AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

[everybodysaywayhooo]

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP, would it be possible for your DC to spend time with their Dad or grangparents when your stepdaughter is visiting, to give her more space and time with her Dad?

I don't think you are being the an adult parent here- I think you are behaving reactively, defensively and aggressively.

Your dsd is your child and deserves to be treated as an equal to your own. And no, she should not stay at gps. Do some proactive, positive discussions with both girls and some nice activities- banishing her will only perpetuate dysfunctional family relationships, imo.

So a 13-yr-old lies to her mother that her step-sister has been taking drugs, and takes info from her SS's facebook on her phone and gives it to the SS's father, all in an attempt to cause trouble. Then refuses to own up to the lie. And the OP should 'do some proactive, positive discussions with both girls and some nice activities'! Ha! Only on MN.

Indeed biscuit, because she is a stepchild her behaviour can only be a result of her broken home! Everyone else is to blame and no negative action should be taken. This child needs more treats its the only answer, the rest of the family should walk on eggshells until the SC resolves her issues even if that means they are potentially removed from their permanent home, at least the SC will not be jealous anymore!

I am baffled by some of the posts on here. I feel sorry for all concerned here. I think it's a very difficult situation to do the best thing for everyone, actually.

Yes, it sounds like the step-daughter is struggling and she certainly needs support. This does need addressed, but does not somehow negate the fact that what she has done is completely unacceptable. It was designed to hurt her step-sister (and step-mother, presumably) and was extremely nasty. It could lead to serious consequences, although I can see she probably will not have fully grasped the potential consequences- but she certainly knew what she was doing was wrong. I fail to see how giving her treats/holidays/fun activities is going to help matters. She needs firm boundaries in place, not buying off or rewarding bad behaviour with treats. Putting those boundaries in place when custody is one day a week and she has a mother who will not support those boundaries in any way is a near impossible task.

DSD needs to understand the potential implications of her actions, even at 13 years, and I think her father should sit her down and explain exactly why she should never do anything like this again. I think there should be consequences too- grounding or no privileges for a period of time for example. And an apology to her step-sister- I always found having to acknowledge the wrong-doing worse than any other punishment.

I also don't agree the OPs DD's happiness and sense of security in her home should be sacrificed for the sake of the DSD. Both girls needs are important, and so many posters don't even seem to think OPs DD needs matter at all. I find this odd.

In my view, I would not "ban" DSD from the home but I would make it very clear what is and is not acceptable and what punishment will be in place for bad behaviour and ask that she apologises to your DD for what she has done. I would be keeping a close eye, and if it is negatively effecting your DD, you may need to take further steps to protect her, such as ensuring little contact between them. I think you should also suggest your DH tries to discuss things with this ex-W to come up with mutually agreed strategy if this is possible. If this doesn't work/isn't possible, I think he may need to seek advice from professionals about what to do next

You call your "D"SD a massive trouble causer...looks to me like the real trouble causers in the situation are the adults- you, your partner, his ex, your ex. You have managed to create at least one seriously distressed and disturbed child (if not more) when you should be putting all your efforts in raising happy, secure children.

Maybe the "lie" about your DD taking drugs in her room when she was on a school trip was wrong about time, but it is something that has happened. Or maybe not.

But in any case to brand a child a trouble maker and use that as a reason for casting her out of family life is despicable.

So you if your dd starts to play up are you going to kick her out? You know when your dh's step child starts upsetting his daughter?

You KNOW she is being used by her mother, you have said that. It also seems to you when her mother goes out, so basically she isn't wanted in your house but her mum needs a night out so she is sent to yours where your dh is being the perfect dad to his other children, including the one you had before you met him.

That is how she is thinking about things. She is jealous, and I'm not surprised.

She's also a teenager with all the hormonal stuff, probably picking options for GCSE, worried she is too fat/thin/spotty/no bust/too much bust.

What was her relationship like when she was younger? Does she get any time with just her dad?

