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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel totally and utterly pissed off that she lied to me and upset my kids?

215 replies

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 19:21

Hi I'm after a place to vent before I scream, it's about my husband's sister. Now before i start I just want to explain that I do like her but she's a complete nightmare and will regularly make plans and then bail, she says one things but does another, she is the most unorganised person ever and she has been known to stretch the truth on many occasions, never the less, my kids love her.

So a few months back she asked if she could take our 12yo Ds and 10yo Dd on holiday to South Wales for the first week of the summer holidays for four days (they've already broken up here) along with her three daughters who are of similar age to our kids as well as her friend and son too. I said yes this was fine as long as she didn't mind and our kids have been really looking forward to it.

They're due to go on Monday so I've text SiL yesterday to finalise everything, ie how much money they need to take, what clothes etc they need, and then she text me back last night saying that she doesn't think that they'll be able to go now!

I text her back asking why and she said that the hire car she was supposed to be renting she now can't have. She doesn't have her own car you see so she was going to hire one to take some of the kids, and her friend and then her mum (my MiL) had agreed to drive the rest of the kids down and then come back home and then pick them up again on the Friday, so everything was so called arranged.

But for the last few days I had a feeling that something would go wrong (it usually does with my SiL) and then comes the text from her. So I ask, why can't she have the car and she says that they won't let her hire it because she has six points on her licence! Now bearing in mind they go away in five days so it's kind of last minute (typical of SiL though) so you'd of thought that she would have already sorted the car out but no. Something didn't feel right as I've hired a car before with six points on my licence (speeding) and they never said it was a problem. So I sneakily asked her which company she was hiring it from and I phoned them, and guess what...? They told me that any person can hire a car from them if they have under 9 points on their licence, so she has blatently lied to me.

It took a while for the penny to drop and I asked myself why would she lie about something like that but then it dawned on me. You see me and Dh have a car each, we have to as I need one to take the kids to school and him for work etc. Anyhow she is always asking for lifts, asking us to "do her favours" asking can we squeeze one of her kids in etc etc and then it dawned on me, she either wanted my Dh to drive her to South Wales and back OR to borrow his car! She knew that Dh had booked off a long weekend from work and this is the only time this year we are going to get to enjoy some alone time, so she must of thought that he wouldn't need his car, so i genuinely feel that this was the plan all along and there was no rental car in the first place.

Now you see for some people they'd just lend her their car and it wouldn't be an issue especially if she's taking their kids on holiday but she has had four crashes in the last five or six years including totalling their older brother's car last year meaning it had to be written off so there's no way Dh would allow her to drive his car. And for him to drive there and back in one day would take 9 hours and then the same on the Friday, there's just no way he's doing that.

She didn't actually come out and ask to borrow our car but she was hinting at it ie "oh I'll just have to get the train there but it'll cost me over £300 for everyone so it'll mean the kids can't have as much on holiday now" "oh I'll find a car from somewhere" etc etc. By now I knew she had lied to me so I just said, oh I've spoken to my Dh and he said that you can hire a car from X as long as you have under 9 points on your licence and instead of defending herself (as she always does if she thinks she's right) she just said, oh ok I'll get sorted.

This was last night but I woke to a text this morning saying she's found another company that would hire her a car, but basically she told me and her kids told my kids over Facebook that they couldn't go, and she got them all upset for nothing. Too and bottom of it is she didn't want to shell out a few hundred quid on a hire car and expected a free lift off Dh even thought she knew this weekend was the first we'd had together in two years OR she wanted his car. Now if she had asked outright could she borrow it we'd of still said no but at least she'd of been honest and not lied. And before anyone calls me ungrateful as she's taking my kids away after all, I am actually very grateful, but I'm sick to death of nothing going to plan with her, sick of her dramas and sick of her lying. So tell me please, AIBU?

OP posts:
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 01/07/2015 20:05

You said the £130 was "spends", didn't you? So money for your DC to treat themselves with, not to compensate SIL.

sorry but I'd rather keep my chidkren here with us than to let my Dh to drive 18 hours over own weekend in 30 degree heat.

Heaven forfend. But yes, all that driving doesn't sound fun... Poor MIL!

Where are they going btw? It sounds like a holiday park or suchlike if they're not going to need any transport while there. Do you really feel confident that SIL can look after all these children properly somewhere busy like that?

bittapitta · 01/07/2015 20:06

Not sure why you are being jumped on either OP. I think yanbu to be annoyed internally especially given the form she has for this kind of thing (so you say). But when the time comes you'll be grateful for the time alone so don't stir the pot, you just know with more certainty now what she is like so you can adjust your expectations in future accordingly.

youareallbonkers · 01/07/2015 20:07

Why don't you just hire the car for her and use that as your contribution. Problem solved

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 01/07/2015 20:11

Maybe she was feeling aggrieved when she found out the cost of the hire car that she was going to be bearing herself, and tried in an ill-advised way to get you to offer your car by making up the story about the points?

Your take on it is that she lied in order to borrow your car so she didn't have to pay for the hire car, yes? Is there any more to it?

