Another MIL thread...

[bluedinopyjamas]

A few days ago pfb turned one! It was amazing but I'm still somewhat irked at MIL and trying to work out if iabu. I baked pfb a cake, MIL had too, only said nothing before the morning of pfbs birthday then came out with "in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!" I said no, I'm pfbs mother I wanted to and have baked a cake and that's what we did in my family. She then sulked all day! And left early after barely interacting with pfb
As not to drip feed were overseas, I don't speak the language fluently, but get by, and there are previous incidents of thoughtlessness (I perceive alsoe)
I'm also very quiet and unassertive and now questioning myself. Wibu?

I agree with hiddenhome and blowingthrough, this is really not about having "two cakes! great!" it's about mil playing games and just showing up with the cake and not asking the mother beforehand, she had to know that the mother would be providing the cake unless they had agreed previously on the cake, etc. The reason this is not a small thing is because inlaws will usually start small in the control stakes and then see if they get away with it and then ramp things up. Not all inlaws are like this but there are some who do not have good will toward the spouse and it is clear OP feels this is one of those situations. Well done OP for making it clear that it is your child and you will make the decisions, big and small. The sulking from the mil gives the game away. If she had meant no harm, she would have realized how it looked after you said something and she would have said, sorry, I should have asked if I could make the cake. Instead she sulked, there is a past history I would guess of little manipulations in the family.

Ywu.

She made a cake and you were completely over the top stroppy about it.

Poor woman.

she has to ask permission to make a cake for her grandson?! To be honest my MIL did this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to think thats my job.....but then i thought she is showing her love for her grandson and in the scheme of things what does it matter.

some of you sound incredibly childish on this thread.

dreaming - yes for the birthday cake, because I would assume as she was turning up at the OP's house, the OP was "hosting" her DS's birthday party. It's a bit weird to turn up at someone else's party with a cake you expect to be the main birthday cake without checking first if it's ok to make it/the person hosting the party hasn't already made one.

Turning up on the day with the cake - without having mentioned it first - pretty much garentees that the person who's hosting the party will have already got a cake, either made themselves or bought.

In the same way, if in 30 years time, her PFB has grown up and got married and his wife/husband is throwing a 30th birthday party that she is being invited to, it would be rude to turn up with a cake without checking first that the person organising the party hasn't already organised a cake - arguing "but I always made his party cakes" would still be not on!

Turning up with A cake is different to THE cake .... You just dont bring a birthday cake to any party you`re invited too ... unless asked to do so, the Host organises these things .

well maybe it wasn't the brightest thing to do.....but like my MIL, maybe she isn't very bright. I still think in the scheme of things this is a petty thing to fall out about and it makes those involved sound childish

But OP has said she is living abroad and mil and dh are from a different European culture. It's entirely possible that the tradition in that culture is for granny to make the cake and that granny assumed dil would know this. Or that we did the same in the UK.

So not weird or Machiavellian - just a misunderstanding. And a ridiculous thing to start a row about.

As momtothree points out, this was not just any cake on any old day. If it were, of course it would be wonderful and great and thoughtful and lovely. But this was the birthday cake for the party of OP's daughter's first birthday. This was an organized party, the mil thinking she'll just bring THE special birthday cake out of the blue without telling her daughter in law who organized the party for her own little daughter, and without telling her son, the parents of the child who are having the birthday party. Then the mil sulks and does not interact with her granddaughter and leaves when OP understandably says, thank you but I made the birthday cake, why did you bring one? That is just weird. When you go to a birthday party, the cake is very often the centerpiece/highlight of the event. I usually just make a fairly plain cake, homemade, nothing fancy, made with love celebrating the birth of my son, but most people put a lot of thought into making or ordering a very specially decorated cake. Then mil shows up with another one? Without letting the parents know or asking if they would like her to? Why?

I think people who do not have manipulative inlaws may not be able to imagine circumstances they have never experienced themselves.

I think you were really rude actually. Sure, you wanted to make a cake, but why on earth can MIL not make one too?

Birthday cake being a very modern thing, the argument that it is a cultural tradition for granny, or mum, sounds very doubtful. If it is a tradition, it is a family tradition. And anyone who has ever organised a family holiday do can tell you a 'tradition' can burst into existence pretty quickly! Someone cooked Dish A, the next year someone asked for it again and, wham! that cook has to bring that dish for that annual get together until the day they die, because it is a tradition!

The tradition granny is proclaiming might have begun with her own DM or MIL. Maybe because they forced it. Maybe because they were a better baker. Or maybe because 3 parties in a row were at her house and After that everyone expected her to bakethe cake, period.

Eh? Your mil made your baby a cake telling you it was traditional in your family and you told her off? Yab so u! And mean :(. Why on earth shouldn't she show her affection for her gs and carry on a lovely family tradition? Nothing stopping you making a cake too. Some of these mil posts read like parodies.

momagain - Why do you say birthday cake is 'a very modern thing'. Wiki says it goes back to the Romans. C18 in Germany. C19 in the rest of W Europe and the USA.

Even if it were only a family tradition that granny makes the cake, no need for OP to be snotty about it. Easy to find a way to have a bi-cultural tradition involving 2 cakes.

I am very sure that people posting now have not bothered to read the thread- they have missed updates and the fact it moved on.
I couldn't understand a fuss about cakes, but there is far more to it.

Not sure if you mean me mehitabel, but I read it all! Personally I don't think the background makes the op right on this issue.

Sorry- You can still make it about the cake. I generally stick up for MILs but in this case I think OP was mistaken in starting it about a cake, which is totally unimportant to many people, and put in the real problems of which the cake is one symptom.

