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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bar my stepdaughter from my house?

172 replies

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:02

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who has a very difficult mother. She stays with us once a week. Recently she's become increasingly manipulative; lying about my 14 yo DD to her mother, and sending personal info from DD's Facebook account to my ex, causing a lot of trouble. AIBU to suggest she stays in her grandparents' house and not mine, until this behaviour stops?

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 28/06/2015 07:33

If it's her fathers home as well, then YABVU and I'd have thought that you don't actually have the option to ban her because any decent father would tell you to fuck right off at the suggestion.

Get your dd to hold on to her phone better and use a passcode. If you are making it clear that you don't think your home is also your husbands child's home, then it's not wonder the poor kid is acting out really, is it?

SaucyJack · 28/06/2015 07:36

YABU.

It is her home, and she hasn't done anything outside of normal teenage sibling bickering that would warrant her being barred from the family home.

Her father needs to step up.

captainproton · 28/06/2015 07:37

A decent father may actually try to discipline his child which it looks like OP has already said he does, but the mum doesn't like that happening. So what other tips do you suggest apart from a passcode on a phone when dealing with step sibling bullying?

captainproton · 28/06/2015 07:39

And for those stepmothers who partners don't step up? Muddle on and watch your child live in Fear during contact? LTB? Or contact elsewhere?

keeptothewhiteline · 28/06/2015 07:42

I would step back from a father who wasn't shouldering his parental responsibilities.
He wouldn't be much of a father or a man in my view.

But I wouldn't get involved with a man with children.

SaucyJack · 28/06/2015 07:46

Then yes, they do have to just muddle through as they are. Let her mother "hit the roof".

Step- children are not an optional extra dependant on them behaving well.

Izzy24 · 28/06/2015 07:48

No, OP, I do not think YABU.

Prettyinblue · 28/06/2015 07:48

Sounds vey hard. But it is her home. And captain, I would leave a man who didn't look after his child properly or my children. In fact my DH would have left me if I didn't view DSS to have a home in our house.

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 07:49

I would get to the bottom of why she is such a troubled child. It must be very difficult to know that half siblings and step siblings are part of the family and yet she is seen as a visitor.

theendoftheendoftheend · 28/06/2015 07:50

I usually always side with the child on these, but on this occasion there are two (plus?) children to consider, ones rights doesn't trump the other other. I disagree it iis DSD's home if she visits once a week, her home is with her mum. It is her father's home and she should be welcome there however if her behaviour is being detrimental to other children who live there and don't have another home to seek solace in then until those behavioural problems are resolved then, as a last resort, she may have to give up her right to free access to that home. It's not because anyone doesn't like her its a natural consequence of her lack of respect and kindness for others.

Duckdeamon · 28/06/2015 07:51

YABU. The behaviour sounds awful but she is a child whose father has a new family And whose mother might be manipulating her. More empathy rather than labelling her and seeking to exclude her further wouldn't go amiss.

As for your DH it is not "lovely" to "just want everyone to be friends" and not address these problems with his daughter and ex, which are primarily his responsibility to deal with.

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 07:55

I am surprised that her father isn't making more of an effort. I feel like Prettyinblue. When DH married me he got my child, it wasn't an option and he gets him for life. I wouldn't have had more children if they were going to be favoured. We have 3 children, we do not have 2 children and a visitor. The father needs to take control- you do not give up on your child because they are being difficult.

Greenkit · 28/06/2015 07:56

When you marry someone, their children become your family, warts and all. Perhaps if you stopped the 'us' and 'her' attitude and became 'all of us' she might not feel so pushed out a jealous of your daughter.

Firm boundries and rules would also help, i.e. respect others property etc

You and you husband need to work together to make both daughters feel included, respected and loved

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 07:59

There are bound to be difficulties if people don't view it as her home. How dreadful to have a father who views his step children and your half siblings as family and yet you as a visitor. Anyone would be difficult in those circumstances. Of course it is her home. She is an equal part of the family. How much time has OP actually spent alone with her, getting to know her and making her own relationship?

