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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel totally and utterly pissed off that she lied to me and upset my kids?

215 replies

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 19:21

Hi I'm after a place to vent before I scream, it's about my husband's sister. Now before i start I just want to explain that I do like her but she's a complete nightmare and will regularly make plans and then bail, she says one things but does another, she is the most unorganised person ever and she has been known to stretch the truth on many occasions, never the less, my kids love her.

So a few months back she asked if she could take our 12yo Ds and 10yo Dd on holiday to South Wales for the first week of the summer holidays for four days (they've already broken up here) along with her three daughters who are of similar age to our kids as well as her friend and son too. I said yes this was fine as long as she didn't mind and our kids have been really looking forward to it.

They're due to go on Monday so I've text SiL yesterday to finalise everything, ie how much money they need to take, what clothes etc they need, and then she text me back last night saying that she doesn't think that they'll be able to go now!

I text her back asking why and she said that the hire car she was supposed to be renting she now can't have. She doesn't have her own car you see so she was going to hire one to take some of the kids, and her friend and then her mum (my MiL) had agreed to drive the rest of the kids down and then come back home and then pick them up again on the Friday, so everything was so called arranged.

But for the last few days I had a feeling that something would go wrong (it usually does with my SiL) and then comes the text from her. So I ask, why can't she have the car and she says that they won't let her hire it because she has six points on her licence! Now bearing in mind they go away in five days so it's kind of last minute (typical of SiL though) so you'd of thought that she would have already sorted the car out but no. Something didn't feel right as I've hired a car before with six points on my licence (speeding) and they never said it was a problem. So I sneakily asked her which company she was hiring it from and I phoned them, and guess what...? They told me that any person can hire a car from them if they have under 9 points on their licence, so she has blatently lied to me.

It took a while for the penny to drop and I asked myself why would she lie about something like that but then it dawned on me. You see me and Dh have a car each, we have to as I need one to take the kids to school and him for work etc. Anyhow she is always asking for lifts, asking us to "do her favours" asking can we squeeze one of her kids in etc etc and then it dawned on me, she either wanted my Dh to drive her to South Wales and back OR to borrow his car! She knew that Dh had booked off a long weekend from work and this is the only time this year we are going to get to enjoy some alone time, so she must of thought that he wouldn't need his car, so i genuinely feel that this was the plan all along and there was no rental car in the first place.

Now you see for some people they'd just lend her their car and it wouldn't be an issue especially if she's taking their kids on holiday but she has had four crashes in the last five or six years including totalling their older brother's car last year meaning it had to be written off so there's no way Dh would allow her to drive his car. And for him to drive there and back in one day would take 9 hours and then the same on the Friday, there's just no way he's doing that.

She didn't actually come out and ask to borrow our car but she was hinting at it ie "oh I'll just have to get the train there but it'll cost me over £300 for everyone so it'll mean the kids can't have as much on holiday now" "oh I'll find a car from somewhere" etc etc. By now I knew she had lied to me so I just said, oh I've spoken to my Dh and he said that you can hire a car from X as long as you have under 9 points on your licence and instead of defending herself (as she always does if she thinks she's right) she just said, oh ok I'll get sorted.

This was last night but I woke to a text this morning saying she's found another company that would hire her a car, but basically she told me and her kids told my kids over Facebook that they couldn't go, and she got them all upset for nothing. Too and bottom of it is she didn't want to shell out a few hundred quid on a hire car and expected a free lift off Dh even thought she knew this weekend was the first we'd had together in two years OR she wanted his car. Now if she had asked outright could she borrow it we'd of still said no but at least she'd of been honest and not lied. And before anyone calls me ungrateful as she's taking my kids away after all, I am actually very grateful, but I'm sick to death of nothing going to plan with her, sick of her dramas and sick of her lying. So tell me please, AIBU?

OP posts:
peachypips · 01/07/2015 22:07

In the past I've been known to lie to get out of things that have panicked me too. I know that this is wrong and annoying. I think she probably needs gently and very kindly telling that you will still love her if she doesn't agree to big things and that you'd rather she was just honest about what she can and can't do.

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 22:07

Ah right do they, no we are in Cumbria. Ds breaks up tomorrow and Dd broke up today.

OP posts:
peachypips · 01/07/2015 22:09

She may not be mentally unwell but the behaviour you describe is very indicative of underlying anxiety and insecurity. This doesn't excuse her behaviour but may explain it and enable you to understand her?

LauraW83 · 01/07/2015 22:10

And if I thought that this was genuinely the case then believe me she would have my understanding and my help but, and I don't mean this to seem nasty....there's bugger all wrong with her. I like her don't get me wrong but she's simply disorganised, scatty and can be very self centred.

