Another MIL thread...

[bluedinopyjamas]

A few days ago pfb turned one! It was amazing but I'm still somewhat irked at MIL and trying to work out if iabu. I baked pfb a cake, MIL had too, only said nothing before the morning of pfbs birthday then came out with "in my family granny bakes the cake and I thought I'd continue that lovely tradition!" I said no, I'm pfbs mother I wanted to and have baked a cake and that's what we did in my family. She then sulked all day! And left early after barely interacting with pfb
As not to drip feed were overseas, I don't speak the language fluently, but get by, and there are previous incidents of thoughtlessness (I perceive alsoe)
I'm also very quiet and unassertive and now questioning myself. Wibu?

YANBU. I would be pissed off too as it's something that I want to do for my DC. If she genuinely wanted to help or do something nice she should have offered to make the cake in advance to find out if that would be ok with you as it would be with some people.

Showing up unannounced with one I would find undermining. Having the cheek to sulk about it all day when she surely must've known it would be treading on your toes is even more ridiculous.

I'm shit at baking and still stayed up half the night to make DD1 her first birthday cake (took 2 attempts). It was something I really wanted to do for her as her mother. So YANBU.

I would also question whether MIL was just making up the cake baking granny tradition - easy for her to shout 'Tradition!' in any situation as a 'trump card'. Does DH remember his granny making all his birthday cakes?

I think you handled it well. Also, for the record, my MIL was lovely & would never have pulled this kind of stunt on me.

Just have a cake stacking system for a two tiered cake. Then you make one tier each.

I've read the whole thread and don't think either you or your MIL behaved particularly well. She should have asked you about continuing this tradition, rather than just waltzing in with it, and you could have handled with a better grace whilst at the same time explaining firmly that in your family things are done slightly differently.

She needs to stop being presumptuous, no harm in calling her on it, but is a cake on your child's first birthday really such a terrible thing? Have two cakes and laugh about it.

When she oversteps the mark on important issues then pull her up on it and remind her that as a grandparent she has no actual right to make decisions, but ffs don't get too worked up over cake-gate. Enjoy an unexpected second cake and let that one slide.

You were overseas? Presumably you won't be away on your baby's birthday each year.

I'd have let it go. It's a stupid thing to get upset over. Both of you.

Yanbu, even without your further post explaining the back story.

IMO anything like this should be ran through the parents first. Mumsnet really make me appreciate my lovely mil. There really are some strange ones out there

Asking if you've overreacted to a particular situation when you think the wider context may have have affected your judgement is perfectly reasonable and doesn't make you look like a tit at a all.

Thankyou so much for the replies everyone, I really appreciate the input.
Yarp, I didn't mean to leave out important info, or make you feel bad, I was really questioning if I was way off, and struggling to see the incident by itself.
I think I might try and broach a "grown up" conversation about discussing expectations before hand..
And to clarify overseas, I'm from the UK, dh and family are not, we live in their home country, Europe nowhere exotic!

Yarp - no, I don't agree, because you might think you have overreacted to the isolated event because of the context of the bigger patter of behaviour, it is sometimes worth checking if that event by itself would have got similar reactions/upset others even if they had an otherwise great relationship with their MIL.

And OP, I have a fabulous relationship with my MIL, she's lovely, but the first birthday cake has always been a big deal for me and I would have been upset if she'd rocked up on either of my DCs first birthday with a cake and expected me to do candles and singing with her cake, not the one I'd spent ages making.

I always made dd's birthday cake, and as the years went by she wanted more and more complicated decoration, to the point where, first I needed dh's help with it, and eventually simply couldn't do it myself - stuff like this photo reproduced in icing! Now, dd spends weeks working out the design, I make the cake and dh decorates it. It's a great family tradition!

Jux, that is awesome!

I really want cake now.

Anyone heard of a smash cake party? You could have used MIL's for that. Bet she wouldn't have stepped on your toes in the same way next year!

OP

Obviously you didn't do it to make me feel bad (I'm not that self-centred).

