Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

172 replies

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:02

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
Jessica2point0 · 28/06/2015 14:30

What would you do if it they were both your biological children? You are absolutely right to want to protect your DD, but it sounds like DSD has literally nobody on her side. I don't know what you should do, but whatever you decide, make sure to talk to DSD and explain that you love her, and it is the behaviour which is a problem.

Jessica2point0 · 28/06/2015 14:41

Could you explain to DSD that until she is ready to put things right (by telling the truth) then she won't be getting any treats / privileges at your house? That you love her very much and this behaviour is worrying because you want her to be a good person? Make it about her behaviour rather than anything else. Also ask her why she won't tell the truth, what is she scared of?

nocoolnamesleft · 28/06/2015 14:50

How would you feel if your partner told you that your dd (his dsd) was not welcome in your shared home?! If you really want to destroy your relationship, then go right ahead. Sounds like the poor kids are being ripped apart by the adults in their lives. It sounds like your dsd's mother, and your dd's father are the real problems here.

BlueBlueSea · 28/06/2015 14:57

I do not think you are being unreasonable. If she is causing problems in your home, knows, has been told off and still does it, then ban her from the house. Your DH can arrange to see her out of the home for contact and explain that till she manages her behaviour towards the rest of the family she will not be coming back. She and her mother may then find that they are not getting the response they want and she may moderate her behaviour.

It is not fair for the rest of the family to have to put up with this.

reni1 · 28/06/2015 15:10

I can understand your reluctance to have her. Protect all information, lock phones etc and closely supervise her. You need to tell her why and should her mum get angry, tell her why too. 13 is old enough to understand. Why does she have contact to your ex to send your dds stuff to?

JakieOH · 28/06/2015 15:45

What about taking discipline into your own hands? I know there seems to be a mindset on here that step parents shouldn't need to discipline stepchildren and that should be up to the father or exW but I think your situation has passed that. Tell the child how it is, that her behaviour is unacceptable and that there will be serious repercussions if she doesn't behave? It's not just this child and her fathers home, it's yours and your DPs too!

bereal7 · 28/06/2015 15:54

YABU. She is old enough to know right from wrong and just because her parents are separated doesn't make any difference. And sounds like her parents have been separated for most of her life so this is a BS excuse. Protect your daughter - that is her home - your step-daughter's home is with her mother. She can visit her dad anywhere else.

Tell your husband that you won't allow one child to make all your other children miserable(did you say you also have 2 with him? ). If he doesn't agree, then LTB.

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 15:56

I don't think this is a matter for discipline.
This poor kid is crying out for help and support. The OP's children are important, but no less than and no more than this girl.

Your OH needs to step up to the mark.
This girl is a product of his first family- could he plan a holiday- or take some time to show her how much she matters to him.
This is his precious first born, still a child in many ways. She is the child who made him a father.
Does that count for nothing?
Thinking up imaginative ways to punish her? Horrible.

clam · 28/06/2015 15:59

This sounds very difficult all round.
My thoughts: don't take any notice if ex "hits the roof." Let her.

But also, although she might have got the timing wrong (re: the school trip), might the rest of the info have any basis? That's not to criticise anyone, but it's always worthwhile checking these things out, and I'd not assume that your dd sobbing a lot is necessarily solely to do with her step-sister.

Just keep your eyes peeled and your antennae waving, that's all.
Good luck.

JakieOH · 28/06/2015 16:05

Keep, why is she a 'poor child'? I just don't get the mentality of suggesting her absolutely shirty behaviour be rewarded with a holiday??? It's bizzare!

clam · 28/06/2015 16:10

"She is the child who made him a father."

Hmm
keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 16:15

JakieOH do you have teenagers?

Jessica2point0 · 28/06/2015 16:18

jakie, perhaps because when children and teens misbehave there's usually a reason for it. Finding out the reason and helping them to solve the underlying problems is (generally) far better for preventing future misbehaviour.

The fact that the girl is being manipulated by her mother and can't / won't tell her mother the truth is really worrying. I think the OP (or her husband) need to find out why she won't tell the truth.

Rebecca2014 · 28/06/2015 16:25

If my daughter was behaving like this at her father home, I would discipline her but this sounds like parental alienation from the mother side.

There must be someway your husband can get through to her. Maybe alone they should spend the day together and then they can have a chat?

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 16:28

clam - children are great for many reasons. This is as valid as any.
My DD loves the fact that she is Mummy's last child, and only daughter- that gives us a very special bond too.

Busybuzzybumblebee · 28/06/2015 16:30

For people saying if it was your daughter or they were siblings, it's totally different as she would able to set boundaries and rules etc. as they would both be resident in the home, having her dsd come in once a week and be as unpleasant as she likes with no consequences and even encouragement from her mum is totally different.

As both a step child and step mum I disagree it's her home, her home is with her mum where she lives most of the time and where a majority if not all her possessions are, of course they should be welcome any time in their df home but clearly her behaviour is causing upset and she is bullying the ops ds who is just as important as dsd and deserves to be protected. I think until she behaves then her df should stay with her at the Gps home

JakieOH · 28/06/2015 16:39

No I don't have teenagers but I was one, quite a while ago! Why reward this behaviour, I wonder what would be said if it was the resident child bullying and sneaking around upsetting the SC? I doubt she would be offered a holiday to come to terms with her issues!! It's tgr OP and her children's home too, but because this teenager is a SC she gets tea and sympathy and it's everyone else just has to tolerate it!!

If her BM is causing these issues then it's still a problem, nit sure how this is her dads fault?

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 16:42

No I don't have teenagers but I was one

Quite.

You have no idea then, and just burbling.

CalmYoBadSelf · 28/06/2015 16:51

I have no experience with stepchildren at all but, when my DCs were teenagers they often responded better to having the issues explained to them calmly, in an adult way than when everybody was upset

Has your DH sat down with her and explained why her lie was so wrong and the effects it has had and could have on the family as a whole and how that could affect all of you going forward? I think she needs to understand the impact of her actions here

clam · 28/06/2015 17:22

"You have no idea then, and just burbling."

How rude!

I have teenagers, and I agree with Jakie.

Jessica2point0 · 28/06/2015 17:26

jakie, if she was the OPs biological child she wouldn't have a manipulative mother so outright discipline might work. But as this particular child is unable or unwilling to tell her mother the truth I think that's worrying. Children and teens should be able to talk to their parents and should never feel the need to lie. They do lie, of course, for many reasons. But I think in this case it is important to make sure that the girl isn't afraid of her mother. The idea that all misbehaving children just need some discipline is, frankly, ridiculous.

00100001 · 28/06/2015 17:39

Why is it the OP responsibility to get to the roots of the childs problems, and make everything OK.?

it's not her child :/

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2015 17:43

What about the child who made the op a mother does her feelings not matter never heard such sentimental tripe in my whole life pfb meh .

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 17:48

00100001- the OP chose to engage in such a situation.
THat makes it her business.

00100001 · 28/06/2015 17:53

sure but her responsibility?? when the father is in the house and should be sorting this out? Confused