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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

172 replies

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:02

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 28/06/2015 11:06

If you think she's only there to snoop, can you make sure that someone is with her all the time when she's there? And put locks on the doors of all the rooms you don't want her to go into?

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 28/06/2015 11:26

I may be wrong, but could changing sleeping arrangements have an implication on child maintenance?

Other than that I don't know what to suggest. If it's your partner's house too I don't think you can decide to ban her on your own.

My DH's ex can be difficult but I weighed all of that up before deciding to get married/have kids. And despite that I get on well with DSS.

Aussiemum78 · 28/06/2015 11:30

Does she get one on one time with her Dad? She might be acting out of jealousy that your daughter gets more time with her dad.

I think you need a very strong attempt to welcome her, and time with her dad, before you give up on a 14 year old girl.

sweetgrape · 28/06/2015 11:30

I don't think wherever the father is makes it her home, probably not from her point of view anyway. I remember when I was that age, my father lived with someone else, it was certainly not my home just because my father lived there. In an ideal world, yes it probably should be but it wasn't.

Aussiemum78 · 28/06/2015 11:33

How do you know she is lying about your daughter to her mum? What was said and why are you so sure it was a lie?

Zooeee · 28/06/2015 11:53

I think you are failing to differentiate between the behaviour and the child. She's 14. It's developmentally normal for her to push boundaries, act out and separate from her parents; it's much harder for her to negotiate all of that when she has a blended family with adults who aren't all a united front. All behaviour is communication (and I'm not saying that because I'm a naive idealist; I work in a PRU).

Does she get time alone with her dad? Do you fully understand that her dad left her (whatever the actual mechanics that is how it will feel) and now lives with your daughter all the time and not with her? Do you not think in her shoes you might feel nosy and sad?

My parents divorced fairly amicably. My dad remarried and had two more children. While I understood that divorce meant I couldn't keep living with both parents, there was always a little part of me that felt my dad loved my half-siblings more, because he chose to live with them all the time and I was just a visitor, and that wondered what I did wrong to make him not want to stay and live with me. Like I say I understood it all, but deep down I still had those feelings.

It's possible I am projecting and your SD doesn't feel like this, but my point is that you don't know what's going on inside and don't sound particularly interested in finding out.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 11:56

It's her fathers house/home, you have no business banning her from it.
What is her weak and uninterested father doing about the situation?

vvega · 28/06/2015 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 12:04

She is 13 she has to come to a house to see her dad where another 14yr old girl lives she is jealous hurt acting out and being a bit of a brat which shouldnt be tolerated but is understandable and your own dd might be nasty to her you really cant force them to be friends or even like each other this kind of snidey nasty behaviour isnt rare amongst teenagers tbh it sounds hard but you cant banish your husbands child to her grandparents unless her dad goes too then she is getting 1 to 1 with her dad which she probably wants and needs.

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/06/2015 12:11

My sympathies are with the child.

She has a father who has chosen to leave her and live with another family, a mother who may or may not be difficult, and a step mother who clearly resents her and the time she attempts to spend with her father, who 'just wants everyone to be happy, the sweetheart'. That's why he left his wife and child?

Her behaviour was reprehensible, and needs to be addressed, but her father needs to do it. She is obviously unhappy and resentful, and she may be happier having time with her father by herself at her grandparents, but that is for her to choose. It shouldn't be dealt out as a punishment by a vengeful stepmother.
The father needs to take considerably more responsibility for his daughter than he appears to be doing at present.

And why shouldn't her mother expect the father to have her once a week while she goes out?

Poor girl.

chickenfuckingpox · 28/06/2015 12:13

she needs to be told this is unacceptable behaviour no matter what her mom says

perhaps the best solution is her and her father stay over at the grandparents that way she gets her one on one time with her dad and you don't get the conflict reintroduce again slowly and if the behaviour reappears stop again and separate again

your DH will have to step up im afraid

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 28/06/2015 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BruthasTortoise · 28/06/2015 12:15

Put the exact same punishment in place as you would for any of your other DCs. If this is related to internet use then she should be banned from the internet until she can prove she is responsible. If it's a boundaries issue the ground her. Do not ban her from the house, you wouldn't do it on a resident child.