Dinosaur

Events don't happens in isolation - they are always part of a pattern of behaviour and a relationship. That's why there's no point discussing it without context, if the context is bad (as it is in the OPs case)

Mind you, my POV discounts most AIBU discussions

Yarp, i think you are absolutely right. The trouble is, we can only reply on a forum such as this to the information given. Otherwise, we could all make all sorts of assumptions about the situation.

The facts given were, two cakes turned up, two women felt put out. One got cross, the other sulked. There is a language barrier, which is always going to make situations more difficult from the start.

The op should have explained a history of bossy, overriding behaviour. It's quite easy to presume 'there's more to it', but unless specifically explained, it cannot be taken at face value that this is a generic, 'bossy mil' problem.

It's a silly gripe of mine, on threads such as these. An op may give an opening post that people are either divided on, or think they are being quite unreasonable. Then the original poster will come back pages later, with additional information that quite frankly completely changes the context of the original post. So when a poster says 'you're being unreasonable, it's only cake', and the original poster comes back saying 'but she tried to make me formula feed my baby', it makes the first poster seem a bit of an uncaring arse to a difficult situation.

MrsGently

Yes

Someone I had never met baked my PFB a cake (she was actually one of my BIL's new GF and an absolutely amazing baker). I thought it was a very generous and kind thing to do for a child she'd never met. My shitty little cake was given to the kids and us adults had the amazing cake with champers

No harm done, no underlying subtext, no control issues. Sadly no more cakes either as she has been away for PFB other Birthday's!

I think it's fairly reasonable to wonder if there's more to it with an op like that, from our pov.

I also think it's reasonable for the op to wonder if their behaviour is U in isolation, thus discovering how far the shared history influences their current behaviour.

Of course you can wonder, but it still does not present itself as fact until the poster decided to add more information. Again, having separate bits of information is ok as long as it's on the same level.

'She bought her own cake' and 'she also bought her own food to another occasion' are relatable. 'She bought her own cake' and 'She has form of telling me what to do with my own child, even if it has adverse effects' are two very different things.

I'd personally rather read a long opening thread, where mil has been a bit of a cow, and the 'two cakes' incident just broke the camel's back, than a drip feed. I can sympathise with that, many a time it was the little things that drove me to despair with my own mother, because the bigger things always were 'let go, because it's how she is'. It's very frustrating, but a full story is better than bits, even if you go off on a tangent (something I'm an expert at, personally).

I'm with the thank her and serve both crowd. Yes she may be pushy and wants to play matriarch but its cake and there are more graceful ways of dealing with her behaviour.

I would have done the smash cake photos thing with one and candles on the other.

Well if that's the tradition, it was incredibly shit of your husband not to mention it!

I've got 4 kids and 3 GC and I never knew the birthday cake was such a big deal. You learn something new every day.

YANBU Op. I agree with those posters who have said if it was meant as a nice gesture, then she would have asked you first.

I had an issue with MIL at my DS first birthday. I'd thrown a family party and MIL wanted to bring a cake for her grandson whose 10th birthday was 2 days after DS. I really didn't want this as DS is my only child and all my family/friends would be there too.

DH offered to take DS round to hers to do nephews cake and celebrate but no, she wanted to steal some of the limelight. She did do the cake thing for nephew but what has annoyed me more than anything is that she hasn't done it since (I didn't make a fuss by the way when she did it). I'm annoyed that all DS other birthdays she hasn't wanted to do it, just the first one

Sorry for hijack. Just wanted to say I know it's not just about the cake!

Also on a side note DD hated birthday parties cakes candles etc and MIL insisted i was mean for not providing her with a cake ... she was 3 (she didnt like christmas either odd child) So she rocks up with home made cake candles at a tea party and DD ran screaming and sobbing .... very amusing and she never offered again ... mmmm

Well, I suspect most of us don't mind too much if the op posts however he/she wants to. I think if you are getting upset enough about it to tell the op off, then you may be slightly over-invested.

Not telling the op off, as I said previously it's not just this thread that drip feeding of information happens, it just makes giving an appropriate reply more difficult. And when you post an issue on a forum, I'm guessing you would want the most honest answers possible. It did all just start off about two cakes and escalated from there. It did make me go out and buy myself a cake though, so may well be over invested.....