Another MIL thread...

[bluedinopyjamas]

A few days ago pfb turned one! It was amazing but I'm still somewhat irked at MIL and trying to work out if iabu. I baked pfb a cake, MIL had too, only said nothing before the morning of pfbs birthday then came out with "in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!" I said no, I'm pfbs mother I wanted to and have baked a cake and that's what we did in my family. She then sulked all day! And left early after barely interacting with pfb
As not to drip feed were overseas, I don't speak the language fluently, but get by, and there are previous incidents of thoughtlessness (I perceive alsoe)
I'm also very quiet and unassertive and now questioning myself. Wibu?

No, your baby your rules/traditions. And why didn't she mention it to you before the day. Well done for saying something and keep saying something till she gets the message

Some things really aren't worth falling out over. Pick your battles with the in laws wisely.

I think this is something I would let go

I might have gone with "oh great, 2 cakes! In my family its the mum who bakes, but now everyone gets more cake, hurray."

But I like cake a lot.

YWNBU though and it was childish of her to sulk.

Could you think of a new granny based tradition for her and suggest it to begin a new generation?

Have two cakes, sounds like a yummy win win situation

Honestly these little things are not important in the big picture. Your dd would have had 2 lovely cakes, is that something really worth getting angry over?

It's not really about the cake though is it? It's about someone taking over an important task that the mother generally likes to do. Organising the cake is a pleasurable part of the birthday and most mothers would like to take the lead, esp. with a first birthday.

My mum made DD's first birthday cake, saved me a job!
There's obviously a bigger picture here so I'm not going to say YABU as context is everything. Like a PP says it would just be 'oh great, 2 cakes' in my house but there's obviously more toe stepping going on here!

I wouldn't fight this. Unless your own tradition about mum baking cake is an important one I'd just go with it. I'd rather have the ILs on board than fuss over a cake.

I really don't think it important. Have 2 cakes.
Start a new tradition- 2 birthday cakes.

Why on earth would she turn up with a cake without saying something? Did she think you'd not have thought to get a cake? Or were you meant to throw out your inferior cake and bask in the glory of hers?

Well done for saying something, nip it in the bud!

I think you were rude. I'm not surprised she was offended. Why on earth didn't you say something on the lines strawberry suggested?

She didn't say anything beforehand, and, presumably neither did you. Both of you assumed you'd be making the cake. It was a misunderstanding, not a take-over bid.

Sorry, all I read was two cakes. What's the problem (bar some risk of diabetes).

Next year either:

Tell her to butt out - will likely to cause upset, don't know how worth it that suggestion is. Plus, less cake.

Bake a cake together - may be a nice 'bonding experience', or just let her make the cake and save yourself effort. Still only one cake though.

Option 3: You both bake, maybe take it in turns (one year she bakes the 'big cake', you do a lot of smaller ones). Any leftovers can be posted to myself .

Any sane rational human being would SPEAK to the mother of the child and AGREE the cake thing, she didn't, she ambushed you.

Next time she won't. Her sulking shows you who she is. You did nothing wrong

If you want to be benevolent, ask her in advance next year if she'd like to make a cake, or help you make one.

Well done for standing your ground OP. Your child, your rules.

It all seems petty! On a scale of 1 to 10 does it matter?
The baby would rather have a mother and grandmother getting on and no cake at all.

It's not really about the cake though is it?

No of course not and anyone who thinks it is is missing the point.

Yes Hissy, I agree and its the secret way she did it that tells she knew she would be treading on toes.

I think you were a bit rude

I think you could have said - Lovely - we can have this one now and mine tomorrow (or something)

Unless this is part of a bigger picture

The sulking could have been about the rudeness, not the cake. IMO

I would not make a cake for gc without checking with my dd or ddil first.

I guess the males wouldn't care either way...as it would just give them more cake

Any sane rational human being would SPEAK to the mother of the child and AGREE the cake thing, she didn't, she ambushed you.

This^

It isn't about how many cakes there are. It's about that fact that she didn't bother to communicate, must have known that you would have made or bought one and decided to just turn up with hers and expect it to take precedence over yours.

There's not generally an expectation that a mother would check with wider family members before making her own child a cake. Unless a specific, alternative arrangement has been made, it's the parents' job to provide it.

I also don't think you can actually say 'most mothers'

I don't personally give that much of a toss about cakes and would be pleased about someone else thinking of it

I'm not normally a MIL- apologist but I'm not sure about this

It sounds like you were rude and she is a sulker. Two wrongs don't make a right, but neither of you is more reasonable than the other at least.

The best way for you to handle it would've been to say "oh great, two cakes, more to go round" and then when it comes to next year just give her a heads up early that you plan on making the cake. You didn't need to be rude to her, and while her reaction was OTT maybe your DH could've mentioned this was the tradition in the family (MIL may have assumed he would've mentioned it). Sounds like this was blown into being a bigger deal than it needed to be.

I really hate the expression 'your child, your rules' and am throughly glad my mother was laid back. You can't control everything unless you stay at home and never meet anyone! If someone want to give a cake they will. Imagine explaining to your adult child 'you never had contact with your grandmother because she made you a birthday cake and I had already made one!' . Really petty- have 2 cakes.

I don't think the mil is some bossy cow here. With the greatest of respect, its very telling the op referes to her child as pfb several times. I think it's a case of crossed wires and over reactions. Mil may have thought her (presumably) son had explained the 'tradition', heck it may be some cultural thing where the op is. Op, seeing someone else had baked a cake for 'pfb' first birthday, may have said 'No! My kid, my cake', in a way that may have unintentionally offended mil (again, difficult to say due to culture and language issue). I really do think getting mad over cake is silly, on both sides. Unless there is more to this?

mrsGB, why would OP say anything to her MIL in advance about baking a cake? For your own child, there is nothing to be said about a task unless you are asking for help, and she didnt need or want any help. It was only the MIL who needed to say anything, as in asking if a cake was wanted, or needed. And MIL needs to accept 'no', not sulk like a child when she shows up with an unexpected cake.

Though in our family, the response definately would have been: 2 cakes! Hooray!