In saying that I complete disagree with the idea that "first families always come first". I have two DSCs and three DC, there is no birth order hierarchy in my home and quite frankly if my DH had ever told me that his two eldest would always come first to him because they were born first I'd have left him. Luckily enough he loves all his children equally.

MajorasMask · 28/06/2015 12:18

My dad remarried to someone who grew to resent me and did all sorts of horrible manipulative things I didn't understand. After age 13 when I was depressed and scared she 'banned' me from the house, so my dad had to do all our EOW visits in the car. They are still married and I have not seen her since, rarely see him. Is this what you want? Because I think that's what you'll get.

Toffeelatteplease · 28/06/2015 12:20

Is that all/the worst she has done?

If so I think you all need a thicker skin. I'd love to know what information caused so much trouble.

A brief discussion on good bounderies and a pass lock on the phone (not a bad thing to have as a teen anyway).

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 28/06/2015 12:22

I can see both sides to what many pp are saying - I don't think you can realistically say it's her home when she only stays one night a week, BUT I do think banishing her is a bit Shock.
It's so important to try and work as a team - I have a dsd who is now 17. I am so lucky that I have always got on with her and she has never exhibited bad behaviour.
Me and her mum hated each other for a long time but tried very hard to work together and actually came to the realisation that we both wanted the same thing - the best for her.
We kept communication open and even though it was rocky at times, we now communicate easily.
I've not mentioned my dsd's dad as he was a real Disney dad who hated his ex and now hates me as we've since split and he can't handle taking responsibility for his role in the splits of either relationship and refused to communicate with her or discipline his daughter in any way - I did it.
She still loves me, came to my recent wedding, we're off on a spa day together next week, and we've got a girly break booked next month.
I didn't have my DS until she was 13. I don't know if that helped as she never had to compete with other children.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:27

Wow. He did not choose to leave his ex or their daughter. Sometimes relationships break down. But thank you for your ridiculously judgemental opinions when I was after genuine guidance. I think some of you are right though. I will limit my time with her and make myself busier (if that were possible). The reason I know what she said about DD was a lie is because she was on a school trip at the time. My children should not have to suffer, regardless of this child's reasons. But thank you for your help.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 28/06/2015 12:29

But the poipoint is did the lie matter? What actual trouble did it cause?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 12:33

Wow. He did not choose to leave his ex or their daughter

So he didn't move in with another woman and her children of the same age? He didn't choose to live with an stepdaughter and allow his actual daughter to just come over once a week and abdicate responsibility to his new wife who is so unsympathetic as to want to ban the child from the house for a minor infraction? Hmm

Question: When you suggested to him you ban his daughter from his home, what did he say? Because if it was anything not on the lines of "fuck off you loon" he's not much of a father. Or a man.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:36

My family setup is rather complicated. DSs mother knows DDs father, and the lie she told (that DD was taking drugs in her bedroom) has caused DDs father to take me back to court for full custody, because he is a bad person, and although he knows she was on a school trip he's going to use this as evidence. So forgive me if I think the child is a massive trouble causer.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 28/06/2015 12:37

The other thing you could try, instead of limiting your time with her, is being nice to her and trying to build a relationship. She's just a kid stuck in an awkward situation not of her making. She's probably hurting and in need of reassurance.

If her father is a half decent bloke and you plan on staying with him, this girl should be part of your family too. If not, what are you doing with him anyway?

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:37

He met another woman 8 years ago, 3 years after his partner left him. I'm not convinced that's a crime.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/06/2015 12:40

Nobody said it was a crime. Still his choice to live with an stepdaughter and her mother who can't understand that this might be difficult for his actual daughter.
Your point is that all that matters is your children, your home, your life. You don't care about her. Obviously her father doesn't care that much about her either. Poor kid.

Original poster
everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 12:40

She has always been welcome in our family. She has shared everything we do. I buy something for my children, I buy it for her, whether she's there or not. She comes on our holidays and days out. I have known and loved her a long time. But now my daughter is sobbing constantly because she's scared of these lies. In this instance, she comes first.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 28/06/2015 12:45

You said you made it clear from the beginning that it is not her home and yet you wonder why she behaves badly with you and displays no loyalty to you?