh I'll just have to get the train there but it'll cost me over £300 for everyone so it'll mean the kids can't have as much on holiday now" "oh I'll find a car from somewhere" etc etc. By now I knew she had lied to me so I just said, oh I've spoken to my Dh and he said that you can hire a car from X as long as you have under 9 points on your licence and instead of defending herself (as she always does if she thinks she's right) she just said, oh ok I'll get sorted.

This was last night but I woke to a text this morning saying she's found another company that would hire her a car, but basically she told me and her kids told my kids over Facebook that they couldn't go, and she got them all upset for nothing. Too and bottom of it is she didn't want to shell out a few hundred quid on a hire car and expected a free lift off Dh even thought she knew this weekend was the first we'd had together in two years OR she wanted his car. Now if she had asked outright could she borrow it we'd of still said no but at least she'd of been honest and not lied. And before anyone calls me ungrateful as she's taking my kids away after all, I am actually very grateful, but I'm sick to death of nothing going to plan with her, sick of her dramas and sick of her lying. So tell me please, AIBU?

OP posts:
paulapompom · 01/07/2015 21:18

Should say OP not ok, don't tell me I have to leave now and be banished to netmums

Cockbollocks · 01/07/2015 21:19

At the end of the day she made a promise got your children excited and then let them down. Yadnbu.

If she couldn't do it she shouldn't have offered.

Cockbollocks · 01/07/2015 21:24
slithytove · 01/07/2015 21:30

Bloody hell you've had a hard time of it on here

Yanbu.

  1. If someone wants to nay insists on taking the kids away, (unless discussed at the initial idea) I would expect them to bear the costs, and be grateful they were treating my kids. I will of course offer what I can, but if I could afford it myself, I would be the one doing it!

I think you offering a contribution is very reasonable and sounds like a good amount for 4 days. £50 will do an average car about 300 miles, or 6 or so hours. Seems like a healthy chunk if the journey is 4.5 hours.

  1. If sil wants to arrange a trip, then she needs to arrange a trip, from transport, to accommodation, to food, to payments if needed. Not expect you to jump in at the last minute.
  1. I don't lend cars. Probably many people don't. Why should you. Who would pay for the additional insurance needed.
  1. This was arranged for your sil and various relatives. It is totally reaonable that you make plans and even arrange for some time as a couple. It is also reasonable that you would be upset at that being cancelled.
  1. Sil shouldn't have lied to try and manipulate you.
  1. Your sentence structure, grammar and spelling is irrelevant. And I understand your op and subsequent posts.

Think I've covered it all? Grin

VixxFace · 01/07/2015 21:30

Only half way through the story but because of her numerous crashes your dp won't let her drive his car but is fine having his kids in the car with her Hmm

VixxFace · 01/07/2015 21:31

ah x post times 100

AwfulBeryl · 01/07/2015 21:32

Mil is going Vixx, she was / is going to take the ops children Smile

slithytove · 01/07/2015 21:32

I am related to a flaky creature who just adores my kids but lets them down more often than not.

I just don't make plans any more. I would advise you do the same.

Does your 4 year old sleep through? Could you book a babysitter one night after bedtime and you and DH go out for a bit?

AwfulBeryl · 01/07/2015 21:32

Another x post Grin

kewtogetin · 01/07/2015 21:33

It sounds to me like a simmering cauldron of resentment. You've had no help with your children, that's not unusual, plenty of other people in your situation.
You want some time with DH, perfectly understandable and not an unreasonable request BUT you have made a mistake in designating your SIL as the person to look after your children whilst you do this.
You know she's got form! You know she's unreliable and yet you're angry at her for being all the things you know she is! So yes, you have done something wrong i.e selecting the completely wrong person to look after your children.
If you want proper, steady reliable childcare then you have to pay for it.

Klayden · 01/07/2015 21:36

I'm too fecking sweat for judgy pants tonight. Grin

VixxFace · 01/07/2015 21:36

Got to the end and realised that beryl Grin

slithytove · 01/07/2015 21:37

Kew are you mad!

Nowhere has op said she wants childcare, or has designated her sil to look after her kids!

Flaky auntie loves kids and wants to spend time with them, unsolicited. Op agrees.
Coincidentally, and last minute, op DH gets time off work so they decide to spend it together. They look forward to this. Upset when it might have to be cancelled because flaky aunty is again flaky.

Hardly using her for childcare!
Bet if op had said no to her Sil you would accuse her of not allowing them to have a relationship.

kewtogetin · 01/07/2015 21:40

Slithy, the number of times you've used 'flaky' in your post is the key! Why did the OP think this was ever going to end well?

Silverdaisy · 01/07/2015 21:40

Scotland to South Wales is a long way to go. I probably would have thought way to much for this sil to pull off. Esp when asking mil to provide transport there and back (but not stay over). Has Mil been invited to stay?

paulapompom · 01/07/2015 21:41

Slithy you are the voice of reason imo
You have these Flowers and this Wine

RiverTam · 01/07/2015 21:46

Oh, do shut up, kew. Didn't you read the but about the op having an autistic preschooler who will still be at home.

RTFT, then go back and read it again, and when you've properly understood, then comment.

OP, yanbu. It's hard when you have someone like this who your DC adore and who talks the talk but when it comes down to it lets everyone down.

slithytove · 01/07/2015 21:48

Yes true kew and im sure op won't trust her again. But I've been in that position and it's hard. But to say she is using sil for childcare is a bit too much of a stretch!

I do feel for you op, it sounds like you need a break. Would MIL help for a night?

Many thanks Paula!

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 21:51

Did you not read the part were I said my Ds is autistic? He won't even stay with my parents let alone a total stranger. I would be oh so willing to pay someone to come and mind him but this would cause him so much undue distress that I wouldn't be able to relax due to worrying, which kind of defeats the point of going out really.

OP posts:
LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 21:54

Can I just say I don't live in Scotland lol, i don't know we're that came from, i live in Cumbria x

OP posts:
Jen1610 · 01/07/2015 21:57

Op I understand why you are annoyed. I get why your pissed off at the kids being told they weren't going and being pissed off.

However, now it's resolved just relax, have a glass of wine and leave this thread where the majority of people having a go at you havent even read the full thing.

By the way, my sister has severe dyslexia, don't let anyone upset you by slagging your spelling or grammar etc because you would never of known. So be proud of yourself and ignore the fuckwits. Hope you have a relaxing weekend with two less kids to look after.

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 21:59

lol aw thankyou I will. Just can't help worry though now that there's going to be some awkwardness between us and SiL but I suppose there's not much I can do now.

OP posts:
peachypips · 01/07/2015 22:03

Just an alternative point of view: I am very like your sister-in-law. I really want to do things when I'm feeling 'up', so I organise things. Then when reality bites I get very panicked and end up backing out. I am learning to ask myself this question before I make grandiose offerings or plans- "When I'm fed up will I still want to do this?" Or "If I'm having a bad day will I still be able to do this?"

I have an anxiety disorder and bipolar which doesn't help with the above! I feel for her. She seems to have a genuine desire to do all these things but hasn't learnt that she shouldn't agree to things she might back out of later.

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 22:05

I totally understand were you're coming from but my SiL hasn't got an anxiety disorder/depression etc, well not as far as I'm aware anyway.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 01/07/2015 22:05

OP, people will have thought Scotland as they break up for summer earlier.