Theycallmemellowjello - but it wasn't a tradition that the OP was told anything about until after she's already made her own cake. It wasnt a tradition her DH thought to mention when planning their DS's first birthday, it was a tradition he thought to stop her 'wasting her time' if it really was a tradition of his family. It wasn't a tradition in DH's family that mattered to the OP's DH enough for him to tell the OP he wanted to serve his mum's cake.

A tradition that previous generations have observed is fine, but if the younger generation doesn't want to, they are under no obligation to do so.

Of course there's nothing stopping them having 2 cakes, but if only one is going to have candles in and everyone singing happy birthday while it's blown out, then the person hosting the party gets to pick that one, or if you are going to try to enforce an old tradition on the younger generation (possibly because you had your own nose put out of joint when you had young DCs youself), then the onus is on the person trying to do that to say so in advance and getting agreement, not just rocking up on the day and hoping your DIL's politeness will mean you are able to force your own way...

So have you asked dh if his granny made all is birthday cakes?

Sure, you wanted to make a cake, but why on earth can MIL not make one too?

The MIL didn't want to make one too.

She wanted to make the cake. The birthday cake. The one that has the candles in it and you all sing around.

She didn't turn up and say "Hello DIL, I've made some extra cake so there's lots to go round." If she had, I'm sure that would have been fine.

She wanted to OP's cake to be sidelined and hers to be used instead.

Well, mil may well have not wanted her dil to make a cake, but we haven't been told that she told her not to (if she had told her not to in advance the two cake surprise would have been avoided) nor that she reacted negatively to dil's cake. If mil tried to stop dil baking a cake or reacted negatively to her doing so then I would consider that extremely unreasonable too! I think it sounds like the baby is going get 2 cakes a year - lucky kid!

Oh, I doubt it. OP is going to tell MIL next time, in advance, that she herself is making the birthday cake, but that if MIL wants to make extra cake so everyone can have seconds that's lovely, aren't you op? As a result, I suspect MIL won't bother making one again.

To be fair to the OP, she did say that there have been other issues with thoughtlessness in her first post.

From what I remember of my own birthdays, sometimes my Mum baked the cake, sometimes my Grandma (my Dad's Mother) would bake them.

My grandma was something of a cake expert and made wedding cakes as a sort of home business, my Mum made normal cakes. In later years my Granddad got in on the act and made some pretty spectacular chocolate and coffee cakes. But I believe they always offered or waited to be asked before they made the cake.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. You knew nothing of this tradition, but even if you did, it's up to you and your DH to continue traditions or find new ones for yourselves and your child.

When DS turned one we had three parties. Long story, we didn't want three parties but you know how these things can get out of control with families involved. Some people were available on the day, other people weren't available until the weekend, we'd already been invited to other first birthday parties and felt we had to reciprocate. The house was only so big so couldn't fit them all in at once anyway.

And at the party DH's parents came to, they cut the birthday cake and ate it. They said they hadn't realised what it was. It was a massive great cake, at a child's birthday party, with a big candle shaped like a 1 and some more candles that spelled out DS's name. Covered in a balloon pattern and with a big 'happy birthday' ribbon around it. All of which they removed so they could cut the cake. So we didn't get to sing around it or have DS blow out the candles. We were shocked at the time, they seemed offended that we were shocked.

That was the upside of having three parties I suppose, what went wrong at one party went better at the other two.

OP my best advice is to be clear about what you want. Your MIL shouldn't have assumed that she could carry on this tradition without speaking to you and your DH first. You don't just turn up at a party with your own cake and expect it to be the birthday cake.

MIL did react negatively to the OP's cake though, she sulked through the party, didn't interact much with the OP's child, and left early. She might have been upset by the disagreement but it also sounds like she was sulking because she didn't get her own way.

So MIL's tradition wasn't important enough to either MIL or her son - the child's father - to mention until the party...but important enough to override the OP's - the child's mother - wish to serve the cake she baked herself as her child's birthday cake. Hmmm. That is illogical. OP, you weren't the one in the wrong here.

I'd also be interested to know if this is just a family tradition on one side of your DH's family (as opposed to a general cultural norm) and, if so, on which side. Not that OP needs to allow the tradition to continue either way if it's against her own wishes, but I'm curious. For example, if this is from MIL's side, i.e. your DH's maternal grandmother baked all his birthday cakes, wouldn't it be for OP's own mother to carry on the tradition? Bet your MIL wouldn't like that!

Haven't RTFT

Why can't the baby have 2 cakes?

More cake = more happiness, more candles.

Even so, I would let the granny bake the cake. One less job. Make her happy into the bargain. No biggie.

Your child, your rules IMO only comes into play when talking to the delusional about smoking around babies and children, not bothering for car seats for infants and er - coke in a baby's bottle at 3 months old.

Why can't the baby have 2 cakes?

"in my family granny bakes the cake"

The cake. Not one of two cakes. The MIL wanted the OP's cake sidelined and for her cake to be the cake.

More years, not more cake, mean more candles.

If the MIL wanted to be the one baking the cake she should have consulted her DS and DIL in advance.

Well, perhaps Op can fill us in on whether it's a cultural or familial norm, and her dh's view on this. I'd also be interested to know his take on how she dealt with it and his dm's reaction.

I feel for Op. She's living abroad, doesn't speak the language fluently and must feel outnumbered. She also has late diagnosed PND. And this must make the usual hiccoughs in relationships with gp's more difficult.

But I also think some posters are projecting their own experiences on to the mil in question and that for the sake of the future relationship it would have been better to have handled it differently.