The adults in her life should be taking charge, pointing out that her bahaviour was unacceptable and working to change it.
Firstly they need to talk and listen.
I feel very sorry for her. She has a difficult mother,so it isn't as if she has any respite and understanding elsewhere.
I think it must be unbearable to have her father living day to day with another child of a similar age, one who is loved, fits in and can call it home. One who is loved and has a proper relationship with the younger children who see her as a sister.
In comparison she turns up once a week and can't have that same relationship with the younger children, even though her relationship to them is equal. She is a visitor and all sorts of things have gone in in that week that she knows nothing about. She is a stranger. She must pick up that actually step mother would be perfectly happy if she stayed with grandparents and saw her father without the rest of them. She wouldn't be unhappy and miss her. Step sister would probably be relieved.
I don't know how you deal with that as a child, especially if your mother is no help in dealing with it.
You don't need to give her special treats and attention, you just need to give her the same as the others. Sit down with both girls together and see what they think and what can be done to improve their relationship. Has she ever had one to one attention with OP? Time alone? If not then I would start- go out just the two of you and get to know each other. Make sure that she isn't the weekly visitor by phoning, texting, emailing- and skypeing with the younger ones. Mention her every day with the younger ones in conversation. Not just her father- she now has a relationship with everyone. Give her the same status as her step sister and half siblings even though she isn't there. If she felt it part of the family and that it was her home then I don't think that you would have the problem. I get the distinct impression that if she were to phone up and ask to come for a week no one, except the father, would be happy- there would be no one saying 'great, of course you can- stay as long as you like'. And she knows this.
How barring her from the house and sending her to grandparents can help beats me! Especially since she must know that her step sister would never be banished like that if she was difficult.

No wonder they wouldn't be happy for her to stay for a week!!!! It's baffling to me that from this story you have basically tried to justify this behaviour by blaming the parents and pressuring that none of the things you have suggested have been done?! Do you completely believe that this girl is blameless and should be in no way punished for her behaviour? I find this whole thing very bizzare!!

Genuine question, believe me I'm trying to rationalise all this in my mind because if this is how the majority of people feel I seriously need to rethink things!!

OP can I ask what decision you have made it where your thinking is on this?

I think this girl should be read the riot act, but banning her from her father's house? wtf?
And maybe the 'lie' about your precious dd was not a lie? just maybe?

What action should be taken to ease the plight of the resident child? Why should she tolerate being lied about and snooped on? None of this her fault either but obviously her stepsisters needs are more important, what a sad world it is for her! She has a twat if a dad threatening to remove her from her main home, her stepsister is spreading malicious lies about her, her mother is powerless to stop it and her stepfather is branded a terrible human if he puts a stop to it! maube if SHE starts lying about her stepsister and generally being a little brat she will get tea, sympathy and treats too seems like the sensible option for her according to the logic spouting from these posts!

Why should she tolerate being lied about and snooped on?

Who on this thread said she should have too?

You are twisting things.

I'm not, there has barely been a mention of the effect this is having in the DD who is also a DSD! Whatever action is taken this situation will not be resolved overnight. So if the girl continues to act this way, despite the interventions that have already taken place, the DD is the one who will suffer in the end. That's not twisting it IMO that's just fact. I agree she should be removed from the situation she has created until these issues have been resolved, for the sake of the other DSD!

Just because posters are focusing on DSD doesn't mean they don't have sympathy for the DD.

The thread is about whether or not a child should be banned from her fathers home.

get all of you to family therapy to discuss all these issues openly with a trained facilitator.

Sadly op, parents don't (or shouldn't) have the option of offloading a child at the first sign of difficulty. And she is your DP's child. It's hard. Trust me, I know. But she's family and you have to work through it together

Will you kick your eldest out at 14 if he/she causes your younger children grief? No? Well there you go!

I feel badly for your step-daughter. She didn't ask to be dropped into a blended family.

I absolutely have sympathy for the DD! Of course she has a right to feel happy and secure in her home. But the topic here is about how best to cope with DSD, and (IMO) banning her from the house would be the wrong approach to take with a vulnerable teenager. If it absolutely has to happen for the safety of the other DC in the house then so be it. But banning one's child from the house is a drastic action which should only be taken as a very last resort. Especially as it sounds like DSD doesn't have a stable home with her mother.

I absolutely do not agree with some posters who say that children from a previous relationship have more rights than resident children. I just think that starting from a point of "all our children are equals, how would I handle this if both were my biological children" is by far the best place to start. I had (and continue to have) a fantastic relationship with my step-dad because that's how he approached any situations with me.

The answer seems to be for the whole family to go to family therapy - it isn't working at the moment and someone trained and unbiased could help.

A PP upthread did actually say "Get your dd to hold on to her phone better and use a passcode". Now if that is not victim blaming I don't know what is.

I agree that all the children should be treated similarly (suitable to their needs and behaviour). Consequence for inappropriate behaviour should not be treats.

Having said that, with a proper apology from the DSD for what has gone one (and some truth telling) perhaps some one on one time for a child who is obviously struggling to please the most influential people in her life might help. It would not be as a response to this situation but more a way of moving on after it.

How you get the apology and truth telling is beyond me given that I don't know the child or your family. Has anyone talked to school?