OP posts:
Singsongsung · 01/07/2015 22:17

So to recap, you don't trust her to drive your car but you do trust her to drive your kids???

maddening · 01/07/2015 22:23

Can you pay the car rental?

andthenagain · 01/07/2015 22:25

Singsongsung

Have you actually read the thread !!!!

SIL IS NOT DRIVING HER DC'S -HER MIL IS DRIVING THEM

CrispyFern · 01/07/2015 22:27

Yanbu. Your sister in law has been annoying and she shouldn't have said anything to the kids upsetting them.

RiverTam · 01/07/2015 22:30

you have to have read the thread in order to recap, singsong.

AbandonShark · 01/07/2015 22:30

Singsongsung Please say you're taking the piss with that post? Does anyone bother to RTFT these days?? Angry

OP, you are NBU. Your post was easy enough to understand, and it must have been a horrible feeling to think you were getting some precious time alone then feel like it was getting taken away, and likewise for your kids too. Hope it all works out in the end and the kids have a great holiday. And you manage to have some Wine

IUseAnyName · 01/07/2015 22:46

We live in cumbria and ours havent broken up yet :(..... Cant wait!

slithytove · 01/07/2015 22:50

Laura... I've been defending you here. Please don't bite my head off for suggesting a babysitter after your child is asleep. I don't know the ins and outs of their autism. It was only a suggestion.

Hairylegs007 · 01/07/2015 22:54

That would do my nut in. I think you need to let her fall flat on her face a few times. Not out of being cruel but because you love her.

Stratter5 · 01/07/2015 23:16

Bloody HELL people.

The SIL was NOT DRIVING THE OP'S CHILDREN. Her MIL had offered.

Sorry you've had such a rough ride, I'd be just as pissed off in your position, and as for letting your children down, well. Still, you'll know to never, ever trust her again. Flowers

Fatmomma99 · 01/07/2015 23:36

Wish we were breaking up tomorrow misses point of thread entirely

olympicsrock · 01/07/2015 23:53

Laura - YADNBU. I completely agree with Slithy.

Like you and DH, I do not lend cars or let anyone drive my car ever. A family friend crashed my brother's car when he was 19 - nightmare situation. The row enveloped 4 families arguing about who should pay the bill. It was a very expensive mistake and cost my mother her 3 best friends.

I also have 6 points on my licence for similar 35 in a 30 zone reasons - am not judging you.

Would be v pissed off that she got your children' hopes up then dashed them at the last minute and quite frankly is lying and manipulative.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 01/07/2015 23:58

I still feel a bit sorry for your mil, driving all that way and back in the heat. She's the hero of this story.

ellenjames · 02/07/2015 00:03

No way would my kids be going in a car with such an unsafe driver Shock

slithytove · 02/07/2015 00:06

How do you know mil is an unsafe driver ellen?

whatthe it's just another thing the sil planned poorly isn't it? Her transport arrangements aren't op's fault.

SugarOnTop · 02/07/2015 00:18

i've got an older sister who behaves like that Grin i think you're just going to have to accept that she is flakey, unreliable, dishonest, sneaky, underhand and rather manipulative in a passive aggressive way. it sounds like everybody brushes this behaviour from her under the carpet so now it's spilled over and affected your kids - instead of just hers.

she may be lovely in every other way but i wouldn't trust her with the safety or responsibility of my kids without me there. these are not genuine accidents, she is deliberately telling outright lies and playing games, with my sister it was all designed to put you on the spot or difficult/awkward position where you would feel compelled to step in and sort it out/give in to her, and it's always done in a 'i'm helpless/innocent' way to avoid taking any personal responsibility for the mess. she obviously knows you would never lend her your car hence her playing this game.

point is what you are going to about it now that her game playing is affecting your dc? you could call her out on her bullshit, you have enough 'evidence' of it but i doubt she'd own up, probably play the 'injured' party and call you ungrateful Grin i definitely wouldn't let her organise anything like this for my dc again or drive them anywhere with her track record - the risks she takes with her kids is her own business.

RhiWrites · 02/07/2015 02:08

This is like the GF sandwich thread.

It is unreasonable for OP's SIL to have left the transport arrangements this long to sort out and to passive aggressively hint for a lift or a borrowed car.

Don't make promises you're not able to deliver on.

Bogeyface · 02/07/2015 02:28

YANBU

:)

Altinkum · 02/07/2015 05:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Araisaris · 02/07/2015 06:03

Seriously people have you read the thread? SIL is not driving the op's kids.

sofato5miles · 02/07/2015 06:15

Ha ha ha. Loving the twats who see a 7 page thread and don't suspect that there may be further detail. SIL IS NOT DRIVING OP'S CHILDREN