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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

172 replies

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:02

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
Bellebella · 28/06/2015 12:45

I get where you are coming from but she is just a child. Her dad cannot just ship her out because she is misbehaving. It does not work like that and if your oh agrees with his daughter not being able to visit then he is no father!

What are you doing to get to the root of her problems? Are the girls bonding? Could you seperate them more?

Ultimately you say your daughter comes first but then surely his daughter should then come first to him?

listsandbudgets · 28/06/2015 12:47

You asked whether you were being unreasonable. A lot of people told you you were and gave reasons and outlined the possible long term consequences. You are now saying that their replies are ridiculously judgmental. If you don't want shocked answers don't ask inflammatory questions.

No judge is going to take your child away based on a bit of hearsay. A half way decent solicitor should be able to knock your ex's application on the head before it gets too far. I can understand you feeling upset but there is no way your sd understood that this could be the outcome... and how do you know she said it and it wasn't made up by your DH's ex. Are you sure she said it or are you just assuming ?

I am sorry you feel such negativity towards a child especially a child who should be a positive part of your life and your relationship with your husband.

SaucyJack · 28/06/2015 12:47

Why is your DD sobbing constantly because her SS told her mother a lie about her? How does she even know, and why have you allowed her to think it's a big deal?

SaucyJack · 28/06/2015 12:50

Sorry. Just read your much earlier post.

listsandbudgets · 28/06/2015 12:51

Are you sure its a lie OP? I hate to say this but it may not be. Children do take drugs and their parents can have no idea for a long time.

Have you searched her room? Noticed a difference in her behaviour? Have her friendship groups changed? Is everything alright at school?

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:52

I'm obviously prepared to hear YABU, or I wouldn't have asked. People criticising DH for a breakdown of his relationship with his ex is, however, ludicrous.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 12:53

So your ex knows your husbands ex and your stepdaughter sent him a message which is u true that is quite serious but why does she know so much about your dds dad ? Whats been said to a 13yr old she knows far to much personal infornation you need to put a stop to these childreñ being involved in whatever is going on with the adults no judge is going to believe a barbled facebook message

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:53

Yes it's a lie. DD was on a school trip, and then she admitted to her dad it was a lie, but the consequences are done now, and she won't admit to her mother or to DDs father that it was a lie.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 28/06/2015 12:54

I change my opinion. As long as you're not blocking her having time with her dad I think you would be entirely reasonable.

(With the caveat that there is literally no way you're sd could be right )

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:55

Exactly what I'm saying, she's being treated like an adult by her mother, and used as a pawn in a bid to make me and my family unhappy. Her behaviour is rewarded by her mother, so it's not likely to stop.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 12:56

People criticising DH for a breakdown of his relationship with his ex is, however, ludicrous.

They are criticising him for his piss poor attitude to his daughter, which you totally ignore. Again, what did he say when you suggested banning his daughter from his home?
Funny you refuse to answer that.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 28/06/2015 12:56

Wow, that's quite a lie, with pretty bad consequences. I know the right thing to do would be to say she's just a child, separated parents etc etc but I would find it very difficult to be around her. Feel for you however this works out.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 13:00

No, you said he chose to leave his family. Which is bullshit. If he had said, oh yes that's fine, I wouldn't have come to MN. He does not think it's fine, and yet he's not able to find a realistic solution. His ex makes it very clear to their daughter that her fathers opinions are not valid. Unless they're asking for shoes, school trips etc. Then he's a marvellous father. He wants to see his daughter as much as possible, but if he disciplines her, he's told he can't see her.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 13:04

No, I didn't. I said he chose to live with you and your child (the same age) and you don't care that this might be hard for you.
I've got a good solution for him: leave you, get his own house, and concentrate on his actual child and let you concentrate on yours.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 13:04

hard for her, I mean.

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 13:11

Maybe seeing her at her grandparents house for a while might take the pressure off everybody your stepdaughter wont be tempted to do anything like she did your husband can see his daughter without tension and your own dd wont be upset it sounds such a mess for everybody and tbh it is the children that are suffering it isnt fair.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 13:15

I know, that's what we're trying to avoid. It's so hard Sad I'm sure we'll get there in the end, I didn't think this teenager business would have me so worried all the time.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 13:21

Are the girls facebook friends ? If they are i would get your dd to restrict what she sees so they are not seeing each others timeline

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/06/2015 13:23

"The first family should always come first. This father chose to have more children but that should not be at the expense of his original daughter."

How is that fair on the OP's dd, LotusLight? Why doesn't she deserve equal right to be happy and safe?

I realise that this is a horribly difficult situation, and the OP's step daughter sounds as if she is troubled and unhappy - and her mother is only making things worse - but the OP's dd has an equal right to her parents' love and care - not less, because she committed the huge sin of being born second, to a second family.

popalot · 28/06/2015 13:26

I can see where you're coming from - you're feeling protective about your dd after her step sister tried to get her into trouble lying about drugs on a school trip. That's not normal teenage stuff, that's a form of bullying and there should be some sanctions for behaving like that.

However, your problem between your dd and sdd is compounded by their parents. Your dd's dad chose to believe the lie told about her by her step sister to pursue custody and that is totally unfair. And your step daughter is being encouraged to behave this way by her mother, which is putting her under pressure to come up with the goods.

I think you would benefit from a family meeting, where you, your dh, your dd and sdd and possibly her mum all sit together and sort it out once and for all for the girls' sake. Would that be possible in any way? It might be worth highlighting that false allegations about drug taking can have serious consequences. Also, you could lay down the law about how you expect her to behave in your house e.g. no looking at other people's phones (encourage your dd to up her privacy settings too) and no telling tales, because it is causing friction between all the siblings and adults. You need to be able to sanction her if she breaks these rules for example she doesn't get some pocket money from dad or the dress she wanted him to buy.

All the children need to see the adults behaving in mature, unified way to sort out these issues.

Pollywallywinkles · 28/06/2015 13:28

It it was your DD and not DSD doing this, would you ship her off to the grandparents?

JakieOH · 28/06/2015 13:37

I don't think you are being UR at all. I think if a SC or indeed a resident child is behaving in a manor that could potentially break up a family then action should be taken. Seems to me that if its a SC though, everyone blames the parent and heaven forbid the SM speaks out!!

If she is being a manipulative brat and upsetting your other children then yes, your right to take whatever action you feel necessary! Perhaps it will make her rethink her actions. Way too much mollycoddling going on IMO! At 13 she knows right from wrong and if she doesn't she should be shown.

As for the comment that 'the original child' should come first that's the funniest most ridiculous thing I've ever read, EVER!

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 13:47

Probably not, Polly. But my daughter respects me and responds to discipline. We can't do right for doing wrong with DS

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 14:05

If the girl is being drip fed crap then of course she is going to think the step family are monsters poor kid i feel sorry for her.

WayneRooneysHair · 28/06/2015 14:09

Going against the grain but if I had a stepchild who was bullying my child and my partner's discipline was doing nothing to resolve it then damn right I wouldn't want them around the other children.