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 08:04

Any partner who suggested not having my child in the home would get very short shrift from me! My child has a place in my home always - they are NOT optional. Where is the father in this? Why has he allowed one of his children to be marginalised?

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 08:06

Quite simply she is jealous. Who wouldn't be in those circumstances?

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2015 10:30

Did she ever feel welcome in your home? Was she ever made to feel part of the family?

listsandbudgets · 28/06/2015 10:41

YABVVVVU

Grow up. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AN ADULT. Sort the problems out. Intervene. Find a solution and get her dad to step up to the bl*dy mark to resolve it.

My step mum banned me from her house when I was 14 because she did't like something I said about my step brother (who had just hit me across the face with a f*cking stick).

It destroyed my relationship with my father. It destroyed my self esteem. I never ever ever forgave her. It still hurts now. I still don't talk to her and I'm nearly 40.

Is that what you want. Do you really want to cause all that because you can't sort out a few problems between teenagers?

You really will hurt her beyond anything you can possibly comprehend if you do this.

Please try to find another way OP. She should be welcome in her fathers home and she needs to feel it. She's a child. You're the adult.

Actually in tears reading this thread remembering the pain and the hurt and the confused emotions.

LotusLight · 28/06/2015 10:46

The first family should always come first. This father chose to have more children but that should not be at the expense of his original daughter. Perhaps the stepmother and the half siblings could be out more when the stepfather comes round one day a week - they could go out for the day and leave the stepdaughter and her father to have the house to themselves and that way no trouble is caused?

whois · 28/06/2015 10:48

Or SD and the father could both go stay at the GPs? That was SD gets some proper dad time, and the other children don't have to deal with having someone there who tries to upset them.

ghostyslovesheep · 28/06/2015 10:50

YABVVU

what a nice message to send her - you are a child who is obviously going through adolescents and struggling with behaviour and your relationships with your wider family - so fuck off out of MY (MY???) house - that'll help make you feel more loved and secure Hmm

Gemauve · 28/06/2015 10:52

She looked through her phone.

Most of AIBU and Relationships would cease to exist if people just put decent passcodes on their phone and stopped looking, and if social taboos made looking at other people's phones as bad as rifling through their drawers and reading their diary.

listsandbudgets · 28/06/2015 11:00

Sorry for the bad language in my reply but I am geninely upset.

I really hope you can find another solution OP for the sake of your DH and your SD and ultimately yourself

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/06/2015 11:04

I don't think yabu in how you feel, or wanting her to stop coming around. However, if this has been her father's full time abode for a while, then it really limits that option. Unless her dad also stays over at the grandparents, putting them out, and pretty much destroying any future relationship with a young girl who may mature in a couple of years, it probably won't work out. It's up to her father to keep her in check whilst she's over - it's a pain but your daughter will have to keeep a better eye on her things, put a password on her phone/computer so it's impossible to mess around with her facebook. The only reason not to have her over is if she's being destructive and abusive beyond the normal 'excusable' teen behaviour. How long does she usually stay for? Could you arrange that one weekend he goes out and about with her, then the following you and your daughter go out, then meet up in the evening for usual family dinner, wind down time, so you're not under each other's feet and avoid any more issues?

Cheby · 28/06/2015 11:06

YANBU OP. My parents divorced, I lived with my mum and visited my dad and step mum and step siblings. I never considered it my home, I was just visiting. My home was with my mum. I'm completely fine with that, no problem whatsoever. I honestly don't get all this stuff I read on here about giving children who visit once a week equal bedroom space (leaving you with a disused room 95% of the time or meaning resident children have to share unnecessarily) or letting non resident children override the rights of the resident children to have a peaceful existence in their own home.

I was always very welcome at my Dad's house, i just bunked in with my step sister if needed and slept in the spare room when i was older. Im still welcome now and have a great relationship with everyone. I wasn't obnoxious to my step siblings and would have expected consequences if I was.

I think your suggestion of time with her dad at grandparents is perfectly sensible.