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 20:11

Oh can this stop now really. If my MiL is willing to drive all that way and she doesn't mind then that is up to her and it is her choice to. She would of had to have driven anyway whether my kids were going or not as there wouldn't have been enough room in SiL's hire car. And yes I do appreciate her doing this but try and understand, me and my Dh are desperate for a break! And after four years of coping with an autistic child I think we bloody deserve one.

OP posts:
SycamoreMum · 01/07/2015 20:12

My goodness OP. This isn't going well. Confused Just be glad that its all sorted; the kids are going, you've given nearly £200 towards the trip, your MiL doesn't mind driving your kids and you get your weekend with your husband. I understand your annoyance with the SiL but all is sorted now. Just have a cuppa/Pimms and roll on the weekend.

Hairylegs007 · 01/07/2015 20:12

Hang on your DH won't let her drive his car but will let her drive the kids! Crazy or what! The kids are far more precious then the car. The car is replaceable.

WhyTheDrama · 01/07/2015 20:13

Mumsnet gets weirder by the second. Hmm I don't understand why everyone's pouncing on the OP. Confused Maybe it's the hot weather?

OP, your DSIL sounds like a pain. It's irritating when people lie about things like that when she could just gave asked. I also would lend my car to my siblings - I used to but I've learnt not to. Shock

The only thing you can do is to realise that she won't change so any arrangements with her should be carefully thought out. I have some equally flakey relatives and generally find its better to arrange meet ups with no expectations of them even turning up. We might say that we are going to the pub at six if you fancy joining us there. We all get on well but I know not to arrange to meet at specific times or similar.

Hairylegs007 · 01/07/2015 20:14

The easiest thing would be just to cover your children's train fare

bittapitta · 01/07/2015 20:15

hairy and no doubt others RTFT! She is not driving their kids. Talk about the whole thread being derailed!

Hairylegs007 · 01/07/2015 20:15

I understand you need a break

AuntyMag10 · 01/07/2015 20:15

The problem here is that your op was bloody confusing. Most of it was irrelevant. You confused people with a long winded story. Basically your sil invited your kids on holiday which your mil will be driving Them to, however your sil lied about transport as her intention was to use your dh car. Your kids would miss out eventhough your mil is transporting them, because your sil needs to be there. Simple.

bittapitta · 01/07/2015 20:16

I can't believe people haven't picked up on the SIL telling the kids on FB that the holiday is off. If my "family" did that to my kids I'd be royally upset.

KenAdams · 01/07/2015 20:17

You've said would of so many times! It's would have.

I still don't understand why your SIL having a car is relevant? She can just get the train, surely?

TendonQueen · 01/07/2015 20:18

If someone offered to take my kids on holiday, I'd ask what costs they were incurring and sort out paying a fair share. That would include a share of the cost of the hire car if one was required for the whole party, even if my kids weren't travelling in it. Spends for the kids would be on top.

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 20:18

Ok I'm not good at writing and putting sentences together, sorry.

OP posts:
Klayden · 01/07/2015 20:18

Yeah, to be fair, this was confusing and a lot of the information was irrelevant. I understand that you are upset with SIL for being a flake and YANBU for that but it got convoluted with other ramblings.

AmarettoSour · 01/07/2015 20:18

Oh ffs, typical AIBU posters twisting the OP's words.

Maybe it's just me but I find the notion that if someone is taking your dcs on holiday you must immediately offer to cover 100% of all costs a bit odd - it wouldn't cross my mind to take dniece away and demand her mum pays for all her activities while she's with me.

As for lending the H's car, I wouldn't lend mine to anyone. What happens if she does have an accident and can't afford the repair? Would she even be able to get insurance at such short notice? Hmm

OP some of these posters sound jealous that you are getting some child free time. YA def NBU to be annoyed at your sil messing you about!

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 20:21

Oh so we've run out of things to say now have we? so now we're reverting back to the typical grammar and punctuation ridicule, nice! Well as I'm dyslexic I'm used to having my writing, reading being ridiculed, thanks.

OP posts:
LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 20:23

Thanks but trust me they've nothing to be jealous of. We've still got out ds but will be having a few hours and Monday to be us for a while and no just mum and dad x

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/07/2015 20:25

OP take a breath for 5 minutes. Tricky posting in here, just takes one person to latch onto to one thing and it's like sledging down a bank. Not sure what direction it'll go Grin

I have a flaky SIL who my youngest adores but she's one of the most frustrating people I've ever met. She'll make plans and then cancel or put the time back several hours which to an 8 yr old, never mind an autistic one is hell on earth.

Never ever tell your kids about plans until there's a knock on the door more or less so it can be canceled and unfortunately it means you yourself can only make loose plans.

It's the only way that works.

Fugghetaboutit · 01/07/2015 20:26

Op, are you new here? The whole point of AIBU is to get jumped on Grin

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 20:27

Yes I'm new, and I didn't realise lol, I'll think twice before posting in the future.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitz · 01/07/2015 20:28

Yabu having six points for speeding so is your sister

Klayden · 01/07/2015 20:29

Picking on grammar is low low low.