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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

172 replies

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:02

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
Aermingers · 28/06/2015 02:03

No. Why does she have your DD's facebook password?

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:09

She doesn't. She looked through her phone.

OP posts:
karbonfootprint · 28/06/2015 02:11

She is your responsibility, not her grandparents responsibility.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/06/2015 02:12

Is it your house or your and her father's house. If it is your house and her father visits you there, then you can do what you want,

If it is your and her father's home - as in where he habitually lives then imo she isn't staying with you - she is spending time in her father's home. I don't think you can bar a 14 year old from their own home for bad behaviour. Sorry. I know how frustrating this must be but your house is her home as long as her father lives there.

Her behaviour was awful and she should be punished for it. Make sure your DD's facebook account is secure, don't give your step daughter access to computers while she is there.

14 year olds are hard. But I don't have the option of telling my 14 year old she can't live with me when she behaves badly - I have to deal with it differently and I think your stepdaughters dad has to do the same.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2015 02:14

She is being very unpleasant, but no you cannot bar her from your home.

If her father lives there full time then it is her home too.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:23

She's not my responsibility at all, nor is it her home. It's my children's home, and if her behaviour makes their lives more difficult is it not my responsibility to stop that at all costs?

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2015 02:25

Does her father live with you?

FixItUpChappie · 28/06/2015 02:27

what is her father doing to address the concerns?

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:28

Yes, and I see your point. But as we are constantly reminded, her home is with her mother, and I'm pretty sure she's only here once a week so that she can snoop while her mother goes out. Completely at the end of my tether here Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:30

Chappie, he tells her off, then her mother hits the roof. It's clear she does not respect him and in the meantime my DD is frequently upset.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2015 02:35

I see how hard things are for you right now but it is her home.

What she has done is completely wrong but don't you think she is picking up on things?

You are defensive of your children, as you should be but I'm not sure things feel very welcome at your house if you are saying stuff like 'It's not her house, it's my children's home' here.

Kids lash out when they feel unwanted. She is only 13.

FixItUpChappie · 28/06/2015 02:37

yuck- what a mess. Of course the ideal would be to consequence in such a way that doesn't sever contact or damage your partners underlying relationship with his daughter BUT......it's hard to consequence her at all when you only see her once a week and don't have any support from her mom.

what does your partner want to do?

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:39

Well obviously I wasn't feeling like this before this behaviour started. And her shit stirring will never be welcomed in my home so I'm hardly likely to sound loving and proud now. I know she's young, but the people she's reporting to are not. They are making this household a miserable one at the moment. I have two other children with my DH and their lives are being affected too.

OP posts:
Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:42

He is feeling pretty low atm. He just wants everybody to be happy, sweetheart that he is.

OP posts:
ChwatFeechers · 28/06/2015 03:03

Umm... Did you purposely name change half way through Confused

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 03:06

Yes, sorry. Not posted on here before. As it's sensitive I don't wish to be identified and assumed it'd change all of my posts. Oops.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2015 03:14

Don't worry.

Click report on your original post, you can ask MNHQ (Mumsnet Headquarters) to help you out if you don't want to be recognised.

They will help you out. :)

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 03:16

Thank you!

OP posts:
whiteiris · 28/06/2015 03:52

I don't agree about it being her home too if she only visits weekly. But it is yours and your children's only home, and it's not ok for you to tolerate unaddressed bad behaviour on an ongoing basis.

I would start with trying to get her father on board with discipline in the first instance. Also could you make some clear rules, such as no going into your daughter's room. ... .

captainproton · 28/06/2015 04:16

The problem is whiteiris is that when a stepchild only spends a short amount of time at dad's what sanctions do you impose if they do go in a room they aren't allowed in? I can sympathise, I accidentally stumbled upon something my DSS was doing that is probably bordering upon illegal. I suspect DSS was just experimenting but it could've my youngest who had found it and not me. I love DSS but I have told DH that if ever anything like that happens again or he threatens the safety of my children contact must take place away from them, I.e. With a relative. DH agrees, our children need to know home is safe, we did try to impose sanctions like removing DSS phone, but he called his mum on our landline she came and got him and bought him a new one. If the other parent is going to wilfully undermine you, then what choice do you have?

NobodyLivesHere · 28/06/2015 04:17

She's a child. You are an adult. And her mother being difficult is not her fault.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2015 04:19

Sorry but at 13 years old her fathers home is her home. Frequency doesn't matter.

She is a child, her father is her parent. His residence is her home.

maxxytoe · 28/06/2015 04:37

Send her to her grandparents if she can't be trusted and is making everyones life a misery . Yoir other children should not suffer in their home because she can't behave herself x

captainproton · 28/06/2015 07:26

For those telling OP she should ignore bad behaviour and her distraught child in favour of her DSD having contact in their home and not at grandparents. When attempts at discipline are met with presumably anger and derision from the mother. What would you do in the one or two days you see this child? Interested to know because parenting teens is hard enough when both parents agree on tackling a wilful teen who wants to cause mayhem. When one parent is trying to lay down boundaries and the other says, "no ignore them he is a twat," what then. I have seen these sort of texts from DSS mum to DSS when DH has tried to discipline him. DSS showed them to DH whilst laughing. It's thrown in your face and you are completely undermined. I would love to know why having contact on neutral territory is so damaging? It may even calm the situation down, for instance one-on-one time with dad and relatives. Not having to compete for affection with step siblings or half siblings. It's hardly abandonment is it, the OPs DSD may even prefer this setup.

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 07:32

I feel very sorry for this kid.
What is her father doing to address these issues?