Another MIL thread...

[bluedinopyjamas]

A few days ago pfb turned one! It was amazing but I'm still somewhat irked at MIL and trying to work out if iabu. I baked pfb a cake, MIL had too, only said nothing before the morning of pfbs birthday then came out with "in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!" I said no, I'm pfbs mother I wanted to and have baked a cake and that's what we did in my family. She then sulked all day! And left early after barely interacting with pfb
As not to drip feed were overseas, I don't speak the language fluently, but get by, and there are previous incidents of thoughtlessness (I perceive alsoe)
I'm also very quiet and unassertive and now questioning myself. Wibu?

It's a nice thing that she did. YABU. It's cake. Cake is good, two cakes even better.

Yeah, "your child, your rules" is a shit way of parenting.

I too hate the 'my child my rules' line. It's so controlling and not in the best interest of the child. So what if she has two cakes? You will always be her mother, do you think you not having the only first birthday cake is going to change that?

Or maybe the MIL thought that 2 cakes wouldn't be a disaster. Blimey, at my family gatherings there were always at least 3

That reminds me:

At my PFBs first Birthday party, my mum and MIL got a bit arsey with each other about who made the best monkey impressions - me or my DH!

DH probably mever mentioned it because it never occurred to him that his grandmother making the cake was anything but a habit or incidental preferred between his DM and DGM. He probably hadnt a clue it was some big tradition and his DM has been waiting for decades to make a birthday cake.

Showing up and announcing a grandmotherly tradition no one was expecting, then sulking when everyone is unimpressed is pretty childish.

It's not about the cake, it's about the MIL making assumptions and treading on her DIL's toes and having had experience of this, I can totally see where the OP is coming from. Next the MIL will be deciding which school the PGC will attend and putting their name down (like mine did!).

I am so glad that it isn't just me! Everytime I hear 'my child, my rules' I cringe. How can that possessiveness be good for the child?
I know one think for certain- if you tell DS when he is about 13 yrs that you fell out with his grandmother over who made his cake he will look at you as if you are bonkers!

Lol @ Yarp !!

Momagain, as I said, taking from the opening post, there is obviously a cultural difference where the op is. Little things like this can easily be blown out of proportion when two worlds collide. I can only take the op from what I've read - that is, crossed wires over cake. No big 'power struggle', just two women doing their own traditions, and getting cross with the other. Yes, in our society what mil did was rude, but not horrible.

But it really doesn't matter Horsemad - she doesn't get to choose schools or important decisions. You don't even discuss - you smile nod and ignore.
The cake is an occasion to say 'thanks, how nice to have more cake' and move on.

If it isn't a power struggle and merely tradition agree to start a new one with 2 cakes, win/win for everyone.

I agree MrsGently

I am surprised that the OP who describes herself as unassertive, should have outright refused the cake. So maybe there is more to this

But on the face of it, I still think she was ruder than the MIL

How is OP's response any ruder than MIL's opener and ambushing behaviour?

If MIL had actually wanted to do the nice thing, she'd have discussed it in advance, explained the tradition and expressed a desire to continue it. She must have expected OP would be baking or otherwise providing a cake, given OP's probable lack of psychic ability.

Rocking up on the morning with the cake trolling 'isn't it lovely' was designed to have OP mumbling and sliding her own cake out of the way. OP didn't - simply said she intended to follow her own family's tradition with her child.

YABVU. So rude. Gracefully accept the cake and serve both. Maybe serve her first. It's a cake. If you have power struggles over a cake no wonder you don't get along. You were rude, no wonder she felt offended and unwelcome.

Well I don't perceive it as ambushing. I perceive it as - I am giving you a gift. I am welcoming you and your child to a family tradition. Let's enjoy cake!!

I simply don't see why you can't have 2 cakes. It's not a wedding

^^ That was to Jassy

This one could run and run, I think

Yarp, for me it was the language used - granny makes the birthday cake, not 'look, I've brought an extra cake - we always had the grandmother making them in my family and I thought it might be welcome'.

The latter would be a thoughtful gesture. The former, with no discussion beforehand, is a bit attention-seeking and presumptuous.

(I wish to make it clear I have no aversion to multiple cakes. I just don't think this was really about the cake.)

Well, as someone who bakes a lot I would be pissed off at having my thunder stolen at my own child's first birthday. If she'd mentioned in advance that she was bringing a cake, fine, but I expect she sprung it on you unexpectedly because she knew you'd already have a cake. The "it's traditional for grandma to do the cake" might have been her way of setting out that her cake was supposed to trump yours

Clearly, some people don't see it like that, which is why you're getting a flaming, but I totally understand!

Ah, I see Jassy and I are on the same wavelength...

I think we could draw some kind of venn diagram here to explain the responses of all of us. the 3 circles would be

People who like to bake

People who don't like to bake but are grateful for cake

People who have had bad MIL experiences

Meanwhile the birthday boy couldn't care less but will be affected by the behaviour of the adults who love him best and should know better!

Yarp, that sounds about right!

I'm in only one of the circles - my MIL is fine if distant. My mum had an absolute corker of an MIL though, and this is the sort of thing she would have done.

Wouldn't have been her best work though. That was the day she was going through the property pages of the paper circling houses for mum to live in 'because obviously [my dad] and the kids will stay in this house'.

She had no idea I was just outside the room and heard every word. It was the first time my dad believed it wasn't just 'all a misunderstanding' between DM and his mum: